Scene One: It was her daughter’s sixteenth birthday. It was right in the middle of her board exams, but the stress level was manageable. So she decided to host a party with a few friends. But her daughter’s best friend refused to come. The reason: she was prone to falling sick, and she did not want to take any chances. She offered to call her mother and ask that the friend be sent for just a while, but she was not allowed to. It is her decision and I need to respect it, she told her mother They have a right to decide, she told her mother.
Scene Two: It was her good friend’s fiftieth birthday. She was uncomfortable attending the party, as her friend’s family treated her like a pariah, and she no longer felt tolerant enough to accept this unwarranted treatment. She gave her honest reasons for not wanting to attend, expecting her friend to understand the indignity she suffered every time, and asked her to attend a party she wanted to throw for her at her place. The friend took first-hand offence! She was accused the mother of being self-centered, of not respecting her best friend’s wishes, of ‘punishing’ her for all the past misdeeds that had happened in the relationship! She was asked for proof of the relationship: attend the party…. So that I do not have my family gloating over your absence! She offered to clarify this issue with her family later (after being pushed to a corner? When she had not done it all this while??)
Whether she attended the party, or whether the daughter’s friends came over, is not the issue here. What comes to mind is the start difference in the attitude of respect of boundary and validation of feelings in the relationship. Here was a teenager, who chose to respect, albeit her disappointment, her friend’s decision not to attend an important day in her life, even though the reason given was something that could be worked around. And yet there was this matured, grown-up individual who took absolute offence, choosing to weigh her friend’s disturbing state of mind and feeling absolutely awkward, against her own feeling of happiness at ‘reaching a milestone’ in her life. To ice the cake, the proof of the friendship would be her presence at the get-together, swallowing the uncomfortable feeling of being treated like someone the cat brought it, with the one-liner: they do not matter–I do!
The nurturing of a relationship depends on the acceptance level of both the parties, in allowing space in the relationship. I hope this little girl maintains this respect in all her future relationships: after all what else is there in a relationship if respect for the other person is missing, if the hurt of the other is not validated?
Mohana narayananan
March,2009
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:)
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