Today was a very disturbing day. As a practising counsellor, i accept that listening to emotional baggage is part of my job, and my training has helped me deal with avoidance of transference. However, i was not prepared for today’s onslaught of cases. All the three cases in a row, one after the other, involved the disturbing behaviour of very young children in school, also resulting in failing academics. Per force, i was forced to call for the parents; for the home environment contributes a lot to the way a child behaves in school. We adults are forced by systems and rules not to carry our emotional baggage to our place of work; however, children displace their emotions in schools!
Anyway, the first set of parents walked in, but when they sat down, they left a vacant chair in between them. I sensed that something was not working here, and when i placed the issue of the disturbing behaving of their toddler in school, they looked at each other. As they were answering my questions in monosyllables, i suggested that i talk to them separately. They could not be more relieved! The mother had an earful of complaints against the husband, and she emphatically stated that the marriage was not working from day one! She has managed to move out after 5 years of living together, and the son was with her during the week, and the husband took the child to his place of living on week-ends (well, i could hardly term it home could i?) At the end of the tirade, almost as an afterthought, she wanted to know what was wrong with her son! I chose to reserve my comments, and then had a session with the father. He had exactly the same kind of complaints that his wife had registered, which would have been amusing, if it had not been such a serious situation! I mean, here they were claiming they could not get along and did not see eye to eye even on a single topic; yet, they were totally in agreement in their view of each other! They were not even willing to work on the relationship, and though they had taken no legal steps as yet, both of them were sure that it will not be long before they do the rounds of the lawyers, family courts and mediation counselling.
In all this, i think they did not even pause to think what damage they were doing to the child. As an example of the trauma that the child was going through, he told me, when i was talking to him, that he hates it when someone talks loudly to him, he hates noises, for his home was full of noise: his parents were always quarrelling, hurling abuses and accusations at each other. I could imagine this child sitting in the middle of the room, with the parents throwing barbs at each other, and this child ducking every time!
There was no big resolution to this case; at least the first session was largely history taking. But the session left me feeling drained; and with so many unanswered questions. Like, why do couples decide to sustain a relationship they know would never last a lifetime? Why do they get into a relationship because it would require too much effort to ‘cancel a wedding’ as this particular mother stated? And the most vital question, why go ahead and decide to have a child and the additional and awesome responsibility of being parents when you have not yet learnt to be partners?
I am not advocating easy dissolution of relationships; in fact i work with lawyers who try their utmost to help the couples who approach them for the first hearing, to try and help them make the relationship work, not because of social pressure, but because the cause for the conflict may be something that can be worked on. But what i mean is, when you are so sure that the partnership is doomed right from day one, is there any sense in putting another human being through the trauma?
Mohana Narayanan
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
LAW FOR LOVE
A recent bill in the parliament spoke about a law where it was mandatory for children to take care of their aged parents. No doubt, a very commendable step by the government to make sure the senior citizens do not spend their twilight years at the mercy of their children. However, how much can a law instill those feelings of love and care in the children towards their parents, I wonder. Of course, it might force them to make sure that the senior citizens do not lack the bottom-most rung of the Need Pyramid of Maslow.
A son climbing up the corporate ladder may make sure that his parents have a roof over their heads, and two square meals a day. The higher-up corporates might even set them up in a separate apartment, so that ‘their lifestyles do not rub into each other”. They might make sure they have a daily maid so that the women-folk are done with the drudgery of the kitchen. So you have both of them, in an empty apartment, with all the amenities no doubt, but just sitting and staring at each other the whole day. If they are TV addicts, then to a certain extent their boredom is taken care of !
Can the government make a law however, where it is compulsory for the son and his wife to spend some time with these aged souls?
Can the government make sure the grandchildren are not on hello and bye terms with these grandparents, who are just kissed on the grandparents’ day, once a year?
Can the government make a law wherein it is mandatory for the family to have at least one meal together everyday where the meal is not so important, as the togetherness?
Can the government also make a law, wherein the extended family, and not only the progeny, are compulsorily made to provide succor for their parents? I think what is lacking today, more than the physical needs, are the emotional needs. This cannot be always filled in by just the sons and the daughters. Lifestyle has changed today. Senior citizens have reached this age, after living in a joint family, or at least having strong family ties. That is what they need. Today’s nuclear families and values leave them shaken. What is popularly known today as ‘extended’ families, need to contribute to provide emotional support to the senior generation. Not just the son, the daughter-in-law and the grandchildren. Of course, the moral responsibility is theirs, but can the others in the family be a little more affectionate towards them? And not wait till the person passes away and then show their ‘affection’ ?
I know of this senior gentleman, who was very independent by nature and by a stroke of luck, had to spend his last years in his son’s house, something that he never wanted to. So the son took up another flat in the same apartment, and provided him whatever spartan needs the gentleman had. He was very happy, and the family would have their meals together; the daughter-in-law would insist on that. He had become a recluse and none in the family understood his pain – his pain of one of his son leaving him, his brother not willing to have him even as a visitor for a few days, and in the end, his failing health, a last blow. Depression had set in, but the younger generation was too busy to recognize the signs. Nobody from the extended family visited him, as he had become just a part of their past, though they claimed they had tremendous respect and admiration for him! His withdrawal was put to aging; the daughter-in-law’s pleas to the family, to try and convince him to get medical check-ups done, to have him over for a change, proved futile. He won’t listen, they would say. And they could do nothing further.
The son and his wife watched helplessly as he slowly sunk into oblivion. They managed to save him from going blind just in the nick of time, after the daughter-in-law literally dragged him to the doctor.
After he finally decided to give up living , the recriminations came – and they came hard and fast. Judgments on how the son had failed the father, etc. etc. Are senior citizens only your father and mother? The other elders in the family, whom you claim you respect and admire, do not merit your time and attention? More so, when, as an extended family, you claim that you were very fond of this person. Not that it ever showed. They would fly in and out of the city, never once visiting this man. And when they did, it was too late. They could see the shell that was left of this man. Maybe it was this guilt, that they were not around sooner, that made them throw back brickbats at the son about the way the father was handled.
In such a situation, how does one expect a law to instill care and concern in children’s hearts? Senior citizens are the roots one survives on; and they are not only your parents, but also all the others who have made you what you are today. No government decree can make one understand this fact; this has to be felt from within. How many of us are willing to face truth?
A son climbing up the corporate ladder may make sure that his parents have a roof over their heads, and two square meals a day. The higher-up corporates might even set them up in a separate apartment, so that ‘their lifestyles do not rub into each other”. They might make sure they have a daily maid so that the women-folk are done with the drudgery of the kitchen. So you have both of them, in an empty apartment, with all the amenities no doubt, but just sitting and staring at each other the whole day. If they are TV addicts, then to a certain extent their boredom is taken care of !
Can the government make a law however, where it is compulsory for the son and his wife to spend some time with these aged souls?
Can the government make sure the grandchildren are not on hello and bye terms with these grandparents, who are just kissed on the grandparents’ day, once a year?
Can the government make a law wherein it is mandatory for the family to have at least one meal together everyday where the meal is not so important, as the togetherness?
Can the government also make a law, wherein the extended family, and not only the progeny, are compulsorily made to provide succor for their parents? I think what is lacking today, more than the physical needs, are the emotional needs. This cannot be always filled in by just the sons and the daughters. Lifestyle has changed today. Senior citizens have reached this age, after living in a joint family, or at least having strong family ties. That is what they need. Today’s nuclear families and values leave them shaken. What is popularly known today as ‘extended’ families, need to contribute to provide emotional support to the senior generation. Not just the son, the daughter-in-law and the grandchildren. Of course, the moral responsibility is theirs, but can the others in the family be a little more affectionate towards them? And not wait till the person passes away and then show their ‘affection’ ?
I know of this senior gentleman, who was very independent by nature and by a stroke of luck, had to spend his last years in his son’s house, something that he never wanted to. So the son took up another flat in the same apartment, and provided him whatever spartan needs the gentleman had. He was very happy, and the family would have their meals together; the daughter-in-law would insist on that. He had become a recluse and none in the family understood his pain – his pain of one of his son leaving him, his brother not willing to have him even as a visitor for a few days, and in the end, his failing health, a last blow. Depression had set in, but the younger generation was too busy to recognize the signs. Nobody from the extended family visited him, as he had become just a part of their past, though they claimed they had tremendous respect and admiration for him! His withdrawal was put to aging; the daughter-in-law’s pleas to the family, to try and convince him to get medical check-ups done, to have him over for a change, proved futile. He won’t listen, they would say. And they could do nothing further.
The son and his wife watched helplessly as he slowly sunk into oblivion. They managed to save him from going blind just in the nick of time, after the daughter-in-law literally dragged him to the doctor.
After he finally decided to give up living , the recriminations came – and they came hard and fast. Judgments on how the son had failed the father, etc. etc. Are senior citizens only your father and mother? The other elders in the family, whom you claim you respect and admire, do not merit your time and attention? More so, when, as an extended family, you claim that you were very fond of this person. Not that it ever showed. They would fly in and out of the city, never once visiting this man. And when they did, it was too late. They could see the shell that was left of this man. Maybe it was this guilt, that they were not around sooner, that made them throw back brickbats at the son about the way the father was handled.
In such a situation, how does one expect a law to instill care and concern in children’s hearts? Senior citizens are the roots one survives on; and they are not only your parents, but also all the others who have made you what you are today. No government decree can make one understand this fact; this has to be felt from within. How many of us are willing to face truth?
Survivors' tool kit
You have agencies with a 24-hour hotline number, which you can call when you feel suicidal. They talk to you and bring you out of your desperation, and then maybe take you on for further counselling. No layman is qualified to know whether the person sitting next to him is feeling suicidal or not, and the same applies to a member of his or her family. The person who takes his life is does so in momentary madness; and if courage accompanies the momentary madness, the suicide attempt is successful (other things being conducive). He is no longer in a position to think in a sane manner, either about the repercussions the others would face, or the way the family would handle the issue. So he cannot be blamed, unless it is for lack of courage to live. But once he is away and gone, and then the blame game starts.
The immediate family starts questioning – why ? where did we go wrong ?
The extended family dons the mantle of a moral judge – You are to blame. The closer you are to the deceased, the better the chances that you are made responsible for the act.
What prompts them I wonder, to take this stance of passing judgments, without knowing what had happened? This gentleman decides to die, and his family is shell-shocked. They are running around, hoping that they would not have ugly scenes, and so avoid talking about it totally. The immediate family wanted him to at least have the dignity of his going not being ripped threadbare. He had decided to go, so he went. But the ones left behind decided to do a postmortem – of the man’s life, of his relationships, and of his motives. So they decided to make him the subject of dinner table conversations, and family meetings were arranged to discuss the issue threadbare — discuss without having any facts on hand. They decided that because they were not included into the dastardly secret of his death, they were ‘terribly hurt’. And so they decided that they would no longer be available as a family to the trauma-ridden son.
Their hurt of being kept out of the secret was apparently more than that the utter horror and trauma of the daughter-in-law, who was the sole witness to the act. They decided that they did not want to have anything to do with this family, where the father goes ahead and ends his life, without a thought about what would follow. They did not want to think that they could have, in any way contributed to the depression that may have set off this man to do what he did. When he had, in one of his weaker moments confessed to his son, how disappointed he was in the extended family – in his brother who refused to have him at his place for a couple of weeks; in his nephews who had become so busy in their lives they had no time for an old man like him; in his elder son, who had, without so much a thought, left him to fend for himself; the son never thought of passing the buck and letting them stew in the regret and in the aftermath of having failed to meet expectations of an aging man, whom they had respected – or so they claimed. The son only defended them saying they all had their own problems and their own lives. His failing health had been the last straw on the camel’s back; and he chose to go.
To come to the beginning of this piece, are there agencies that counsel families that indulge in this blame game, families that believe that the immediate family is guilty and responsible for the act, and to tell the extended families, how wrong they are when they feel that they have to don the mantle of a judge ?
I wonder how the moral judges would have reacted, if they only knew how much they too were responsible? They proclaimed that they were ‘very hurt because they were not let in on the details of the death, and held both the sons responsible for their father’s death.’ They also did not ‘want any explanations’. How presumptious to think that they would get one! I read somewhere, that there are no real targets in an emotional attack; it is usually a way for the attacker to redirect their uncomfortable feelings away from themselves. So, after a lot of self-talk and self-counselling, the son and his wife decided not to take this attack personally, and to be large-hearted enough to give the accusers the comfort that they had had an opportunity to shift their blame and ease their conscience…..
The immediate family starts questioning – why ? where did we go wrong ?
The extended family dons the mantle of a moral judge – You are to blame. The closer you are to the deceased, the better the chances that you are made responsible for the act.
What prompts them I wonder, to take this stance of passing judgments, without knowing what had happened? This gentleman decides to die, and his family is shell-shocked. They are running around, hoping that they would not have ugly scenes, and so avoid talking about it totally. The immediate family wanted him to at least have the dignity of his going not being ripped threadbare. He had decided to go, so he went. But the ones left behind decided to do a postmortem – of the man’s life, of his relationships, and of his motives. So they decided to make him the subject of dinner table conversations, and family meetings were arranged to discuss the issue threadbare — discuss without having any facts on hand. They decided that because they were not included into the dastardly secret of his death, they were ‘terribly hurt’. And so they decided that they would no longer be available as a family to the trauma-ridden son.
Their hurt of being kept out of the secret was apparently more than that the utter horror and trauma of the daughter-in-law, who was the sole witness to the act. They decided that they did not want to have anything to do with this family, where the father goes ahead and ends his life, without a thought about what would follow. They did not want to think that they could have, in any way contributed to the depression that may have set off this man to do what he did. When he had, in one of his weaker moments confessed to his son, how disappointed he was in the extended family – in his brother who refused to have him at his place for a couple of weeks; in his nephews who had become so busy in their lives they had no time for an old man like him; in his elder son, who had, without so much a thought, left him to fend for himself; the son never thought of passing the buck and letting them stew in the regret and in the aftermath of having failed to meet expectations of an aging man, whom they had respected – or so they claimed. The son only defended them saying they all had their own problems and their own lives. His failing health had been the last straw on the camel’s back; and he chose to go.
To come to the beginning of this piece, are there agencies that counsel families that indulge in this blame game, families that believe that the immediate family is guilty and responsible for the act, and to tell the extended families, how wrong they are when they feel that they have to don the mantle of a judge ?
I wonder how the moral judges would have reacted, if they only knew how much they too were responsible? They proclaimed that they were ‘very hurt because they were not let in on the details of the death, and held both the sons responsible for their father’s death.’ They also did not ‘want any explanations’. How presumptious to think that they would get one! I read somewhere, that there are no real targets in an emotional attack; it is usually a way for the attacker to redirect their uncomfortable feelings away from themselves. So, after a lot of self-talk and self-counselling, the son and his wife decided not to take this attack personally, and to be large-hearted enough to give the accusers the comfort that they had had an opportunity to shift their blame and ease their conscience…..
THE LACK OF SUPPORT SERVICES
I recently read a book, in which the author writes about supporting the dying. The ones who are transgressing to the other world are losing a whole world together; their life, their job, their loved ones, their very existence… so, they need all the support they can get. What a profound statement, and how revealing. Here, we are not able to cope with a simple, single, materialistic loss. More important, others do not know how to cope with your loss! Of course the platitudes come in, comforting words are rendered at the right moment, in the right tone, but that is just about it. Afterwards, when the person really is down and out, no one is around to hold a hand. After all, how long can one cope with another’s loss right?
Wrong. A cousin of mine lost his job a few months back. It was unexpected, sudden and mind-boggling. They did not know what hit them, and both he and his wife went on auto-pilot. They accepted phone-calls, assurances which came in during the first few days of the blow, when they did not even know what was happening. When the fact finally hit them, and they were coming to terms with it, and learnt to live with it, they found they had other crosses to bear. They had people falling out of their lives. They all trickled away, one by one, maybe not knowing what to talk to the “losers”. Maybe they felt uncomfortable, calling up talking about inconsequential things, when they could not offer any solution to the major problem this couple had on hand.
But I ask, is it really necessary to call only if you have a job to offer this person? Couldn’t one just call and find out how they were doing? After all, day in and day out, they were immersed only in this problem; they would have welcomed a diversion. Lest you think otherwise, they are not the whining kind: they have been coping with the issue on their own, never asked for favours, never borrowed money (which all might be reasons for people hesitating to call!) But yes, they have missed people; people who they thought would be around to just offer moral support. Just a phone call once in a while would have definitely helped the other to know he or she is still wanted, is still cared for and loved, irrespective of the fact that he does not hold a lucrative job, or a visiting card.
There is another angle to the issue. You also have another set of people, the close, family people, who get the impression that he is whiling away his time, just because he listens to music, or gets ‘side-tracked’ by other issues (which keeps him sane in moments of desperation). Why does he not apply for jobs, instead of….they query. How intensely comforting! They safely conclude that he is not trying hard enough! Or… How come he has not got a job till now? They wonder... Well, jobs are not exactly the Indian population you know, they don’t multiply like rabbits. To such people yes, they would be grateful if they don’t call and enquire; for they do more harm than good!
Offer support when it is needed and the way it is needed: sometime, simply by being there is enough. Let us not do the disappearing act, just because we cannot give the person what he has lost; sometimes, they are not even looking for that; they are simply looking for comfort, assurance, that it is not the end of the world. And if our presence can give one this feeling, is it too much to ask?
Wrong. A cousin of mine lost his job a few months back. It was unexpected, sudden and mind-boggling. They did not know what hit them, and both he and his wife went on auto-pilot. They accepted phone-calls, assurances which came in during the first few days of the blow, when they did not even know what was happening. When the fact finally hit them, and they were coming to terms with it, and learnt to live with it, they found they had other crosses to bear. They had people falling out of their lives. They all trickled away, one by one, maybe not knowing what to talk to the “losers”. Maybe they felt uncomfortable, calling up talking about inconsequential things, when they could not offer any solution to the major problem this couple had on hand.
But I ask, is it really necessary to call only if you have a job to offer this person? Couldn’t one just call and find out how they were doing? After all, day in and day out, they were immersed only in this problem; they would have welcomed a diversion. Lest you think otherwise, they are not the whining kind: they have been coping with the issue on their own, never asked for favours, never borrowed money (which all might be reasons for people hesitating to call!) But yes, they have missed people; people who they thought would be around to just offer moral support. Just a phone call once in a while would have definitely helped the other to know he or she is still wanted, is still cared for and loved, irrespective of the fact that he does not hold a lucrative job, or a visiting card.
There is another angle to the issue. You also have another set of people, the close, family people, who get the impression that he is whiling away his time, just because he listens to music, or gets ‘side-tracked’ by other issues (which keeps him sane in moments of desperation). Why does he not apply for jobs, instead of….they query. How intensely comforting! They safely conclude that he is not trying hard enough! Or… How come he has not got a job till now? They wonder... Well, jobs are not exactly the Indian population you know, they don’t multiply like rabbits. To such people yes, they would be grateful if they don’t call and enquire; for they do more harm than good!
Offer support when it is needed and the way it is needed: sometime, simply by being there is enough. Let us not do the disappearing act, just because we cannot give the person what he has lost; sometimes, they are not even looking for that; they are simply looking for comfort, assurance, that it is not the end of the world. And if our presence can give one this feeling, is it too much to ask?
Sunday, October 18, 2009
A THERAPIST FOR THE COUNSELLOR!
The waves lapped gently at my feet and I saw crabs scuttling away from the vicinity as I stood early morning at the beach, marveling at the different sounds of silence. The visitors were few at that time. Though the sea was rough, I felt an underlying calm that somehow resonated with what I was feeling.
A woman approached me and giving me a hesitant smile, invited me to visit her shop at a shack a few furlongs away. For want of anything better to do, I started chatting with her. She seemed to be only too willing to share her woes with me. She was widowed eleven years ago, and lost five of her seven children to the sea. She was now taking care of two of her grandchildren, along with her daughter-in-law, and struggling to make a living. She did not know how to sell fish, she said, and all she could do was to sell souvenirs to the foreigners who came to the resort. But there too, she felt at a disadvantage, as she was not a very good salesperson! After sharing her life sketch, she declared that there was no God: he went out with the tsunami! But in spite of all this hardships, she had a smile on her face. No, she said, she never thought of moving to the city; city life has no values, according to her. Here, in spite of the hardships, people could be trusted, they were human and dependable. The bonding was something that made up for all the hardships. In a city, you only had to look away for a minute, and your baggage would be taken away under your very nose! The girls in the city too were very fast, she opioned. That is why boys prefer girls from a village as their bride… They may not be very smart or even even well-educated – but they were sound in their values. Her basics were very clear!!!
After eliciting a promise from me to visit her shop, she walked away, leaving me musing on her simple views on life. Here we were, all running a race for I don’t know what, working 24x7, chasing dreams that we had no real faith in, but went along because we lived more of a fictional life than an authentic one. Now and then, we find our authentic self calling, like it happened to me, and that is when we head for the seas and the sands, to the mountains and the hills, in the hope of a reconnection with our true selves. I am not very sure it happens, but it does provide a much needed brake in the race. It did to me; I realized how much I had lost myself in the daily chores of life, and the reconnections did wonders to my spirits. In some way, this woman made me talk to myself, to that part of her in me, who still believed that there are joys in relationships, in connecting with people, and restore faith in the fact that in spite of a lot of misfortunes, we can continue to find joy, and count our blessings.
She did wonder though, what made her talk and open up with me so comfortably, share so much of her life when I had hardly known her for five minutes: I did not tell her that though I may have been wearing the invisible halo of a counselor that I was, I had been counseled by her for a change! At a time when I was skeptical about human relationships, her strong faith in humanity more than in divinity, gave me a much-needed anchor. I hope I keep my promise though, and visit her shop tomorrow morning before I head back for the humdrum city life. If I do, that will be one more person who would prove her belief in humanity right! And just for that sake, I will visit her shop: I will keep my promise: both to her, and to myself….
Mohana Narayanan
A woman approached me and giving me a hesitant smile, invited me to visit her shop at a shack a few furlongs away. For want of anything better to do, I started chatting with her. She seemed to be only too willing to share her woes with me. She was widowed eleven years ago, and lost five of her seven children to the sea. She was now taking care of two of her grandchildren, along with her daughter-in-law, and struggling to make a living. She did not know how to sell fish, she said, and all she could do was to sell souvenirs to the foreigners who came to the resort. But there too, she felt at a disadvantage, as she was not a very good salesperson! After sharing her life sketch, she declared that there was no God: he went out with the tsunami! But in spite of all this hardships, she had a smile on her face. No, she said, she never thought of moving to the city; city life has no values, according to her. Here, in spite of the hardships, people could be trusted, they were human and dependable. The bonding was something that made up for all the hardships. In a city, you only had to look away for a minute, and your baggage would be taken away under your very nose! The girls in the city too were very fast, she opioned. That is why boys prefer girls from a village as their bride… They may not be very smart or even even well-educated – but they were sound in their values. Her basics were very clear!!!
After eliciting a promise from me to visit her shop, she walked away, leaving me musing on her simple views on life. Here we were, all running a race for I don’t know what, working 24x7, chasing dreams that we had no real faith in, but went along because we lived more of a fictional life than an authentic one. Now and then, we find our authentic self calling, like it happened to me, and that is when we head for the seas and the sands, to the mountains and the hills, in the hope of a reconnection with our true selves. I am not very sure it happens, but it does provide a much needed brake in the race. It did to me; I realized how much I had lost myself in the daily chores of life, and the reconnections did wonders to my spirits. In some way, this woman made me talk to myself, to that part of her in me, who still believed that there are joys in relationships, in connecting with people, and restore faith in the fact that in spite of a lot of misfortunes, we can continue to find joy, and count our blessings.
She did wonder though, what made her talk and open up with me so comfortably, share so much of her life when I had hardly known her for five minutes: I did not tell her that though I may have been wearing the invisible halo of a counselor that I was, I had been counseled by her for a change! At a time when I was skeptical about human relationships, her strong faith in humanity more than in divinity, gave me a much-needed anchor. I hope I keep my promise though, and visit her shop tomorrow morning before I head back for the humdrum city life. If I do, that will be one more person who would prove her belief in humanity right! And just for that sake, I will visit her shop: I will keep my promise: both to her, and to myself….
Mohana Narayanan
THE HEALING BREAK
The stress and strain and the daily drudgery were wearing me down. I realized that somewhere, I had lost myself, and the ability to think rationally. I recognized I was ready for an overhauling!
On the eve of diwali, the festival that ushers in all that is new and auspicious, I decided to head out of the city to a quiet resort. I know there were questions in my friends’ minds; on diwali day, you would not be at home? Don’t you have to greet your friends and relatives, do the usual things that are normally done on a diwali day, so that you fall in with the age old customs and systems?
But I was in a state of mind that entertained no such questions. I was no longer available for receiving advice from anybody. I was ready to ‘do the new’! I was tired, both in body and mind and wanted a break.
I checked in at the resort, about an hour’s drive from the city I lived, and was just in time to catch the sunset. Even as I checked in at the counter, I could feel my nerves untangling… the sweet smell of the jasmine garland that I was welcomed with was heady to my olfactory senses, and the small roll of wet tissue offered by a smiling receptionist cleansed more than just the grime collected on the drive. I was tuned in to the atmosphere, even before I walked to the beach.
The twilight was serene. The beach was deserted and I did what I had wanted to do for a very long time in my life; sit under a coconut palm very close to the water and stare through the leaves at the stars while the waves played music for me. It was therapeutic; and I realized how much I had missed just living. I had let matters that did not really matter that much, take on gigantic proportions in my life, and had missed out on such beautiful moments that were simply in tune with nature.
It is so very easy to lose our perspectives when we are into an issue, so much so that we even are unable to find our normal insight into affairs of the world. We get caught up in matters of consequence, and we are no longer able to sift the chaff from the grain.
Can we all treat ourselves to such bountiful, available therapy time and again? For I believe there is no better doctor, therapist or counselor than nature. She is there available for each one of us, for when in tune with her, the doctor, the healer or the therapist that is there in each one of us awakens and comes alive. Life is no longer a burden. The expense of the resort does not matter anymore; it is what you get in return that more than makes up for the expensive service or the money you dish out.
I am at peace today. At peace and relaxed and completely unwound. I hope to carry this over the next couple of days too, and when I do drive back, I hope I am carrying this extra luggage! This gift of serenity that I have borrowed from nature, till such time that the cloud of daily living coats it with its dust, is one luggage I won’t mind paying extra for!
Mohana Narayanan
On the eve of diwali, the festival that ushers in all that is new and auspicious, I decided to head out of the city to a quiet resort. I know there were questions in my friends’ minds; on diwali day, you would not be at home? Don’t you have to greet your friends and relatives, do the usual things that are normally done on a diwali day, so that you fall in with the age old customs and systems?
But I was in a state of mind that entertained no such questions. I was no longer available for receiving advice from anybody. I was ready to ‘do the new’! I was tired, both in body and mind and wanted a break.
I checked in at the resort, about an hour’s drive from the city I lived, and was just in time to catch the sunset. Even as I checked in at the counter, I could feel my nerves untangling… the sweet smell of the jasmine garland that I was welcomed with was heady to my olfactory senses, and the small roll of wet tissue offered by a smiling receptionist cleansed more than just the grime collected on the drive. I was tuned in to the atmosphere, even before I walked to the beach.
The twilight was serene. The beach was deserted and I did what I had wanted to do for a very long time in my life; sit under a coconut palm very close to the water and stare through the leaves at the stars while the waves played music for me. It was therapeutic; and I realized how much I had missed just living. I had let matters that did not really matter that much, take on gigantic proportions in my life, and had missed out on such beautiful moments that were simply in tune with nature.
It is so very easy to lose our perspectives when we are into an issue, so much so that we even are unable to find our normal insight into affairs of the world. We get caught up in matters of consequence, and we are no longer able to sift the chaff from the grain.
Can we all treat ourselves to such bountiful, available therapy time and again? For I believe there is no better doctor, therapist or counselor than nature. She is there available for each one of us, for when in tune with her, the doctor, the healer or the therapist that is there in each one of us awakens and comes alive. Life is no longer a burden. The expense of the resort does not matter anymore; it is what you get in return that more than makes up for the expensive service or the money you dish out.
I am at peace today. At peace and relaxed and completely unwound. I hope to carry this over the next couple of days too, and when I do drive back, I hope I am carrying this extra luggage! This gift of serenity that I have borrowed from nature, till such time that the cloud of daily living coats it with its dust, is one luggage I won’t mind paying extra for!
Mohana Narayanan
Thursday, October 08, 2009
The real dream
The hissing sound of the pressure cooker and the smell of cooked rice woke me up, and I jumped out of bed. I had overslept, and would be inexcusably late to work. I had to finish cooking, packing lunch for all, and leave instructions for the maid.
Added to it, I had oiled my hair the previous night and had to have a hair wash unless I wanted to go to office looking like a plucked hen. These thoughts ran in my mind at breakneck speed, along with the thought that some fairy godmother had taken charge of the kitchen… that is where I was getting the smell of food from. Could it be true? Or was it a holiday - was I allowed the luxury of wallowing in sleep for a while without running to catch the bus - was it a lazy Sunday morning?
The boundary between dream and reality was very thin. I heard the shrill ringing of the clock over the sound of the pressure cooker, over the olfactory sensations of food and over my racing thoughts… in my half-awake state. I had been dreaming… dreaming that things were being taken care of while I was running behind schedule. The first rude awakening was that I was not: I was not allowed to run late, by the grace of the alarm clock which promptly put me on auto-pilot. I could look forward to oversleeping, perhaps on the day the alarm clock fails to wake me up. But till then, fairy godmother remains a dream!
How many women of today, who are juggling their home and career, go through these thoughts day in and day out, balancing between running a home to perfection, yet managing to line the family kitty? When a woman goes to work, there are no excuses in her mind as far as the home front is concerned. And, of course, because of the glass ceiling effect, there is no excuse at work either, where she has to prove twice over, her capabilities.
When I went back to work after 12 long years of being a home-maker, I was very apprehensive: not because I had doubts about my ability to deliver; but about how the home front would cope. My daughter had been used to seeing me at home whenever she would come home from school: her day diary would run non-stop while she changed and had her snacks and milk. To whom would she chatter to when she came home?
I need not have worried; she may have missed me, but she coped. So did my husband, and my father-in-law. But then, I realised, their life had not undergone a metamorphosis: they still had their meals on time: my father-in-law still had his routine unhampered. The only one whose life had undergone a change was mine. I was the one who was juggling home and career, like I was juggling dreams and reality: the demarcation seemed to be fading…
When circumstances necessitated me to take up a job, little did I realise what I was letting myself in for: not that I had any choice. But the dust on the centre table,or the uncleaned bathroom or the bundle of clothes from the cleaners waiting to be put away, never seemed to bother anybody else but me when I came home from work. But by then I was so tired, it somehow did not seem to matter anymore. I somehow could not muster up enough energy to see if my plants had been watered, or they had been kept out in the sun.
When a woman goes out to work in the world, somehow her whole perception seems to undergo a change. I met people who are forced to work, and each one had a story to tell: stories about unattended children, people working because they needed the salary to pay their loan the next month, or people who have to escape from the confines of home.
Whatever the reason, when I woke up the next morning, I realised: whether a dream or reality, going out to work has to be out of choice: otherwise each step one takes seems one of lead.
So today, I have made a conscious choice not to let the dust on the furniture bother me, or the drying plants catch my attention. Today, I have decided to change track and join the rat-race: for if I do not, I will be constantly living a life of dreams, where one wakes up to the smell of cooked food, of timely help at home, and when I do wake up I will find stark reality staring at me in the face: when the alarm clock runs dead and I am behind schedule…
Ruminations from the kitchen window
At sharp 8.30 the crow caws away at my kitchen window, demanding his morning meal. In the midst of rushing between lunchboxes, breakfast, getting my daughter ready, I manage to keep something for him at the sill.
Of late, I had noticed that if I keep a slice of bread he glares at me and flies away to the nearby coconut tree and watches me from there. I feel uncomfortable, like the feeling you get when you are in a marketplace and you feel someone is staring at you, but you don’t know who.
On some days, the flurry of activity is too much for me to even pause to think; on the days I do, I change the menu for the crow, give a piece of roti, or idli or dosa. Anything is okay: but the slice of bread brings out the animosity in him!
On days I don’t give anything else, after about an hour or so he comes and flies away with the piece but letting me know in no uncertain terms he is doing it only as a favour to me and not because he wants it. Ah, yeah, I forgot, toasted bread is a definite ‘no no’.
Recently, I left a slice of bread, as usual broken in two to facilitate him to carry it away.
He came, saw and flew away to the coconut tree, leaving the bread behind. I took out idlis to serve my husband, and feeling guilty, as if we were having a good meal and leaving left overs to the crow, I left an idli on the sill. Before I could turn away, he was at the window, giving me an approving look after tasting the idli.
He then flew away to the coconut tree, his dining table, and holding the idli with his claws started cawing away. I was wondering what was wrong now: maybe the salt was not enough? Or it was too hard? I stood there watching. He took a couple of pecks, left the idli there and flew away. I understood then: he was calling out for his companion, who failed to turn up so he had gone looking for him/her.
Meanwhile, the squirrel that lives on that tree came out for a quick nibble of the idli. The crow swooped down and the squirrel darted back to its nest, peering out from between the palms, waiting and watching...He probably does not mind leftovers...
The crow made another trip around, but came back alone. The bread was still on the sill and he came and took one half of it away, and left it on the terrace of the next building, all along keeping a watch on his idli, and watching out for his friend. Maybe his friend preferred the bread, and would perhaps come?
More pressing matters of the day warranted my attention and I came away. After a while when I went to the kitchen I happened to glance out - the piece of idli had disappeared: and the bread on the terrace and the windowsill remained there - who had taken the idli? Did the crow finally eat it, not able to resist his hunger, temptation, giving in to his baser instincts instead of his more social leanings?
Or did the squirrel win, proving the maxim ‘survival of the strongest’ wrong, but instead that perseverance and cunningness win?
I would never really know; but I do know one thing. Man would chase away his own kind, if he were to be threatened by want, and hoard all that he wants for himself, even hoarding what he does not need.
The crow only chased away another of the species, saving up the possession for one of his own kind. Maybe there is more altruism left in the crow than in man. Otherwise, how would one explain the rioting and waylaying of relief measures for the tragedy-stricken by a few strong men, who want more than their share???
Denial: a step to discipline
When we see children who misbehave, our ire is directed at them, and there are times when we feel like spanking them! Well, we need to pause and think; children owe their behaviour to their elders. We have two sets of them: one, who have a sense of bursting pride on their faces, when their children act smart alec: they need a basic course on parenting! and another who do not know how to handle a situation when their children misbehave or show-off in public. Though I don’t claim to follow Bill Cosby on parenting, I can definitely guarantee that a lot depends on the value a parent places on discipline in their children.
We need to catch them young. I have seen children who throw tantrums in restaurants insisting on having a particular dish, (or not having one and indulging in waste) or rolling on the ground insisting their parents give in to their demands which they do out of sheer embarrassment. This only reinforces the behaviour. It becomes a convenient tool in the child’s hands and as he or she grows up, we find that they expect the sun to rise and set for them, and them alone!
There is nothing that cannot be taught to them when young, or in other words, any issue that is of worth and value needs to be talked about with them and the pros and cons of the issue explained to them. I am sure they would understand, for example , if one explains tight finances in the family and how if they cut down some of their demands, they would be contributing to the family resources. I know of a child, whose father is out of a job, and though they are not hard up, they are careful about spending money. And never have I seen the child once demanding week-end treats or insisting on buying anything in particular. This is the result of a frank discussion the parents had with the child, who is just around 10 years of age. The fact that the child is being denied certain wishes does cross the parents’ minds, but they also realized that the child has to understand how to handle a crisis. I am sure, when she grows up, she would have known what want is: and that is not something what most children would do so of today’s generation. There are ‘well-wishers’ who advice the parents against this, saying they should not deny the child anything etc., but fortunately for sensible parenting, these parents are too wise to take heed. They know that denial is something everyone has to face in life: and if one learns how to do so as a child, life would be so much easier for her when she grows up. Today, life is made so simple and easy for this generation, everything is available before they even ask for it: I am sure they have never asked for the moon as yet, for parents today are so placating, we might one day find it is no longer in the sky!
So, let us understand that denying a child what he or she wants is only a step towards letting him or her know how to handle life better: and who would not want this for their child?
My daughter's mother
I read an article in the media, about how today’s generation is so very technology savvy that the parents might end up having an inferiority complex! Well, to a certain extent, it might be true. I speak from a first-hand experience. I have a teenage daughter who is a whiz at the computers and also other gizmos which I keep getting fascinated at… A music player, for example, which can store all my favourite songs, running to hundreds of them. I am amazed at the way my telephone can sing different tunes personifying the caller. I am struck with wonder at the way my mobile which suddenly acts funny, listens to one single command of my daughter, when I go running to her helplessly, like a toddler running to his or her mother, with his or her nappy strings untied!
Then of course, when she gets together with the younger generation, I am an antique piece and they have good fun at my expense – at my supposed ignorance of the function keys on the computer, the old model of my mobile and so on. I play along, and even pretend to act dumb at times, and I enjoy the sheer exuberance on their faces when I ‘apparently’ fall prey to their jokes directed at me and my ignorance…
So, contrary to what one might think, not all parents feel they are behind times and have an ego problem, when they are confronted with technology they cannot handle. I have come across more adults however, who feel they have no need to ask for help since they are so very confident of the knowledge they possess, and the rightness of it. Take the instance of this person who would rather go round and round in circles in an unknown area, rather than ask for directions! Or, for that matter the novice who is learning cooking, who insists on doing things on his own, rather than ask for short-cuts or tips his wife is willing to offer. He would jump in with ‘yeah I know’ and ‘I was about to do exactly what you saying’ comments that tend to infuriate the willing adviser, who decides to step back and watch the fun! The sheepish look on their faces after being faced with a dismal result (low on fuel, and a mess on the dinner table and the kitchen counter) is no comfort to those who were willing to help.
What prevents these people from accepting help? Is it a wrong notion of displaying helplessness, or is it that their ego is hurt when they have to ask for help? This gentleman who is learning cooking would rather pore over cookery books, than ask his wife for a tip! Any knowledge is difficult till it is mastered; any art is something to be looked up at till one tries one’s hand at it. With guidance, the level of confidence is maintained, and sometimes, it helps in faster learning. I’d rather my daughter teaches me how to operate the system rather than seeking from the ‘Help’ column. It does not offend my sense of prestige and does not increase my sense of being ignorant in any way.
I have also seen, that the older one gets the more difficult it is for them to even ask for help, let alone accept the proferred hand! This octogenarian that I know, would rather stumble, trip and fall, than been seen using a walking stick. When on an outing, his well-meaning daughter asked him to use the walking stick and he started on a loud conversation with her, demanding to know why was it that he always had to listen to everybody else!
She got so fed-up with Mr. Know-it-all (that is the name she had given him, he would never accept either information or advise from anybody) that she promised him she would never travel with him again! He was fine with it, rather than use the stick…
Unfortunately, not many of us think that learning from others or accepting help is in no way a reflection of the level of intelligence one has; on the other hand, it speaks of a high level of emotional intelligence, if one is able to learn from others either younger or older or one’s equal and do so with grace and equanimity. So, coming to the beginning of this article, I think basically it does not matter whom you learn from - it is your willingness to expand your knowledge, and understand the spirit in which knowledge is offered. Age or generation has nothing to do with it.
Marriage: why is it not a joint venture?
The bride was ready by 4.30 a.m. we reached the marriage hall by 5.30 as the boy’s party was to reach before 6.00. As soon as they walked in, the father of the boy wanted to know when we would give them coffee. I told them it was on the way. As it had rained heavily the previous night, there was water logging and the cook was delayed. “We have not had coffee since morning” he grumbled as he walked off. The boy wanted to know if the hall has been rented since 5.30, why the AC had not been switched on.
The boy’s aunt wanted to know why the rice balls for the ceremony were not prepared earlier; apparently, they would keep them ready the previous night! Their pundit insisted on the girl’s mother washing the boy’s feet and wiping it only with a silk cloth!
The father of the boy wanted to have the sweets and savouries reached to his room; it was not enough that they were displayed on the stage. He wanted to know whether the pappad would be served after he finished eating….The women in their side would have to be provided flowers to bedeck their hair.
Do you have a safety pin – My daughter needs them…
Could we have some plastic bags to carry our clothes in?
Could you give us some hair pins? The women need them to put flowers on their hair…
I was amazed at how creative and demanding a boy’s family at a marriage turns out to be!! Mind you, this was an intercaste marriage and though the boy did not want to go about it the traditional way, the girl’s family had insisted on meeting the boy’s family and at least attempt sorting out the issues amicably. They succeeded in getting the boy’s family to agree to the alliance. But then after this, every step of the way, they did not let the girl’s family forget the fact that they were ‘one up’ on the girl’s family.
How do we expect the next generation to believe in the equality of the sexes, sharing of running household, respecting the girl child etc., when we have people who insist on hanging on to age-old beliefs of the boy’s family being the one to be looked after in a marriage, they are more important, and are the VIPs in the function? Why it is that marriage is solely the ‘responsibility’ of the girl’s family? Isn’t their also son getting married? Is it not a life event for their son too? The girl’s family is supposed to supply them with even the sweets and savories which they can distribute to their families! Till the last minute they kept changing the number of people who would be present at the reception and at the lunch, resulting in anxious moments for the girl’s parents.
Of course there are families where the boy and his family insist on sharing the responsibility and even the expenses of a wedding, but I think this is more an exception than the rule. I know of a gentleman, who insisted on footing the bill for the dinner at the wedding of his son. His explanation was simple: your daughter is getting married, so you are spending. But my son is also getting married! You cannot deny me the pleasure of spending at my own son’s wedding! That is class and culture for you. Not because he agreed to spend; but because he believed that marriage is a union of two families where one is not servile to the other. May his tribe increase !!!
Monday, October 05, 2009
Driving class Vs Real life situation........
I had undertaken driving classes last week. The instructor did not know the languages I knew or understood, and I barely managed to make sense of his directions. In spite of that, I learnt driving. I also learnt much more, something that I had not bargained, nor paid for.
Like I told the instructor, along with the driving lessons, I was also learning another language: free of cost! He found my logic very amusing, and wanted to know how come I was not upset that he was not fluent in languages other than his mother tongue. Well, I did not have a choice. I had to learn driving: he was equipped to teach me. I could not afford to complain. To his credit, he knew certain basic words in English, and the rest, I could decipher.
What I learnt was much more than just learning to drive. I learnt how much control it gave you to be behind the steering, but I also admired the fact that he was willing to trust a novice with his life (The vehicle did not have supplementary controls). This confidence that he had in my ability to steer the vehicle without ramming into anything or anybody, obviously made me more cautious and alert.
I also learnt the fine art of balancing the clutch and the brake, for movement control of the vehicle while starting. His instructions of ‘half-clutch, brake, one point accelerator’ keep ringing in my ears even now! How simple it sounds; yet how difficult it is to achieve that one-point control! It taught me how to balance feelings and thoughts in my mind. It made me reflect as to how important it is to think before we feel, to avoid jerks, to tide over speed-breakers and to make sure the people we are travelling with in our journey do not feel the pressure of riding with us.
I guess we need to reflect that in our relationships. When to press the issue, when to let go, how much to pursue something, and when to draw the line… It is after all, about balancing. When I remove my feet from the clutch too fast, the vehicle stalls. If I remove it gradually, but then simultaneously accelerate, the vehicle moves forward smoothly.
He took me into lanes I would not have dreamt of going, if I was driving on my own! I would have parked the vehicle and walked it. But no, he insisted on putting me through a sheer torture of maneuvering through narrow lanes, in between huge contraptions of heavy vehicles, all the while urging me to be careful, to pay attention to the aspect of judgment and speed. Like how we form relationships, which are turbulent, and sometimes give them up halfway just because we do not have a person by our side guiding us through the stormy days, or simply do not have the mental or the emotional strength to see it through successfully..
Life is full of ups and downs. Climbing uphill requires much more dexterity than going down an incline. The former requires us to apply pressure on the accelerator; the latter, perfect control over the vehicle so that we do not lose control of the vehicle.
Isn’t that true of life too? When things seem to be going smooth, we tend to lapse in our efforts to be in control of a situation, and when the going gets tough, the strain we put ourselves through, trying to sail through taxes us and wrings us out emotionally.
How much simpler would life be, if we had an instructor with us all the time, with supplementary controls, telling us what to do! But we need to learn some lessons on our own… and the analogy of going for driving classes helped me to identify my own instructor : My thinking, rational self, who is more often than not lost in the crowd of unhealthy, irrational thoughts, which serve no useful purpose than being speed-breakers.
Mohana Narayanan
September 26,2009
Like I told the instructor, along with the driving lessons, I was also learning another language: free of cost! He found my logic very amusing, and wanted to know how come I was not upset that he was not fluent in languages other than his mother tongue. Well, I did not have a choice. I had to learn driving: he was equipped to teach me. I could not afford to complain. To his credit, he knew certain basic words in English, and the rest, I could decipher.
What I learnt was much more than just learning to drive. I learnt how much control it gave you to be behind the steering, but I also admired the fact that he was willing to trust a novice with his life (The vehicle did not have supplementary controls). This confidence that he had in my ability to steer the vehicle without ramming into anything or anybody, obviously made me more cautious and alert.
I also learnt the fine art of balancing the clutch and the brake, for movement control of the vehicle while starting. His instructions of ‘half-clutch, brake, one point accelerator’ keep ringing in my ears even now! How simple it sounds; yet how difficult it is to achieve that one-point control! It taught me how to balance feelings and thoughts in my mind. It made me reflect as to how important it is to think before we feel, to avoid jerks, to tide over speed-breakers and to make sure the people we are travelling with in our journey do not feel the pressure of riding with us.
I guess we need to reflect that in our relationships. When to press the issue, when to let go, how much to pursue something, and when to draw the line… It is after all, about balancing. When I remove my feet from the clutch too fast, the vehicle stalls. If I remove it gradually, but then simultaneously accelerate, the vehicle moves forward smoothly.
He took me into lanes I would not have dreamt of going, if I was driving on my own! I would have parked the vehicle and walked it. But no, he insisted on putting me through a sheer torture of maneuvering through narrow lanes, in between huge contraptions of heavy vehicles, all the while urging me to be careful, to pay attention to the aspect of judgment and speed. Like how we form relationships, which are turbulent, and sometimes give them up halfway just because we do not have a person by our side guiding us through the stormy days, or simply do not have the mental or the emotional strength to see it through successfully..
Life is full of ups and downs. Climbing uphill requires much more dexterity than going down an incline. The former requires us to apply pressure on the accelerator; the latter, perfect control over the vehicle so that we do not lose control of the vehicle.
Isn’t that true of life too? When things seem to be going smooth, we tend to lapse in our efforts to be in control of a situation, and when the going gets tough, the strain we put ourselves through, trying to sail through taxes us and wrings us out emotionally.
How much simpler would life be, if we had an instructor with us all the time, with supplementary controls, telling us what to do! But we need to learn some lessons on our own… and the analogy of going for driving classes helped me to identify my own instructor : My thinking, rational self, who is more often than not lost in the crowd of unhealthy, irrational thoughts, which serve no useful purpose than being speed-breakers.
Mohana Narayanan
September 26,2009
Saturday, April 18, 2009
The battle between the flexible thumb and a strong will
The husband, a palmist by pure interest took a look at his wife’s firm thumb and declared: you are stubborn. Comparing it with his own supple thumb, he categorized himself as being eminently flexible and thus took the credit for even the success of the marriage.
He went a step further… It is because you are so stubborn that you have so few friends… Look at me. And your daughter. We have so many friends, simply because we are not as stubborn as you. The one friend you have must be having a thumb which indicates that she is very flexible that is why……
The presence of the daughter prevented her from telling him to go take a hike.
It was not that that the prediction was the dictum of the Gods, though at that particular moment it hurt. It hurt to know that he would make such declarations without giving a thought to the making of the person.
Twenty years of togetherness may have instilled some ability to sense that all is suddenly not well. He tried to mend the damage, maybe sensing the undercurrents of the hurt, as she continued reading her book. Sensing her withdrawal, he commented again, addressing his daughter: maybe that is why she is so persevering, has such a strong will power compared to you and me. (I think he initially meant being strong-willed, when he said ‘stubborn’)
She could see no connection between being stubborn and having a strong will, though she was too tired to analyse, explain or even defend her personality traits! The child went to sleep. So did she. But somewhere the hurt filtered into her dreams, and she had a fitful night’s of rest.
Come next morning, and glancing through the paper, she happened to look at a column which spoke of enduring friendships. Relationships built during college days, during one’s career, and then finally about broken relationships which are not worth the sorrow it brings, because they do not justify the beauty of the relationship.
It set her thinking again. Were relationships lost in her life because she had been stubborn? She could not think of a single person whom she had dropped on the way, simply because of her inflexible thumb! On the other hand, the few people she had in her life, were there to catch her whenever she fell. How many people do you need to support you when you stumble? If the pair of hands is strong enough, just one will do.
I think we have very different measures to judge people’s emotional successes.
If you are able to spend the whole day simply clicking away at a mobile phone with that flexible thumb, sending messages to your countless ‘friends’, you take credit for the success of the relationship. Because the longer the list of people you have in your life, the better you are as a person! Thus spake one wise man, for whom there was apparently success in numbers!
Yes, this lady has very few people in her life… because she did not believe in excess baggage. She does not believe in superficial relationships. People feel threatened when they interact with her: threatened by her firm thinking, her clear thoughts and expression, and her persona of assertiveness (which people, for lack of a command of the language, and ignorant of the nuances term it aggressiveness).
But they also reach out to her when there is a crisis, when things were to be just done, no matter what the consequences, when they were like a lost herd of sheep… And just because she was the kind, who pitched in and just went about getting things done, she never attached any value to such actions of hers…. It was not done because she wanted accolades, or appreciation. As a part of society, as a weave in a large pattern of life, she did her share. This no-nonsense attitude of hers unnerved some people- simply because she had no time for soft-pedalling. Was it stubbornness I wonder, or just a strong-will?
This very lady stood like a rock beside her husband when he underwent terrible personal and professional tragedy…. drawing on this very quality of ‘stubbornness’ in her, which I choose to call a strength of the mind and an indomitable spirit. A strength which refused, and still refuses to buckle under pressure. She has sifted the chaff from the grain in her life, and she is happy with the ‘few meaningful relationships she has’ rather than collecting a crowd like a politician who has lorryloads of paid people coming to listen to his speech. She has company in other forms: in the form of books, music, the flora and the fauna, in her very own private thoughts and in forms which people who are flexible may never understand!!!
He went a step further… It is because you are so stubborn that you have so few friends… Look at me. And your daughter. We have so many friends, simply because we are not as stubborn as you. The one friend you have must be having a thumb which indicates that she is very flexible that is why……
The presence of the daughter prevented her from telling him to go take a hike.
It was not that that the prediction was the dictum of the Gods, though at that particular moment it hurt. It hurt to know that he would make such declarations without giving a thought to the making of the person.
Twenty years of togetherness may have instilled some ability to sense that all is suddenly not well. He tried to mend the damage, maybe sensing the undercurrents of the hurt, as she continued reading her book. Sensing her withdrawal, he commented again, addressing his daughter: maybe that is why she is so persevering, has such a strong will power compared to you and me. (I think he initially meant being strong-willed, when he said ‘stubborn’)
She could see no connection between being stubborn and having a strong will, though she was too tired to analyse, explain or even defend her personality traits! The child went to sleep. So did she. But somewhere the hurt filtered into her dreams, and she had a fitful night’s of rest.
Come next morning, and glancing through the paper, she happened to look at a column which spoke of enduring friendships. Relationships built during college days, during one’s career, and then finally about broken relationships which are not worth the sorrow it brings, because they do not justify the beauty of the relationship.
It set her thinking again. Were relationships lost in her life because she had been stubborn? She could not think of a single person whom she had dropped on the way, simply because of her inflexible thumb! On the other hand, the few people she had in her life, were there to catch her whenever she fell. How many people do you need to support you when you stumble? If the pair of hands is strong enough, just one will do.
I think we have very different measures to judge people’s emotional successes.
If you are able to spend the whole day simply clicking away at a mobile phone with that flexible thumb, sending messages to your countless ‘friends’, you take credit for the success of the relationship. Because the longer the list of people you have in your life, the better you are as a person! Thus spake one wise man, for whom there was apparently success in numbers!
Yes, this lady has very few people in her life… because she did not believe in excess baggage. She does not believe in superficial relationships. People feel threatened when they interact with her: threatened by her firm thinking, her clear thoughts and expression, and her persona of assertiveness (which people, for lack of a command of the language, and ignorant of the nuances term it aggressiveness).
But they also reach out to her when there is a crisis, when things were to be just done, no matter what the consequences, when they were like a lost herd of sheep… And just because she was the kind, who pitched in and just went about getting things done, she never attached any value to such actions of hers…. It was not done because she wanted accolades, or appreciation. As a part of society, as a weave in a large pattern of life, she did her share. This no-nonsense attitude of hers unnerved some people- simply because she had no time for soft-pedalling. Was it stubbornness I wonder, or just a strong-will?
This very lady stood like a rock beside her husband when he underwent terrible personal and professional tragedy…. drawing on this very quality of ‘stubbornness’ in her, which I choose to call a strength of the mind and an indomitable spirit. A strength which refused, and still refuses to buckle under pressure. She has sifted the chaff from the grain in her life, and she is happy with the ‘few meaningful relationships she has’ rather than collecting a crowd like a politician who has lorryloads of paid people coming to listen to his speech. She has company in other forms: in the form of books, music, the flora and the fauna, in her very own private thoughts and in forms which people who are flexible may never understand!!!
The right to live: Life: a fundamental right.
As a counselor, I get to handle a lot of clients who come with a problem which can be primarily traced to upbringing: dependency. A quality which, unfortunately, the parents are responsible for inculcating in children, when they insist on tying the shoelaces of a child who is quite capable of doing so on his own, when they insist on feeding the child when the child wants to eat on his own, explore, either because they do not want to clear up the mess later, or simply because they feel the child is not ‘old enough’. Such children grow up expecting the world to wait on them, and are unable to be effective problem solvers or decision makers. The parents continue to decide for them, the child keeps riding on their shoulders, thus perpetuating a dysfunctional family when he grows up and has a family of his own.
The parents fail to realize that every child is an individual in his own right. Right from the moment he chooses to be born. Yes, it is now widely accepted that a child chooses his womb, and his choice is based on a variety of lessons and experience that he needs to learn in this lifetime. When a child that is not even born into this world, who, when he is just a soul incapable of even bodily functions, is able to choose, what right do we have, as mere mortals, to decide or override this choice? What is the basis by which we decide whether the child lives or not? The child, like I said earlier, even chooses his parents. And we, self-righteously, decide to reject this; and the child. I remember seeing a film sometime back, when a child overhears his father, who is a police commissioner, declaring to the kidnappers of the child, that he would refuse to buckle to their ransom condition (release of a terrorist, I think I am not very sure). The child manages to escape from the kidnappers and comes back home, but grows to be thoroughly dysfunctional, carrying a chip on his shoulders against his father, who has proved that he chose to reject the child over his principles, and who is perplexed to see why his son has shut him out. He spends his entire career chasing his son who has become an anti-social element, not realizing the role he played in making him so.
What is the thread running here? The right to choose. The right that we deny to our children. The right that is being denied to a young foetus, just six months old. Simply because we decide the foetus does not have the right to choice. The right to decide. And the right to live. I dread to think what the child would go through, if he chooses to live, either with a disability or with all his abilities intact, when he comes to know that his parents rejected him even before he was born. Is he going to become a child with a conduct disorder, or carry with him a feeling of rebuff throughout his life? Will his parents be able to make up for this initial rejection? Just because one of his organs is malfunctioning? Do the parents realize that when they appeal to the law to allow them to abort the unborn child, they are tampering with a higher law? A law that sees no appeal, no petitions in higher courts? We pat ourselves on our back when a test tube baby survives for three decades and do retrospective living. Won’t the child do the same? What will he live through then? The society going down on bended knees before him will not erase the hurt in his mind then, unless he turns out to be elevated souls, and then we will have enough more to contend with!
Can we include an eighth fundamental right in the constitution? A Right to Life…
Mohana Narayanan
August 5, 2008
The parents fail to realize that every child is an individual in his own right. Right from the moment he chooses to be born. Yes, it is now widely accepted that a child chooses his womb, and his choice is based on a variety of lessons and experience that he needs to learn in this lifetime. When a child that is not even born into this world, who, when he is just a soul incapable of even bodily functions, is able to choose, what right do we have, as mere mortals, to decide or override this choice? What is the basis by which we decide whether the child lives or not? The child, like I said earlier, even chooses his parents. And we, self-righteously, decide to reject this; and the child. I remember seeing a film sometime back, when a child overhears his father, who is a police commissioner, declaring to the kidnappers of the child, that he would refuse to buckle to their ransom condition (release of a terrorist, I think I am not very sure). The child manages to escape from the kidnappers and comes back home, but grows to be thoroughly dysfunctional, carrying a chip on his shoulders against his father, who has proved that he chose to reject the child over his principles, and who is perplexed to see why his son has shut him out. He spends his entire career chasing his son who has become an anti-social element, not realizing the role he played in making him so.
What is the thread running here? The right to choose. The right that we deny to our children. The right that is being denied to a young foetus, just six months old. Simply because we decide the foetus does not have the right to choice. The right to decide. And the right to live. I dread to think what the child would go through, if he chooses to live, either with a disability or with all his abilities intact, when he comes to know that his parents rejected him even before he was born. Is he going to become a child with a conduct disorder, or carry with him a feeling of rebuff throughout his life? Will his parents be able to make up for this initial rejection? Just because one of his organs is malfunctioning? Do the parents realize that when they appeal to the law to allow them to abort the unborn child, they are tampering with a higher law? A law that sees no appeal, no petitions in higher courts? We pat ourselves on our back when a test tube baby survives for three decades and do retrospective living. Won’t the child do the same? What will he live through then? The society going down on bended knees before him will not erase the hurt in his mind then, unless he turns out to be elevated souls, and then we will have enough more to contend with!
Can we include an eighth fundamental right in the constitution? A Right to Life…
Mohana Narayanan
August 5, 2008
Friday, March 13, 2009
children: your joy or challenges?
The boy with his mother and grandfather shot across the road at the signal lights, hoping to catch the light before it turned green. Halfway through the road, the boy slipped and fell, and the grandfather who was following them, picked the boy up like a rag and slapped him tightly across his cheek. The screaming boy was dragged along by the mother. After reaching the end of the road, the boy sat down mutinously, refusing to move, and continued bawling.
The lights turned green and spurred by the honking traffic, I moved ahead. But the boy’s sorrowful face kept dancing in front of my eyes. Here was a boy who was hurt; and the grandfather, in his anxiety to cross the road, and perhaps for the boy’s safety, gave in to his anger and vented it out on the already hurt boy. Was the boy at fault? Did he fall on purpose? For that matter, were the elders doing the right thing, darting across the road like that?
Children have a reason for their actions and their thoughts; and these reasons spring from their little minds’ logic, which is just based on their feelings. If the feelings are negative, their actions show it, and vice versa.
Rudolf Dreikers, a social psychologist and an authority on handling children and their behaviour, is of the opinion that there is an underlying cause for the child’s misbehaviour, and has firm faith in a child’s rationality. However, if the child’s behaviour is based on misplaced goals, adults need to intervene. He lists out four reasons for a child’s misbehaviour:
Attention Getting: If a child cannot get attention for their positive behaviours, they will seek it with inappropriate behaviours. If your reaction is feeling annoyed or irritated, then this is the child’s goal.
Power and control: This is normally indulged in by children who feel inferior. Once the behaviour is repeated and catches the adults’ attention, the defiant behaviour escalates. This results in a power struggle. If you feel angry when your child misbehaves then power is his goal.
Revenge: This behaviour results from the thought of getting back at adults for the way they feel they have been treated (mistaken thought: unfairly). This usually happens after the first two methods for getting attention and power have failed. You will probably have feelings of hurt when revenge is your child’s goal. Do understand that the child is acting from a platform of being hurt.
Helplessness and Inadequacy: At this stage the child no longer cares what happens. The child acts passive, lethargic, rejects social control and refuses to comply or participate, and may even request to be left alone at this juncture. The adult also feels inadequate or incapable at this stage. Your feeling helplessness, escape or avoidance may be your child’s goal.
Having listed out the goals of misbehaviour, he also points out the ways by which we can handle misbehaviour effectively. Once we recognize the inner goal, we can help the child learn more appropriate goals. We need to thus understand the child’s goal by observing the behaviour in detail. We need to confront the child with the four goals. Use “Could it be questions…
Could it be that you want special attention?
Could it be that you want your own way?
Could it be that you want to hurt others as much as you are hurt by them?
Could it be that you want to be left alone?
We need to use Logical consequences, rather than reward and punishment. Logical consequences are results that a child faces when it immediately follows an action by the child.
It is a consequence that is directly linked to the action and the connection is perceived and experienced by the child.
He learns to perceive that he has a choice, and accepts the relationship of his choice to what followed (consequences).
It is different from punishment, in that the latter portrays the power of personal authority.
There is no element of moral judgment in logical consequences, and also allows a child to choose whether he wants to repeat an act, based on the consequences he experienced.
Encouragement is also vital to make the child aware that he is good and acceptable as he is, and not as he should be. We need to keep improvement in mind, not perfection.
We need to understand the difference between praise and encouragement. While praise recognizes the person, encouragement acknowledges the act.
Bringing up children is a lifetime commitment: if you decide to grow with them, there is no limit to the heights you can reach on the mountain of joy; but if it is a chore, then, the depths can be equally deep: the choice is yours...
Mohana Narayanan
January 2009
The lights turned green and spurred by the honking traffic, I moved ahead. But the boy’s sorrowful face kept dancing in front of my eyes. Here was a boy who was hurt; and the grandfather, in his anxiety to cross the road, and perhaps for the boy’s safety, gave in to his anger and vented it out on the already hurt boy. Was the boy at fault? Did he fall on purpose? For that matter, were the elders doing the right thing, darting across the road like that?
Children have a reason for their actions and their thoughts; and these reasons spring from their little minds’ logic, which is just based on their feelings. If the feelings are negative, their actions show it, and vice versa.
Rudolf Dreikers, a social psychologist and an authority on handling children and their behaviour, is of the opinion that there is an underlying cause for the child’s misbehaviour, and has firm faith in a child’s rationality. However, if the child’s behaviour is based on misplaced goals, adults need to intervene. He lists out four reasons for a child’s misbehaviour:
Attention Getting: If a child cannot get attention for their positive behaviours, they will seek it with inappropriate behaviours. If your reaction is feeling annoyed or irritated, then this is the child’s goal.
Power and control: This is normally indulged in by children who feel inferior. Once the behaviour is repeated and catches the adults’ attention, the defiant behaviour escalates. This results in a power struggle. If you feel angry when your child misbehaves then power is his goal.
Revenge: This behaviour results from the thought of getting back at adults for the way they feel they have been treated (mistaken thought: unfairly). This usually happens after the first two methods for getting attention and power have failed. You will probably have feelings of hurt when revenge is your child’s goal. Do understand that the child is acting from a platform of being hurt.
Helplessness and Inadequacy: At this stage the child no longer cares what happens. The child acts passive, lethargic, rejects social control and refuses to comply or participate, and may even request to be left alone at this juncture. The adult also feels inadequate or incapable at this stage. Your feeling helplessness, escape or avoidance may be your child’s goal.
Having listed out the goals of misbehaviour, he also points out the ways by which we can handle misbehaviour effectively. Once we recognize the inner goal, we can help the child learn more appropriate goals. We need to thus understand the child’s goal by observing the behaviour in detail. We need to confront the child with the four goals. Use “Could it be questions…
Could it be that you want special attention?
Could it be that you want your own way?
Could it be that you want to hurt others as much as you are hurt by them?
Could it be that you want to be left alone?
We need to use Logical consequences, rather than reward and punishment. Logical consequences are results that a child faces when it immediately follows an action by the child.
It is a consequence that is directly linked to the action and the connection is perceived and experienced by the child.
He learns to perceive that he has a choice, and accepts the relationship of his choice to what followed (consequences).
It is different from punishment, in that the latter portrays the power of personal authority.
There is no element of moral judgment in logical consequences, and also allows a child to choose whether he wants to repeat an act, based on the consequences he experienced.
Encouragement is also vital to make the child aware that he is good and acceptable as he is, and not as he should be. We need to keep improvement in mind, not perfection.
We need to understand the difference between praise and encouragement. While praise recognizes the person, encouragement acknowledges the act.
Bringing up children is a lifetime commitment: if you decide to grow with them, there is no limit to the heights you can reach on the mountain of joy; but if it is a chore, then, the depths can be equally deep: the choice is yours...
Mohana Narayanan
January 2009
The flip and the flop!
Scene One: It was her daughter’s sixteenth birthday. It was right in the middle of her board exams, but the stress level was manageable. So she decided to host a party with a few friends. But her daughter’s best friend refused to come. The reason: she was prone to falling sick, and she did not want to take any chances. She offered to call her mother and ask that the friend be sent for just a while, but she was not allowed to. It is her decision and I need to respect it, she told her mother They have a right to decide, she told her mother.
Scene Two: It was her good friend’s fiftieth birthday. She was uncomfortable attending the party, as her friend’s family treated her like a pariah, and she no longer felt tolerant enough to accept this unwarranted treatment. She gave her honest reasons for not wanting to attend, expecting her friend to understand the indignity she suffered every time, and asked her to attend a party she wanted to throw for her at her place. The friend took first-hand offence! She was accused the mother of being self-centered, of not respecting her best friend’s wishes, of ‘punishing’ her for all the past misdeeds that had happened in the relationship! She was asked for proof of the relationship: attend the party…. So that I do not have my family gloating over your absence! She offered to clarify this issue with her family later (after being pushed to a corner? When she had not done it all this while??)
Whether she attended the party, or whether the daughter’s friends came over, is not the issue here. What comes to mind is the start difference in the attitude of respect of boundary and validation of feelings in the relationship. Here was a teenager, who chose to respect, albeit her disappointment, her friend’s decision not to attend an important day in her life, even though the reason given was something that could be worked around. And yet there was this matured, grown-up individual who took absolute offence, choosing to weigh her friend’s disturbing state of mind and feeling absolutely awkward, against her own feeling of happiness at ‘reaching a milestone’ in her life. To ice the cake, the proof of the friendship would be her presence at the get-together, swallowing the uncomfortable feeling of being treated like someone the cat brought it, with the one-liner: they do not matter–I do!
The nurturing of a relationship depends on the acceptance level of both the parties, in allowing space in the relationship. I hope this little girl maintains this respect in all her future relationships: after all what else is there in a relationship if respect for the other person is missing, if the hurt of the other is not validated?
Mohana narayananan
March,2009
Scene Two: It was her good friend’s fiftieth birthday. She was uncomfortable attending the party, as her friend’s family treated her like a pariah, and she no longer felt tolerant enough to accept this unwarranted treatment. She gave her honest reasons for not wanting to attend, expecting her friend to understand the indignity she suffered every time, and asked her to attend a party she wanted to throw for her at her place. The friend took first-hand offence! She was accused the mother of being self-centered, of not respecting her best friend’s wishes, of ‘punishing’ her for all the past misdeeds that had happened in the relationship! She was asked for proof of the relationship: attend the party…. So that I do not have my family gloating over your absence! She offered to clarify this issue with her family later (after being pushed to a corner? When she had not done it all this while??)
Whether she attended the party, or whether the daughter’s friends came over, is not the issue here. What comes to mind is the start difference in the attitude of respect of boundary and validation of feelings in the relationship. Here was a teenager, who chose to respect, albeit her disappointment, her friend’s decision not to attend an important day in her life, even though the reason given was something that could be worked around. And yet there was this matured, grown-up individual who took absolute offence, choosing to weigh her friend’s disturbing state of mind and feeling absolutely awkward, against her own feeling of happiness at ‘reaching a milestone’ in her life. To ice the cake, the proof of the friendship would be her presence at the get-together, swallowing the uncomfortable feeling of being treated like someone the cat brought it, with the one-liner: they do not matter–I do!
The nurturing of a relationship depends on the acceptance level of both the parties, in allowing space in the relationship. I hope this little girl maintains this respect in all her future relationships: after all what else is there in a relationship if respect for the other person is missing, if the hurt of the other is not validated?
Mohana narayananan
March,2009
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Rewind and delete...
Certain moments in your life
Certain phases – certain pauses
Need to be wrung out of your existence
Like water off a wet sponge…
Like unwanted letters and old calendars.
Otherwise,
They would corrode your tomorrows.
Of what use are bitter rememberances –
Except – a punching bag
For newer circumstances.
Mohana Narayanan
Certain phases – certain pauses
Need to be wrung out of your existence
Like water off a wet sponge…
Like unwanted letters and old calendars.
Otherwise,
They would corrode your tomorrows.
Of what use are bitter rememberances –
Except – a punching bag
For newer circumstances.
Mohana Narayanan
The untitled creation
“Write”, said the mother
“Create”, said the tutor
“Produce”, said all the genii.
You are full of potential.
You need to justify your existence.
You have to leave your mark on the sands of time.
The casualty was pushed against the wall
He did not have a choice -
The choice to think, create and outpour.
Like an automaton, he reached for the implements—
For the paper and the pen
For the chisel and the hammer
For the canvas and the riot of colours
To give form to his thoughts – or so he thought.
When he sat down to act, he was frozen, cold and solid.
The poet, the sculptor and the painter in him
Was dead.
“Create”, said the tutor
“Produce”, said all the genii.
You are full of potential.
You need to justify your existence.
You have to leave your mark on the sands of time.
The casualty was pushed against the wall
He did not have a choice -
The choice to think, create and outpour.
Like an automaton, he reached for the implements—
For the paper and the pen
For the chisel and the hammer
For the canvas and the riot of colours
To give form to his thoughts – or so he thought.
When he sat down to act, he was frozen, cold and solid.
The poet, the sculptor and the painter in him
Was dead.
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