children: your joy or challenges?

The boy with his mother and grandfather shot across the road at the signal lights, hoping to catch the light before it turned green. Halfway through the road, the boy slipped and fell, and the grandfather who was following them, picked the boy up like a rag and slapped him tightly across his cheek. The screaming boy was dragged along by the mother. After reaching the end of the road, the boy sat down mutinously, refusing to move, and continued bawling.

The lights turned green and spurred by the honking traffic, I moved ahead. But the boy’s sorrowful face kept dancing in front of my eyes. Here was a boy who was hurt; and the grandfather, in his anxiety to cross the road, and perhaps for the boy’s safety, gave in to his anger and vented it out on the already hurt boy. Was the boy at fault? Did he fall on purpose? For that matter, were the elders doing the right thing, darting across the road like that?

Children have a reason for their actions and their thoughts; and these reasons spring from their little minds’ logic, which is just based on their feelings. If the feelings are negative, their actions show it, and vice versa.

Rudolf Dreikers, a social psychologist and an authority on handling children and their behaviour, is of the opinion that there is an underlying cause for the child’s misbehaviour, and has firm faith in a child’s rationality. However, if the child’s behaviour is based on misplaced goals, adults need to intervene. He lists out four reasons for a child’s misbehaviour:

Attention Getting: If a child cannot get attention for their positive behaviours, they will seek it with inappropriate behaviours. If your reaction is feeling annoyed or irritated, then this is the child’s goal.

Power and control: This is normally indulged in by children who feel inferior. Once the behaviour is repeated and catches the adults’ attention, the defiant behaviour escalates. This results in a power struggle. If you feel angry when your child misbehaves then power is his goal.


Revenge: This behaviour results from the thought of getting back at adults for the way they feel they have been treated (mistaken thought: unfairly). This usually happens after the first two methods for getting attention and power have failed. You will probably have feelings of hurt when revenge is your child’s goal. Do understand that the child is acting from a platform of being hurt.

Helplessness and Inadequacy: At this stage the child no longer cares what happens. The child acts passive, lethargic, rejects social control and refuses to comply or participate, and may even request to be left alone at this juncture. The adult also feels inadequate or incapable at this stage. Your feeling helplessness, escape or avoidance may be your child’s goal.

Having listed out the goals of misbehaviour, he also points out the ways by which we can handle misbehaviour effectively. Once we recognize the inner goal, we can help the child learn more appropriate goals. We need to thus understand the child’s goal by observing the behaviour in detail. We need to confront the child with the four goals. Use “Could it be questions…

Could it be that you want special attention?
Could it be that you want your own way?
Could it be that you want to hurt others as much as you are hurt by them?
Could it be that you want to be left alone?

We need to use Logical consequences, rather than reward and punishment. Logical consequences are results that a child faces when it immediately follows an action by the child.
It is a consequence that is directly linked to the action and the connection is perceived and experienced by the child.
He learns to perceive that he has a choice, and accepts the relationship of his choice to what followed (consequences).
It is different from punishment, in that the latter portrays the power of personal authority.
There is no element of moral judgment in logical consequences, and also allows a child to choose whether he wants to repeat an act, based on the consequences he experienced.

Encouragement is also vital to make the child aware that he is good and acceptable as he is, and not as he should be. We need to keep improvement in mind, not perfection.
We need to understand the difference between praise and encouragement. While praise recognizes the person, encouragement acknowledges the act.
Bringing up children is a lifetime commitment: if you decide to grow with them, there is no limit to the heights you can reach on the mountain of joy; but if it is a chore, then, the depths can be equally deep: the choice is yours...

Mohana Narayanan
January 2009

The flip and the flop!

Scene One: It was her daughter’s sixteenth birthday. It was right in the middle of her board exams, but the stress level was manageable. So she decided to host a party with a few friends. But her daughter’s best friend refused to come. The reason: she was prone to falling sick, and she did not want to take any chances. She offered to call her mother and ask that the friend be sent for just a while, but she was not allowed to. It is her decision and I need to respect it, she told her mother They have a right to decide, she told her mother.

Scene Two: It was her good friend’s fiftieth birthday. She was uncomfortable attending the party, as her friend’s family treated her like a pariah, and she no longer felt tolerant enough to accept this unwarranted treatment. She gave her honest reasons for not wanting to attend, expecting her friend to understand the indignity she suffered every time, and asked her to attend a party she wanted to throw for her at her place. The friend took first-hand offence! She was accused the mother of being self-centered, of not respecting her best friend’s wishes, of ‘punishing’ her for all the past misdeeds that had happened in the relationship! She was asked for proof of the relationship: attend the party…. So that I do not have my family gloating over your absence! She offered to clarify this issue with her family later (after being pushed to a corner? When she had not done it all this while??)

Whether she attended the party, or whether the daughter’s friends came over, is not the issue here. What comes to mind is the start difference in the attitude of respect of boundary and validation of feelings in the relationship. Here was a teenager, who chose to respect, albeit her disappointment, her friend’s decision not to attend an important day in her life, even though the reason given was something that could be worked around. And yet there was this matured, grown-up individual who took absolute offence, choosing to weigh her friend’s disturbing state of mind and feeling absolutely awkward, against her own feeling of happiness at ‘reaching a milestone’ in her life. To ice the cake, the proof of the friendship would be her presence at the get-together, swallowing the uncomfortable feeling of being treated like someone the cat brought it, with the one-liner: they do not matter–I do!

The nurturing of a relationship depends on the acceptance level of both the parties, in allowing space in the relationship. I hope this little girl maintains this respect in all her future relationships: after all what else is there in a relationship if respect for the other person is missing, if the hurt of the other is not validated?

Mohana narayananan
March,2009