Who is to take Blame?

WHO IS TO TAKE THE BLAME.?

My telephone chat was rudely interrupted by a flash on the TV screen which said a boy had brutally killed his teacher. Cutting the call, I surfed various channels, trying to get more information. Everywhere, the information focused on how the dastardly act had been committed, a life cut short, the experts being contacted, who would give the same reasons over and over again... Every time a murder happens, we go through this drama : a child is aggressive, or the child decides to indulge in self-harm. So we start a frantic discussion, there are knee-jerk reactions and government sends out further policies how how education needs to be handled by the teachers.My question is, why don't we take proactive steps to make the society a better place to live in? Yes, the stress levels are high, parents, teachers, schools, all play a part in shaping a child's future and emotional health. Why are we not able to understand the priorities, and instead focus on what is important for us, from our perspective?

For high achieving parents, their child is a show piece, a trophy. He has to listen to what the parents have decided for him. Now this is conveyed either through authoritative parenting style with rewards and punishments thrown in, or through permissive styles, indulging the child all the time. The product of the former style of parenting grows up resentful, a victim of power, and at the slightest opportunity, he rebels against authority. Displaced aggression, we call it. These parents fail to see warning signals in the deterioration of the child's emotional health. He would either withdraw into himself, become a loner and not have any hobbies or interests to de stress himself. Alternatively, he may become very violent in another environment, a typical bully. Perhaps parents fail to notice all this because they are caught up in the many other roles they play, and the issues involved therein.


This pressure cooker environment in the child gives way at some slight trigger and the next moment we see a wasted life! Now does that mean the child should never be chastised? Certainly not. But we need to teach a child how to handle criticism, and failure; and to do this we need to start in the first school of life called home. It is a preparatory ground for the larger world outside. When we sit down, play board games and other unstructured games with the child (read spend meaningful times), we need to teach them how winning is not the important thing, but playing together, having fun is. We need to teach them healthy conflict resolution so that when they go up to be self-thinking individuals, they learn to handle intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships well.

They need to be taught that they need to take responsibility for their lives; let us do away with parenting which begs children to get up early go to school on time, get their own stuff to school and do their own studying, without the parents or the maids waiting on them hands and foot. When i see parents telling me they do all this for their adolescent children too, i wonder for whom the child is attending school! These children grow up with the "the world owes me syndrome" and cannot take anybody telling them off. As Midrash said, "If you dont teach the ox to plow when he is young, it is difficult to teach him when he is old ".

At the other end of the spectrum of parenting are those parents who think nothing of whacking their children or using abusive language at them, to get them to do what they want, resulting in children with a broken spirit. When these children decide to act, we have the juvenile homes filling up.

We can resort to blame games; schools can blame the parents, parents threaten to sue schools for not taking care of the children. Where is the primary responsibility? How can schools shape character when the parents refuse to cooperate, and thus you have two teams playing throw ball here with the child. Neither of the team want the ball in their court! Wouldn't it be easier and healthier if the parents understand that they need to be on the same side of the fence to bring up their child?

Every time a school sends for the parent to discuss a child, or refer to the school counselor, it is a tug of war. Getting them to come for the meeting is a herculean job; getting them to meet the counselor is even worse. And if and when the meeting does take place, very few parents accept responsibility for their share of the problem. Most counselors i am sure will agree with me when i say dealing with the parents is a greater challenge, than dealing with the children! Of course, in today's difficult and fast changing society set-up, healthy parenting is one of the greatest challenges, and i empathize with the parents.... However how does just empathy help? How do you help people who are not willing to be helped?

Explore the parenting, and you have most unhealthy styles surfacing. One parent would be permissive, the other authoritative. One parent would use the child to get back at the partner the child learns manipulation techniques. The partners do not have a healthy marriage and the child is caught in the cross fire. The list could go on.
Eric Berne said " Mothers give sons permission to be a prince, but the father must show him how. Fathers give permission to their daughters to be princesses but the mothers must show her how. Otherwise, both boys and girls will grow up and always see themselves as frogs". I am sure nobody could put across the importance of shared parenting better !


The saddest part is when it comes to academics. An under-performing child is a cause of concern for a school. When singled out, and after possible exploration, it could surface that the child needs special help. Intervention at the right time and in the right manner would help the child get back on line,and he would not manifest other issues of self esteem and self confidence which would have taken a beating because of consistent non-performance. But it is practically impossible to make the parents understand this, and these individuals in denial resort to the convenient law framed by the government which does not allow detention of any child till class VIII. So these children get promoted to the succeeding classes till they are faced with the terrible stress of board exams. Help when reached out for comes too late, and desperate situations call for desperate measures.

When we talk of taking onus for a situation, who is to do that in this case? Let us be practical. With the teeming numbers in classes, it is not humanly possible for teachers to give individual attention to each child. Even in cases where the teacher seeks the parents' help in understanding the kind of help the child needs, the latter by and large refuse to take the necessary steps and go to the extent of telling them school or the teacher they are not doing their jobs.

Schools on their part need to set up resource rooms where these children can be sent for remediation. If finance is an issue, then let them get together with the parent and reach a consensus about helping the child.
Let us educate the teachers and parents about the schools not being factories where the finished goods are either damaged, rejected or passed by quality controls set by the society.

Let us treat children for what they are: as Khalil Gibran says....
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.

Mohana narayanan
February 12,2012

Validation....

We have read of master psychologists who have come up with various theories of different levels of consciousness. I have found this fact very intriguing, that what we actually is in reality, just a tip of the ice berg. A large chunk of us is the unconscious and the subconscious. The tip jutting out of the sea of existence is apparently the rational, judgmental part of ourselves, the self which maintains order in society, which convinces us to do the proper, right thing. Conflicts arise within us because we are governed by this aspect of ourselves and in this process, we tend to neglect the submerged parts. No wonder then, that there is so much conflict, both within ourselves and around us!

When we are faced with a conflict, two things happen: our feelings rush in demanding acknowledgement: raw, unprocessed feelings, which cannot be right or wrong; they are just that - feelings. Then, because we are programmed to be acting, thinking and feeling the right thoughts all the time, the conscious, rational mind tries to take charge of the situation. But then, what happens to these emotions which have been given birth to? They need to be attended to, and certified to existence. We call this process validation. Because feelings are not right or wrong, they just ARE. When we allow ourselves to experience these feelings, they are processed and during this time of processing, they are accorded the validation that is so important for the energy arising out of these emotions.
However, failing to understand the fact that this process bridges the gap between our conscious, right-minded thinking and our subconscious emotive reactions, the latter is side-stepped in our hurry to resolve issues, take stock of a critical situation, and move on in life.

Try it. The next time we are experiencing raw, volatile emotions, let us not become judgmental. Let us not try to rationalize either our feelings or the actions of anyone else. Just let us be with the feeling, allow ourselves the experience, however unpleasant or illogical or irrational it is. Then, once a certain time period has passed, there would be a closure, and we could move on to listening to our conscious, rational mind.

The next time also that we are called in to resolve any issue between two people, less us not become judgmental or interact with your rational, conscious mind. Let us try to be at the same wavelength as the other undergoing the pain, without jumping to a defense mode. This validation period would allow both of us to come to a balance when the boat would stead itself, and then the communication would be easier; simply because both of us would have been at the subconscious level, acknowledging the feelings, and then the conscious mind would be allowed to communicate effectively.