Daughters- Liabilities?

Today’s headlines in a leading daily must have made every self-respecting woman indignant. At least, it rankled me no end. A Supreme Court judge names her two daughters as her liabilities! In this day and age, where girl children are proving themselves as responsible as the boys, if not better in leading an equally responsible and fulfilling lives, and when they are being considered for the highest post in a country, you have such statements coming from a person, who is supposed to be an upholder of justice! Why do we not understand that it is no longer necessary to belong to a particular gender to prove your worth and that we need not grant equality? I wonder how this particular judge would handle a case which would involve killing of a girl child. Would not her bias come in the way of her dispensing her judgment impartially? When she herself has a value system that upholds the denigration of womankind by naming them as liabilities, how can one trust her unbiased judgment?
The daughters need to stand up and fight their case here. I remember, when I was growing up, my father would introduce us three sisters as liability number 1, 2, and 3! I guess it was a regret he had, that he did not have a son; more so because he felt he fought a losing battle when it was one against four, albeit all in fun. My mother had to listen to her share of comments from his relatives, when her third daughter was born, and I remember my grandmother actually cried! To her credit, my mother was very happy! He never failed in his duties as a father though, and gave us all good education and opportunity to grow. Today, I am sure he does not think of us as liabilities, as he has gained three sons-in-law, who respect and adore him; not that the daughters didn’t! Though I am not defending my father’s way of introduction, I am willing to condone it, simply because he is a man; what galls me is that a woman, in a seat of honor, to whom the country looks up to, is publicly declaring her daughters as her liability! Can her daughters prove her wrong? Can they rise up in the echelons of society, and prove to their mother who has classified them as burdens, that they are more of an asset than all the material wealth that she has declared in her returns? That she need not spend that same wealth in ‘settling them’ in life but that once she gives up working and is dependent on her co-humans, these very same daughters would take care of her, without waiting for permissions or sanctions from their partners?
Mohana Narayanan
December 30, 2010

A person’s sense of self-worth hinges on so many things that are outside of him, that sometimes it is scary to think : if the world stops for a minute, what would happen. Everything comes crashing down suddenly and you feel so empty, and life devoid of meaning. It is then that you start thinking how important it is to live for yourself: just yourself. Being appreciated is a very basic need of every human being, after of course food, water and shelter. Man thrives on being praised for his efforts, even though the accomplishment would have given him his own sense of satisfaction. Right from a toddler, who starts recognising the words ‘very good’, whatever language it is spoken in, to adults who may preen before a mirror, and know that he or she is looking good, but would expectantly look at people around for vouching this fact: We as a race thrive on our self being appreciated. Being done so contributes to a large extent to what our self concept would be like.
On our self concept hinges our self worth, and the resultant self esteem is responsible for our level of self confidence. At the core self concept is our view of what we think our selves, what we think others think of us, and what others actually think of us. And if our core self concept is at an all-time low, naturally this will reflect on our conclusions of what we think others think of us. Convoluted? . Not really. Let us see how this works. At the core of our very being is our self-concept. It is what we think about ourselves; aspects of ourselves that we would sometimes have trouble even admitting to our own selves! This would be the realistic self concept. Now we also have what is called the ideal self concept, where we would be looking at what we would be as the perfect model. Now, if both these self concepts match to a large degree, there would be no problem. Trouble starts brewing when our ideal self concept is far removed from our realistic self concept. That is when the whole pretend game starts, and we alternate between our two selves, creating a whole range of conflicting emotions and anxiety in the process. For instance, if you have someone who is not really a successful person, but rather than analysing and accepting her own shortcomings, she would portray an external locus of control, blaming everyone and everybody around for the misfortunes, laments her ill-luck and refuses to take responsibility for her own contribution to the problem, she would be suffering from a very low self concept. Here, while her ideal self concept is, so to say ‘idealistic’ where given the right scenario, she would have been successful, she is refusing to accept the realistic self concept: of her being unable to face challenges that came her way, her not having adequate coping skills to handle problems, and within herself, fighing this dual battle of the selves, and at the same time, adopting denial as a defense mechanism.
It does take a lot of self work and introspection on bridging the gap; and it also takes a lot of honesty, to stand up to see yourself as you are, and more important, to accept yourself as you are, unconditionally, and evolve if you feel you are ready to do so!!!

Mohana Narayanan
December 26,2010

My day, my life !!

The day dawned bright and sunny, and I felt in harmony, as I got ready for the day. Countless calls came, on all the phones at home, calls that were expected, so I felt the bond was reinforced. There were also calls that were a surprise for I never knew that I mattered enough to these people for them to remember to call and wish me. It made me feel wanted, loved, and cared for. There was a song in my heart as I went to work and other than the usual job related stresses, the day was uneventful. I looked good, I felt good, and somewhere, the feeling of well-being permeated my entire self. It is such an important day, I thought, the day you choose to enter this world. You have to evolve as a person and the time and the date you choose to embark on this journey is so important. I know there are people who do not store much to their birthdays, and I remember when I was growing up, I used to yearn for people to wish me. Birthdays were not great events in my family, but as peer pressure built up, I remember how I used to make up stories about how my people celebrated my birthday! Not that my family loved me less or anything, it is just that the private logic of my family set store to the day being more religious than personal. So a visit to a temple was mandatory, and a sweet made at home, but the day being special stopped there.
For a long while after that, I would make the day important for myself. I would make sure I wore a new dress, I would treat myself to maybe a visit to the parlour, and tell myself how important I was to myself. I would go out for dinner with my family, and make sure I enjoyed myself even by resorting to clowning! But somewhere there would linger a feeling of sadness, something I was not able to put my finger to.
But today the day continued to be the perfect one. We went out for dinner, and after that we went for a drive on the beach road, even though it was raining. The bridge on a certain section was lit up, and it looked striking in the night. When I commented on how beautiful the scene looked at night, my friend promptly stopped the car, forced us all to get out in the drizzle, and we took snaps, standing on the bridge! Passers-by took us to be tourists I guess, for which local residents in their right minds would drive by on one of the arterial roads of the city they pass by day in day out, stand in the rain and click photographs?! We continued to giggle and act silly, and had a patrol vehicle stop by, to question us on our motives!!!
When I finally reached home, the day (night?) was almost over. But there a pervading sense of feeling good about the world. I was one year closer to leaving this earth, but I was so glad that I am here, and I have grown so much, evolved so much. I am grateful for each person who has touched my life for they have helped me in my journey, like we all are meant to do for each other, and even people who are not there in my life anymore, even people I no longer resonate with anymore, simply because we have grown away from each other. I am willing to let them go, without any feelings of being let down, without any feelings of bitterness, people who have perhaps been left behind in my journey of life.
Thank you!!!
Mohana Narayanan
November 22,2010

Commitment to commitment !

The very purpose of entering into a marriage is unconditional acceptance of your partner. Now, I know that is not really possible, and most of us have an agenda whereby we set about changing our partner to fit into our mould. But I have met one couple, where the dynamics are very conflicting and clear. No commitment from the wife’s side to the relationship: I need to be a daughter to my parents, I need to support them, so I would continue to work. The husband was fine with it, but little did he know that he was going to be used as an ATM for the family! Having got a job abroad, he went ahead expecting his wife to follow him along with their newborn. But she showed no signs of moving; and then finally sends a message to him, saying that she thinks it would be best if this arrangement continued, and he continues supporting her financially from his place of work! The man did not know what hit him! He would make umpteen trips to her place, loading her with jewelry, gifts, and cash, both for her and their child. But things did not change. She continued refusing to join him to start their life together, stating her family of origin as her primary commitment, though continuing to receive substantial amounts of funds from him.
Vexed, the man decided to put an end to this oscillating relationship, and give her one final chance to join him, or settle for separation. The girl agreed to come for counseling, and during the sessions, came up with insubstantial reasons for not going to live with him, none of which held water. She also tried to convey that he had not supported her financially, which the man promptly countered, but producing excel sheets of accounts! Possibly being cornered, and also contemplating that if she did not accede, she would be left holding huge debts with no verve to call her own, she finally agreed to accompany him back to the country of his residence. Both looked relieved and happy when they left my clinic.
Within a short while of her going back home, she calls him and says that her family is of the opinion that unless he undertakes to repay the huge loans that they have incurred as a family, she would not be allowed to go with him! Now, which family in their right senses would want their daughter to stay back with them and work off the loans they have incurred, staying away from her husband? Was it because of some undying sense of obligation she had towards her family? If so, what about her commitment to her marriage? Her husband? Her son? What hold did her family have over her, I wonder? The man did not know what to do. Could he not assert his right over her, saying she was his wife, and he would not go back without her? I don’t know whether there would be legal implications to what I am suggesting; but though it is true that you cannot force a person into being happy, sometimes, one does not know how to choose what is good for them. In this case, I think if this man asserts himself (which he claims he has never done these past years that he was married to her) and is able to take her with him, he is sure to assure her of a fine life with him. According to him, he has waited for her ever since he got married to her; and he is sure that it was only his commitment that saw him through. Would that very same commitment help him now too I wonder???
Mohana Narayanan
November 18, 2010

Joint venture conflicts

We tend to view partnership as a one-sided contract, especially the type marital contracts are made of. The moment a relationship is formalized, the relationship dynamics change in most marriages. The stereotypical male would want the wife to fit into a perfect round hole that he has in his mind, cutting off the sides of the squares, so to speak. More often than not, he would see his mother in his wife, and the female partner sub-consciously would look for the man to fit into the mental picture she has of her partner, matching qualities of her father. This expectancy may set in either in the early days of the marriage, or much later, depending on the tolerance level of either of the partners. On the grounds of being ‘tolerant’, one man would continue to indulge his wife in maintaining her identity and going against the established tenets of his family background, till she is fully convinced that her husband is okay with her being what she is. Then overnight, he would pull the rug under her feet, and have a tirade of accusations against her; she has not followed family traditions, she is being disrespectful, she is not being religious etc. etc. The girl would not know when this about turn occurred; when he was okay with her behavior just a few days back, the very same behavior becomes a major point of conflict between them, and ultimatums are flung at her.
I am not saying the girl would have been on her best code of behavior. There would have been a lot of power struggle, and attention seeking acts. But rather than handling it on a one-on-one basis, the husband has chosen to be permissive, and has swallowed what he would have actually wanted to do, simply for the sake of temporary peace, or for avoiding conflicts. Now suddenly for no major reason, he wants an out. He has been going through a lot for the past few years, and his patience has now reached rock bottom, he claims. It is amusing, to say the least, that when his cup of patience runs dry, that is the time when he decides the relationship needs a serious looking into, perhaps even end it, for there is nothing in it for him. What gives him the right to call the shots? The girl is still reeling under the shock of the fact that the entire past marriage has been a sham, and all his so-called ‘allowance’ and indulgence and acceptance of her non-conservative behavior has been all a pretence. He may think that under this train of thought, she may buckle and sign on the dotted line, perhaps even wear the badge of divorcee on her sleeve, being the non-conformist that she is! But here ironically, the joke was on him… She believed in the age-old institution of marriage, and refused to even consider a parting of ways. He threaten to throw her out of the house; he demanded his parents stay out of the whole picture; he warned her that if she contests, then she will have to wash dirty linen in public (how come the dirty linen is only the girl’s not the boy’s, considering the marriage of both is breaking up?).
The girl refused to give in. After the initial distress she has gathered all her resources, her inner strength, and has dug her heels in. Her only grouse has been, if only he had been more honest in the past, though she would have initially found it difficult to adhere to the norms of the family, she would have settled in after the initial conflict, and inner turbulence. But this two-faced turnabout is something she says will take some time to sink in!
The last I knew the battle was still on; the threats were coming hard and fast; but she was no longer crying and weeping and pleading. She is trying to change herself, albeit slowly, and is firmly committed to her role as a mother and wife, the latter if he allows. But to be the mother, she does not need his permission. Kudos to womanhood, and a bow to her tremendous strength and will! I know she will come through this a change woman, and the superficial change of appearance is not the only change I am talking about.

Parenting matters!

I have repeated this fact so many times to my clients that I sound like a stuck record: parenting is not offered as a degree of education; it is a lifetime on the job training. I have also said that there are no good or bad parents, or good or bad off-springs. But in spite of it all, I come across absolutely resistant parents, who insist on believing that there is something seriously wrong in the way their child behaves, and go on this blame game and labeling trip, which only antagonizes the child further. They have done all they could for their child; they have given the child whatever he or she wanted; they only wanted them to be ‘good’ in return! Yet their children turn out to be incarnation of the devils, the way they go on about the so-called misbehavior of their children.
Take the case of this set of parents, who, according to them have given the child the best of everything: and they fail to understand why the child is refusing to go to school. The fact of attending school is treated by he child as a carrot for manipulating the parents! He demands the latest computer gizmo, or a night out, failing which he would threaten to bunk school till his demands are met! And the parents have this attitude of having sired an ungrateful child, who is not able to appreciate all they have done for their child.
Can we please understand here, that satisfying every want of a child without understanding whether it is a want or a need, creates a child who turns out with the world owes me syndrome? The child would expect the sun to stop if he wants to, simply because the first adults in his life did not teach him the concept of refusal of a demand, and how to handle rejection and unmet needs. The parents think that gratitude in a child would create a child of their dreams; on the contrary, they haven’t even allowed the child to appreciate what he or she would get, for the simple reason that they jump up to fulfill all that the child asks for, let alone experience gratitude. Not allowing a child to take age-related decisions, doing everything for a child, so that he can ‘enjoy life’, not letting him face consequences of his behavior, and then finally presenting the child as a ogre they wonder who created, is a lot of work for a counselor! Can we please understand that denying a child his demand does not convey your lack of love, as much as fulfilling his every whim does not prove the extent of it!

Mohana Narayanan
November 17,2010

Roller coaster rides

Roller coaster rides
I wonder why people deliberately choose to go on a roller coaster! If you ask me, life offers enough roller coaster rides! I wish I could go on a passenger train, which chugs along at a steady, sedentary speed, stops at every station where you have sleepy porters and little urchins running after you for a tip or leftover food. Instead, here I am travelling at breakneck speed, alert 24x7, as I am the person behind the steering wheel of a fast-moving locomotive, which is shooting through a dark tunnel, which never seems to end and also, one is not really sure what is actually there at the end of the tunnel!
I have been on this journey for almost seven years now, when my family started to go through turbulent times. The turbulence would rock me time and again and I would swim against the tide, gasp when I seemed to go underwater, but surface again, refusing to give in. Each time however, the currents came on stronger and stronger and each time, I would think it was the last time before I would go under.
It is not that I claim to be a very strong person or anything. Just that resilience does come to me naturally and I am a fighter. But of late, I have found the fighting spirit giving way to acceptance. Is that what it is all about I wonder? That I need to accept that these squalls as part of my life and understand that I am attracting the contraindicative factors in my life because I am a seasoned fighter? If that is so, then I also need to know whether it is okay not to fight, so that I do no attract this energy anymore.
I need to understand perhaps that even though I feel I am running standing in the same place, I need to refuse to entertain doubt. I need to tell myself that this too shall pass, and that there would come a day when I would not be getting up, wondering what news the day has in store for me; whether I am going to sail through, or sink…
Mohana narayanan
August 9, 2010

METAMORPHOSIS

METAMORPHOSIS

When some things shatter, there is no noise; but the silence is deafening. Relationships fall into this kind of breaks. When parameters change, when tracks are shifted, when perceptions start to differ, the feeling of discomfort is intense; it is as if you are going through a medical procedure where your insides are revamped, and you undergo a transfusion. The pain is sometimes unbearable, no amount of anesthetics seem to help. But then the knowledge that you will be better off for all the pain perhaps pulls you through the agony!
Why do we revolt so much? Why don’t we realize that it is because we are resisting so much that the pain persists. If we go along with the flow, things will no longer seem to be the end of the world. We need to accept the fact that we outgrow relationships, we change the way we think, and most important of all issues, we decide to take responsibility to choose to get hurt and not blame the rest of the world for treating us like dirt.
There is also another angle to the whole issue; the way one asserts his or her rights on the other person. What gives us the authority to encroach the space of another individual I wonder? Why is this message so difficult to understand for some people, that you need to understand the basic dynamics of the association, and the nuances of change that it undergoes? While the concept of soul mates is all fine and Richard Bach makes good reading, I don’t think it is a possible reality. How can two people grow at the same pace, and think the same thoughts? So when the differences start to matter, one individual goes on this rampage, accusing the other of defiling the relationship, instead of understanding and accepting that people undergo transformation, and they need to let go of superficial similarities, to work on deeper underlying issues. Nothing comes of all this except anguish and intense feelings of discord.
It takes a while for things to settle down; and during this process, more evolution happens. Unfortunately, this advancement only succeeds in widening the chasm even more, with one of the partner growing with this insight, and the other nursing bitterness and feelings of dissent. I wish this did not end this way, but who says anything lasts forever??
Mohana Narayanan
November 1,2010

Free Way

In any association, we need to understand how important it is to have respect. When I say respect, it does not mean respect on the basis of age, or qualifications of positions in social or professional life. Respect here would stand for giving space for the survival of the other person’s individuality, accepting that there could be a counterpoint, without running down the other person’s preferences and choices. While the person whose preferences could be made fun of in a gentle manner, it would not really require one to study rocket science to decipher the derision behind such comments, if any. It would also boil down to plain inequality in the relationship.
I know an acquaintance of mine, who undergoes this pain time and again at the hands of her close friend. She likes a particular screen hero, and the friend likes someone else. The latter downright runs down her friend’s preferences, calling this hero the choicest of names, and almost succeeding in provoking my friend to defend her choice of hero. Fortunately, my friend has better sense than spoil a couple of good hours spent together, arguing about someone who is not even know to her personally, and she deftly changes the topic without getting deeper into the controversy.
The point to contemplate here is not about who wins the argument. I wonder why there is no respect in the relationship here. It is of course not mandatory that the friend shares the opinion; but why go out of the way to run down someone whom her close friend likes? I mean, my friend told me that the dislike is so strong that the opinion expressed is full of criticism, and in spite of the good work done by the actor, this friend of her has deliberately avoided all movies in which this person has acted, though they have gained worldwide recognition and awards.
I would expect a lesser rigid stance, especially if it is about tolerating someone or something that my close friend would feel so strongly about. After all, isn’t life all about standing by to let someone pass, or giving way on a highway?
Mohana Narayanan
November 4,2010

The old order changeth... or need it???

The festival of lights came and went. It lit up some relationships; it pushed some into an abyss of darkness. The spirit of joy was dampened by some incidents that left its indelible mark on the way I was greeted by some of the people I visited. I thought it is said that this festival is one where you decide to make new beginnings. I wonder whether new beginnings are possible without ending old issues; I guess not. But then I was reminded of what one friend said to me once: I read three or four books simultaneously, she said, when I asked her when I could borrow one particular book. I think that is what relationships are also about. We may have issues that have not been resolved between us, issues which may bring in pain and hurts. But that does not mean you deride the whole person do you? Is it not possible to isolate the incident from the person, to separate the deed from the doer, the behavior from the individual? The bitterness that you demonstrate when you greet is so galling, that it gives rise to further conflicts in the future. The chasm grows so much wider that at some point, the other person is so far away that the depth of the chasm is wider than the depth of the relationship. Time dulls the hurt, and then you learn to get on with life. When you have a new beginnings, the past pages of an unfinished book does not matter I guess. You choose to script the ending.
Strangely I happened to bump into another friend of mine, who, for no known reason had sent me a curt mail some months back and requested me to stop writing to her as she was very busy. It was ironic that she was busy with work that I had trained her in, but after the first couple of hours, I was happy for her. I did not allow this unresolved conflict to surface when I bumped into her today. I could see she was kind of embarrassed and did not really know how to react. But I had buried old hatchets: there was nothing left to bury actually, and I could sense no discomfort in our meeting: at least on my side. And I could see that she could relax after the first couple of minutes, and we actually conversed decently before I said goodbye.
I guess perception on human relationships vary. But hurts are like festering wounds which may reopen any time, unless we realign our belief system about relationships and learn to ring in the new, even if we do not ring out the old.

The power of trouble!

God made woman to be strong internally. And he made sure he would keep testing this strength time and again, with each blow her becoming stronger and resilient. When I spoke to my clients today (strangely all of them belonged to the ‘weaker sex’), I got the impression that but for women, troubles would bolt from the face of this earth! I mean, they are found to be balancing relationships, work and personal lives, turbulent adolescent childhood of their off-springs, and to top it all, they also surface with unfulfilled desires which have been given a cold shelf in their lives simply because they are no longer important.
Where does she get this resilient nature from? Is it from her biological leanings of taking care, nurturing instincts? Or is it primarily a need to be needed that is being met? And how does she know that she is not really the problem-solver, only a prop to support the person who is feeling down and out? And howmuch ever she is going through, the moment she finds she is needed, she is able to put her own baggage aside and be available to the one with the greater need…
Being a practicing counselor, the primary demand on me is to be a listener. Today was a particularly taxing day, with very low energy levels, and a whole lot of issues that I was grappling with. I think I also looked loaded, because not one I met at my workplace passed me without commenting on how low and burdened I looked. I tried to make light of it, blaming it on the unloading that was happening and that was natural in my profession, but I knew I failed to pull wool over their eyes. It showed; it showed that I was reaching the end of my tether and I needed respite. But somehow, when I reached my room and sat at my table, and I started my appointments, I realized I could disconnect from myself and attend to the emotional unburdening of my clients. In my profession particularly, it is so important that we are unbiased, and in a calm frame of mind, to prevent subjectivity entering our conclusions. If we are at war with the world, how would we sound convincing when we talk to our clients? And there I was able to do justice to my profession, but I feel it was more because I was a woman, than the fact that I was a counselor. The woman in me, who reaches out the one in pain, in suffering, and who wants to say: I understand your pain; I empathise with whatever you are going through.
I am not in any position different from what I was in the morning; but I feel more in control of myself. I feel strengthened, when I saw the strength pouring out and being received gratefully. I also do not know whether my clients felt empowered, but I felt more in command of myself when I walked out of my consulting room…
Mohana Narayanan
August 11,2010

Roller coaster rides!

Roller coaster rides
I wonder why people deliberately choose to go on a roller coaster! If you ask me, life offers enough roller coaster rides! I wish I could go on a passenger train, which chugs along at a steady, sedentary speed, stops at every station where you have sleepy porters and little urchins running after you for a tip or leftover food. Instead, here I am travelling at breakneck speed, alert 24x7, as I am the person behind the steering wheel of a fast-moving locomotive, which is shooting through a dark tunnel, which never seems to end and also, one is not really sure what is actually there at the end of the tunnel!
I have been on this journey for almost seven years now, when my family started to go through turbulent times. The turbulence would rock me time and again and I would swim against the tide, gasp when I seemed to go underwater, but surface again, refusing to give in. Each time however, the currents came on stronger and stronger and each time, I would think it was the last time before I would go under.
It is not that I claim to be a very strong person or anything. Just that resilience does come to me naturally and I am a fighter. But of late, I have found the fighting spirit giving way to acceptance. Is that what it is all about I wonder? That I need to accept that these squalls as part of my life and understand that I am attracting the contraindicative factors in my life because I am a seasoned fighter? If that is so, then I also need to know whether it is okay not to fight, so that I do no attract this energy anymore.
I need to understand perhaps that even though I feel I am running standing in the same place, I need to refuse to entertain doubt. I need to tell myself that this too shall pass, and that there would come a day when I would not be getting up, wondering what news the day has in store for me; whether I am going to sail through, or sink…
Mohana narayanan
August 9, 2010

The innate good nature of man...

I was leaving on my yearly holiday and was flying to Delhi. I prefer to take the train when on holidays, for I find it gives me more time to relax, read, listen to music and generally chill out. But time constraint forced me to take the flight, and during the security check, when I passed my hand bag through the x-ray machine, I discovered that I had not removed the Swiss knife that I generally carry with me on travel.
They removed the knife and asked me to proceed, but I wanted to know if there was any way I could carry the knife with me. It was wrong, I know to make such an unreasonable demand, but I was in love with that knife; it held very sentimental memories. There was no way I could put it in my baggage as I had already checked it in. My family stood about ten feet away from me, embarrassed by my pleadings! Finally, one of the officers offered to retain it with him, and said I could try and collect it from him on our return trip, a week later. I was skeptical but I left the knife with my identity details, and took his phone number. He said I could call him when I was coming back, and if he happened to be on duty, I could collect it from him.
As luck could have it, he was not on duty; calls to his mobile went unanswered. I came to the natural human conclusion: well, he has got a free swiss knife for himself!
I was then pleasantly surprised, when a week later, he called me and apologized for not returning my call, as he had been called away on a training programme and he had to leave suddenly. Before I could say anything else, he asked me to message my address, saying he would deliver it to my residence. Even though I gave my address, some corner of my mind was still skeptical; but promptly an hour later, my phone rang; I am waiting outside your apartment: could you come and collect your Swiss knife, he said.
He returned the knife, refused my offer of even a cup of tea saying he had to report for duty. He touched my life for a brief period of time, maybe just to give me a message to continue trusting people: all are not of the same mould. That there are people like him, Rawat (yes that was his name, and he belonged to the CISF) who restore faith in the innate goodness of man.
Like T N Seshan said, I do not want to be honored with a medal for honesty and integrity; these are basic human qualities, and one should practice them as one does practice breathing: naturally. Yes, but I am thankful to this anonymous friend of mine, who, through a simple deed restored my faith in the principle that Carl Rogers advocated: Man is inherently good by nature.
Mohana Narayanan

The tolerant world

What is it with people who think that they are doing you the greatest of favours, if they somehow prove that they have been handling a very ‘difficult’ person (in you) and that because of that, you are supposed to be eternally grateful to them because of that? I know, for example, this person, who is a very self-made woman. She is very assertive, and it takes a lot of her to not let somebody see that she tolerates breaking of certain basic values by other people. What other people would call as ‘social’ behaviour and etiquette would come with great difficulty for her. Not that she was rude or arrogant or any such thing. It is just that she comes across as exuding power, with a no-nonsense attitude, and is very assertive; and if there is one thing she is not able to forgive, it is charade. No wonder, she finds it so difficult to live amongst the social beings of today! She is gregarious by nature, very helpful, very empathetic, and also very social and fun-loving. Couple this with people’s opinion of her as a ‘difficult’ personality, who cannot tolerate people taking her for a ride, when people try to two-time her, when she is asked to bend backwards and ignore pretenses in society and relationships. Her forthrightness is mistaken for being insensitive. Her assertive, no-nonsense attitude is taken for arrogance. You sure have a split personality in the making I think!
The sad part is, it was okay if the whole world thought of her this way. But people who formed the inner core of her social circle make remarks of how grateful she should be because she has such ‘understanding’ people as her friends, who tolerate her.
If one has to think about how grateful one needs to be to people in his life, simply because he is being ‘tolerated,’ then that does not speak very well for the depth of the relationship isn’t it? So, do all relationships exist and survive only on forbearance? Or isn’t acceptance a more stable ground to base the relationship on? In such cases, there is no feeling of gratitude for being tolerated; you are simply accepted as you are with all your fun and faults, without being burdened by the knowledge that much as you are liked, loved and appreciated, there is still that thin line which stops people from loving you completely, without criticizing you behind your back, or maybe attempt to change you subtly. It is very difficult, I know to reach that state in a relationship. If one has, do let me know???
Mohana narayanan
July 4, 2010

Pulling up others' socks

I now know what Sashi Tharoor and the like felt like, when they expressed their views on their blogs. Blogging is a breakthrough medium for the likes of people, who have seen countless rejection slips from publications, simply because what they want to say does not agree with the principle of the publication. One is welcome to access the blog, or simply behave as if it does not exist. But when you do voluntarily reach out to read material in a space which belongs to one single individual, where he or she can voice the opinion they have, I do not think any sane person would think it is an aspersion on their lives!
What I write on my blog are unedited expressions of my impressions of my daily living. And the nature of my profession is such that I go through a variety of intense human emotions through the clients whom I meet anger; anxiety, depression, very low frustration tolerance, and sometimes even denial of the existence of a problem. These are issues which subsist along the spectrum of human relationships and professional though I am in my approach, sometimes when I feel the situation could have been either handled more effectively, (Check out my article: do you have balance) or perhaps avoided altogether, my helplessness shows: not to the people who come in for counseling, but in my outpouring on my blog.
But then, how do you respond to hate mails, generated when someone reads what is written on my blog, decide they are the self-styled moral diagnostic experts of people and conclude that what is written on the blog is the result of a demented, frustrated person, who perhaps may require medical intervention?
What do you think about folks who refuse to accept and admit there are flaws in every social system, and are raving and ranting about it? Playing the blame game only reflects the style of functioning of the person, instead of appraising the situation and doing some out-of-the-box thinking. Just as there have been clients who have been riled because truths hit them, and even though they go ahead and take the steps recommended (as this particular person did, and benefitted from it) they still choose to hide behind a mask, there also have been clients who are profoundly grateful for having been helped in choosing the right track. Unfortunately, they do not visit my blog I think! And I need to thank people who, even through such hate mails invite the mass of humanity to hit my blog!
Is it because my writings touch a raw spot I wonder? And who likes to connect with perhaps the truth of one’s soul? How many of us are able to confront reality and admit that life needs to be reworked? No, no; it is so much easier to blame the other and live in a cosy delusion that someone else needs to pull up socks, not themselves; even though they are wearing them!

Mohana Narayanan
June 21, 2010

Respect: To command or demand

As a counsellor, I am fortunate (?) to experience a varied gamut of human relationships through the cases that come to me for therapy.
One such case was that of a young adolescent boy, who was referred to me for academics, as well as behavioural issues. On meeting the boy, he seemed compliant enough for the questions and answered them willingly, but I could sense intense rage within him. On probing, I found that his primary anger was directed against his mother. Reason? She insults him in front of his uncle and the servant! The mother looked surprised that this was a topic of dissent with the boy. Her logic was that if he is scolded in front of someone else, then he would learn to behave better. When I asked her what her expectations were she had only one thing to say: I want him to respect elders.
I found her need to be very amusing… considering she was using humiliation as a tool to discipline her son.
Everybody has this need in them to be respected, whether young or old. How could the mother expect the child to develop a sense of respect and reverence, when everytime she would deride and belittle him not only in the privacy of their home but also in public? It is, according to me, the lowest form of disciplining tactics, which would have the person at the receiving end seething inside with humiliation. I remember, when I was working in a publication firm, we would have this monthly meetings, which were called “Hall of Shame”. The names of all those editors who had not met their targets would be written on the board, and they would be asked for detailed feedbacks and explanations. This could also be done in the cabins of the senior professionals, but I think they all got a perverse pleasure, seeing them squirm in front of an audience. What irreparable damage was being done to the psyche of the person, I dread to think. A personal memo calling the person filthy names is so much better than this public flogging.
Coming back to the case, when I started handling the issues with the mother, I could understand where she was coming from. She was a perfectionist, and theirs was the most passive marriage I have ever seen! When asked if she expected others to respect her as a person and her opinions, she wanted to know what I was talking about! For the husband, she was just a wife; one who took care of his physical and biological needs. He could not describe the person that she was: her identity was that she was his wife. She was labelled a bad mother because her son did not behave ‘properly’. So to get social approval she was being punitive with the son. Her life revolved on social approvals. She could no longer establish her own identity, and establishing the importance of being herself became the focus of counselling. She was gradually able to understand that you do not demand respect; you command it. And you can only teach how to respect if you practise it. The point took a while to sink in; but when she was able to withdraw from the controlling relationship, and also refused to take responsibility for her son’s misbehaviour, and refuse to accept the label of being a ‘bad mother’ simply because he misbehaved, things started turning around. When people around realised that she was not accepting the blame for his behaviour, they started handling the boy differently; and he too, in subsequent sessions was able to understand the scenario.
Sessions are still on; the husband continues to be passive, though he is beginning to think there is more to a marriage than just staying together, and is slowly willing to enrich the relationship.
It is not ‘all is well’ as yet…. But I hope it would be.
Mohana Narayanan

Do you have balance?

Do you have balance?
I overheard my daughter talking on the phone to her friend, asking her: “Do you have balance?” For a moment, technologically challenged that I am, I wondered whether she had lost it! I mean, imagine asking someone if the person had balance, casting aspertions on the person’s sanity! Of course, a moment later, I realised that the comment was actually meant as a concern for the friend’s account balance in her pre-paid mobile card.
My thoughts, as usual, went off on a tangent. I wish our human relationships also worked as effectively. I mean, there are so many situations created simply because things that should never be uttered are spoken in a fit of anger or in a hot temper, which result in a downward spiral of the relationship. I wish there was some method by which the ‘balance’ of words expire before things reach a cresendo, as there is more damage done sometimes, when one person claims he or she has ‘only been frank’!
When i handle conflicts, as a counsellor I see scope for a lot of situations where damage control could have been done, simply by silence. But then we do not have a built in cut-off mechanism, which could say, balance is over, please recharge! Yes, we could use our inner reserves of sanity and avoid unpleasantness when we find things getting out of hand, but then it is hardly to be expected of a spouse who has been harbouring a lot of unresolved issues, till the situation reaches a pressure cooker situation and the lid is blown off! When you have the other party also offering concern about the ‘balance’ (literally and figuratively!), then this too shows that the receiver is able to understand where the partner is coming from….
Maybe it is in such times, that you wish the battery is also low in the phone!!!
Mohana Narayanan

Killer instincts: Love thy neighbour?

We talk about green environment,and people growing practically the entire vegetable needs of their family on their terrace, and thus being environmental friendly. I too am an avid gardener, but time and space constraints do not permit me to indulge in the hobby for longer periods of time. However, I do have some crotons in the foyer of my apartment, with a terra cotta idol of Lord Krishna who acts as my security guard! All the visitors comment on the aesthetic look of the frontage of my apartment, and the greenery is certainly cooling to the eyes.
Nevertheless, there are some killjoys for every situation; I get a notice from the secretary of the society saying that the inmates are not allowed to keep plants in the ‘common area’. I know for a fact, and i have the people who are staying above my apartment vouch for it, that the plants are not at all in the way of their movement. What other reason could there be i wonder, to pronounce such a ‘law’ if it is not to make sure that i do not enjoy the sight of greenery when i open the front door of my flat? And neither do people who visit my apartment?
When i removed one of the pots on a ledge outside my balcony, which had been a hiding place for a pair of pigeons nesting, i discovered two eggs in the nest. I had in fact placed the pot on this ledge, only so that the pigeons could feel safe from the prying crows, waiting to grab the eggs. Many a times i have sat on the balcony, watching these pigeons look at me, wondering if i was a friend or foe. Just when he had his doubts cleared and confidently sat there even when i opened the window to water the plant, I betrayed his trust and removed the pot from there! By the time i returned after placing the pot, i found the crow and flown away with one of the eggs!
I wonder how the society would react, if i question the fact that the people staying on the ground floor have potted plants in the common area? Or that this very person, who has sent the notice, has plants belonging to his wife, on the terrace?
Here we are, talking about planting ten saplings for every tree felled, trying to make the world a greener place to live in, and making sure that the generations to come do not have to look at plants and animals only in picture books. Yet your very neighbour thwarts all your attempts to do your mite to make the world a better place to live in, simply because they have some personal grouse against you which they do not have the temerity to confront you with or talk it out. So they decide to attack the mute plants and the helpless birds which had found haven and a safe place with these plants. How self-centered, and how manipulative can a man get?

Mohana Narayanan

Power struggle!

Getting out from the departmental store with my shopping bag, i was loading them in my car when i noticed a motorbike parked nearby. A crow was sitting on the petrol tank of the bike, and with a surreptitious look around, he delved into a pouch that was fixed on the bike and pulled out a goodie; a pistachio shell!. He looked around again, noticed another crow nearby, and quickly put the nutshell back again and nonchalantly started to look elsewhere. I am almost sure he also caught my eye!. With another look at the other crow, he seemed to be debating what to do, and then decided to carry the war right into the enemy camp. He flew to the place the other crow was sitting, and chased it away. The poor chap did not know what was happening and with a furious caw, flew away, probably cursing the chaser but deciding to leave the battle scene!.
I did not stop to see whether the crow came back for the nut shell (ironic isn’t it, all this was for not even the nut, just the shell!), but was thinking about how we humans and crows are so similar in our interpersonal relationships. I have seen this happening so often in the corporate jungle. People vie with each other for positions and power, and very often than not, the rules of the game are not followed; if they at all are, they are conveniently bent to suit the needs of the few who know how to win. The winning is all that matters. So these games are played out, in board rooms, in conferences, at meetings, and in cabins behind closed doors. The chase is subtle but it is persuasive. The victim either decides, like the crow in our story, to leave the scene but carries with it anger and resentment and even feelings of being victimised and being a scapegoat. Or he decides to give it a fight, and then the real battle ensues.
These feelings, if not handled constructively, become the emotional baggage that the person carries; and this feeling of having lost out may permeate into his other areas of living, sometimes making relationships also very dysfunctional. See the whirlpool effect?
I think it all boils down to fighting right: even in personal relationships. Squirrels have to bury food: so they do. But it is not seen as ‘hiding’ it away. It is acting in character to its species. But on second thoughts, i think the crow also acted in its nature? Don’t they say crows are supposed to thieve?? But do we humans act in our true nature? Are we not essentially supposed to be ‘good’ ? Then why do we deliberately push down, degrade other fellow beings, all for money, power, position? If we let go of the need for greed for power and control, i think a lot of our interpersonal conflicts can also resolve itself. Most of them start with power struggle: If the need for being in control: of others, not of self, is examined, and saturated not by controlling another human being, but by renouncing the need by itself, then i am sure life would be so much more fulfilling.
Mohana Narayanan

Changing tides

I had gone in for a book launch function, where parts of the book were read out by someone other than the author. After the reading was over and when the floor was thrown open for discussions, the lady who had done the reading had a question: Would the author consider writing a book on divorce? (The current book was on marriage) The question was fair enough: but what followed set me thinking…” It is not as if I do not believe in marriage; though I am a divorcee”, she declared.
Her question was perfectly acceptable; what stood out like a sore thumb was an unnecessary declaration of her marital status. I started wondering whether the fact that you are a divorcee today is a reflection of your mental strength! I mean, there was a time when there was stigma attached to you being a divorcee; it was a fate worse than being a widow! The social stigma was irreparable and a woman was scarred mentally and emotionally, for life. But today I think the scenario has changed. A woman is no longer blaming herself for a marriage gone wrong; she is willing to walk out on a relationship where she feels there is nothing coming for her, where there is nothing but compromises and where she does not feel respect and recognized. She has no qualms about declaring it in an open forum, even when the situation does not warrant it!
I have mixed messages regarding this stand. On one hand this apparent strength of a woman helps her cope with what probably would otherwise be a very traumatic event in her life. But when strength borders on defiance, I think it is time for a woman to do a reality check. Are we talking about the triumph of respect, dignity of a woman and her willingness to walk out of a failed relationship, or are we appreciating the defiant stand that she may be in danger of taking, simply because she is laying down terms in a relationship? There are no blanket rules, for the simple reason, each marriage is different. What concerns me though is the current trend of the issues over which divorce is being sought, which somehow makes me feel that the institution of marriage is being tossed around like a ship without a rudder. The casual nature of a marriage ending in a divorce is making me feel very uncomfortable.
Marriage needs to be worked at. A relationship that enters your life after almost one-third of it is over, definitely needs more care and nurturing. It is not a natural relationship: whether it be a love marriage, or an arranged one. The lessons need to be learnt what would otherwise come naturally with people you grow up with. One needs to learn how to play more roles, discharge more responsibilities. The bonding is to be brought about consciously and perhaps even very formally.
But I think the very fact that partners think things should fall in place right from day one of the marriage, lays weak foundations. This expectation escalates into strong opinions where unresolved conflicts assume gigantic proportions. It somehow becomes too much of an effort to accommodate someone else into your life; and it becomes too much of an effort to try and become someone you are not. When thus an option is available which is not very difficult to opt for, then why not take it? I think this also is a question of which came first: the chicken or the egg? Is divorce as an option being considered because it is easier to obtain, and also the stigma is not so great today, or is it the other way around?
Mohana Narayanan
June 15,2010

I heard you!!!

I HEARD YOU!

The other day, I went with my family for a music concert. The hall was not very big, and we had reached pretty much in time. We went in and found one row of empty seats, starting from the aisle. As I was about to sit down on the aisle seat, someone sitting behind pointed out that the seat was broken. Thanking him, I moved further and we settled down.
During the first half of the concert, I diligently took over the duty of the person who had warned me of the broken seat, and everytime someone would start to lower himself or herself on the seat, I would repeat the refrain: “excuse me, the seat is broken”. They would thank me and move on. One gentleman however, took objection to my telling him not to take the seat, presuming that I had reserved the place for someone and glaring at me said: “But there are seats further down the row right? Why can’t you ask them to sit there?” Before I could explain further, he walked away, muttering to himself about uncivilized audience! For a minute I was affronted, then humor took over and I could not help being amused! Well, he actually did not even listen to what I was saying right? He was somehow preprogrammed to the fact that I did not want him to sit there, as I had ‘reserved the seats’.
How often we tend to do this in various other situations too. We foresee an answer to some situation from someone, and we are already framing our response to the situation, without giving a thought to what is being actually being said… In other words, we are not listening; we are only busy preparing our counter to the response. And then it goes on... and the miscommunication then assumes gigantic proportions.
There is this game that I am reminded of, wherein you are supposed to give answer to a series of questions. What makes the game a test on your listening skills is, your answer should be not to the current question, but to the one asked just before. So, you need to listen to this question carefully, in addition to remembering the earlier one, and continue remembering the current one, to which you need to supply the answer once the next question is asked. Try it: it is tough! Simply because our listening skills are poor!
We tend to believe that what we say is what is understood; more often than not, what is understood is not what is conveyed, but what the other person infers the meaning as! If only all of us are able to understand this core message in the art of communication, life would be practically devoid of misunderstandings!

Pain bodies!

Pain bodies!

It is said that pain is the symptom that something is not right with your body; a signal that you need to attend to the cause of the malady. It may be caused by a ruptured appendicitis or plain simple indigestion, but unless you take care of the cause it would recur, and in the case of the former, it may even be fatal, if you ignore it.

How simple the diagnosis is, if it is seen on the physical level! But we do not understand that our emotional body also undergoes pain. And it tells us in the form of our emotions: of anger, sadness, depression or plain helplessness. But how many of us really understand that what needs to be attended to is the cause of this pain; these symptoms are only the superficial signs of a corrosion happening underneath. We need to sit down and listen; listen to the need of the emotional body, and find out what is causing us so much pain. Is it a failed, or a failing relationship? Is it an unmet need from somebody? Is it something that someone has said, or more important, something someone has not said?

A client who had come to me for a session shared a story with me, wherein the case was of pure unmet expectations. But the hurt was festering for such a long time, that when she came in for the first session, I realised that it was not an isolated incident and the probing revealed the source of the hurt going as far as her childhood. She was the second of three siblings and her parents had always favoured her elder sibling, simply because the latter had been suffering from some deep complex born of her own thinking and inadequacies. Though she resented this favouritism, she was willing to live with it, because she had found succour for her emotional needs outside and maybe she did not have the courage to either fight, or even voice her resentment then. . Things settled down after both of them got married, and since they all got busy with their now extended families, this rivalry took a back seat.

Unfortunately, it surfaced again with the younger sibling now, who was living with her parents in the same city, and who somehow felt victimised by circumstances to take care of the parents. (It may not be out of place to say here that the parents had a fallout with the eldest sibling and are barely on talking terms now; somehow she kept insisting, ironically that she was always put down upon!). Anyway, to cut to the presenting problem, my client called up her mother to share some discord that she had had with the younger sibling, but the mother jumped to her defense, saying that she was never able to understand her younger sibling, and not to bother her with undue conflicts between both of them. Now this was ironical, and the only message my client could get was that she was not given a hearing, (it was very reminiscient of her childhood) and that her sibling was!

The issue of discord is irrelevant here; what hurt was the fact that my client was straight away brushed aside, with a blanket pronouncement. What came to my mind was what a famous psychologist, Adler had written about the profound effect birth order had on the personality of a person. This client of mine had projected to be a strong, mature and rational individual and had been a source of support for the family throughout her life. When she did manifest her emotional needs, I guess the family was unable to understand it and handle the situation. It made them uncomfortable whenever she buckled, even for a while under a crisis. And all along, to live up to her image, she continued to reinforce the behaviour of being a strong, rational person.
She had not understood her deep underlying resentment she bore against her parents for compromising her position every time in a sibling fight. She had been given love: but conditional love. And when the conditions were not being met now, the family was unable to accept her.

How is someone to cope with an unfulfilled need? It was not easy… The level of acceptance had to be very high in her, to surpass this need of being accepted unconditionally by her parents, and she had to work on years of rejection and the silent resentment she had borne.

I had lot of raw emotions to handle; and it was not easy. She was speaking from hurt, not from reasoning. I had to give her time, before I could make her understand where her mother and her sibling were coming from. She had to deal with unmet expectations, and to use a Transactional analysis viewpoint, she was the rebellious child, talking to a critical parent. No wonder there was a cross transaction!

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Roles and role plays in life

When you are playing multiple roles in life, as you usually are, the tasks that you need to fulfil for each of the roles seem to overlap at times. I am a counsellor by profession, and this role seems to sometimes pervade the roles that i play of a wife, a mother, a friend, a daughter... and so many other parts. It is so easy to demarcate the roles in other professions; but when it comes to being a counsellor, you are dealing with the fragile human mind, and emotions of a vulnerable human being. It becomes impossible at times to draw the lines as to when you stop being a counsellor and don the garb of a mother or a wife!

I have this strange issue of continuing being treated as a counsellor, even when i am not playing the role of one! Let me explain... I had gone on a trip with a family friend, and during the entire journey in the car, i was given the case of the man’s niece who was having a serious problem in her life. Her behaviour had turned bizarre and she had subsequently become moody and withdrawn, and also seemed to hate men in her life. This gentleman wanted to know how i could help this child...long-distance, second-hand counselling i call it!

Now the point is, i do not mind discussing people’s problems and giving my so-called expert advice. (though counselling is anything but giving advice but that is another story, and people seem to press a play button the moment they know i am a counsellor!) My contention is, if i continue being a counsellor 24x7, when do i be myself? The person who can be allowed to give vent to her feelings, her moods, even her tantrums at times, or just relax and enjoy life’s small pleasures? When can i be a mother to my children, an uncritical wife to my husband, without reading meaning to each and every sentence they speak or view every action of theirs in a psychological perspective? The irony is, even when i do try to do so, the opinion is that i am speaking from my experience as a counsellor, and not as a role that i am supposed to be in at that time!

There is also another angle to this whole thing. Other than my interpersonal relations being viewed only from the standpoint of me being a counsellor, even my normal, human emotions would be denied, deriding them as ‘not being professional’! Do you continue to be professional in all spheres of your life, all the time, and experience ‘professional’ feelings? When i give in to a natural emotion and consequently snap at somebody because the question warranted maybe just a flippant retort, i am immediately labelled the ‘counsellor’! And with this label comes the one of being ‘professional’, so i should be able to handle relations deftly, be just right, say just the right things and do the right things! The load sometimes becomes so heavy that there have been days when i have withdrawn completely, cancelled all appointments, cut off all communication, and hibernated, and only then managed to get in touch with my inner self, which would have been very confused, and maybe manifested as a personality issue! I guess this is the vagary of being in this profession, where unlike any other vocation, you are handling feelings, which never cease to exist... so consequently, one will not be able to see a counsellor as an individual who also is as human as the client she is handling. The only difference would be that she maybe has the tool to reason out a situation, by means of the numerous theories and therapies that she has knowledge of, and then realise and discount people’s reactions!

Not that it really helps to handle the omnipresent feelings though!

Two is not company

Today was a very disturbing day. As a practising counsellor, i normally feel that listening to emotional baggage is part of my job, and my training has helped me deal with avoidance of transference. However, i was not prepared for today’s onslaught of cases. All the three cases in a row, one after the other, involved the disturbing behaviour of very young children in school, also resulting in failing academics. Per force, i was forced to call for the parents; for the home environment contributes a lot to the way a child behaves in school. We adults are forced by systems and rules not to carry our emotional baggage to our place of work; however, children displace their emotions in schools!

Anyway, the first set of parents walked in, but when they sat down, they left a vacant chair in between them. I sensed that something was not working here, and when i placed the issue of the disturbing behaving of their toddler in school, they looked at each other. As they were answering my questions in monosyllables, i suggested that i talk to them separately. They could not be more relieved! The mother had an earful of complaints against the husband, and she emphatically stated that the marriage was not working from day one! She has managed to move out after 5 years of living together, and the son was with her during the week, and the husband took the child to his place of living on week-ends (well, i could hardly term it home could i?) At the end of the tirade, almost as an afterthought, she wanted to know what was wrong with her son! I chose to reserve my comments, and then had a session with the father. He had exactly the same kind of complaints that his wife had registered, which would have been amusing, if it had not been such a serious situation! I mean, here they were claiming they could not get along and did not see eye to eye even on a single topic; yet, they were totally in agreement in their view of each other! They were not even willing to work on the relationship, and though they had taken no legal steps as yet, both of them were sure that it will not be long before they do the rounds of the lawyers, family courts and mediation counselling.

In all this, i think they did not even pause to think what damage they were doing to the child. As an example of the trauma that the child was going through, he told me, when i was talking to him, that he hates it when someone talks loudly to him, he hates noises, for his home was full of noise: his parents were always quarrelling, hurling abuses and accusations at each other. I could imagine this child sitting in the middle of the room, with the parents throwing barbs at each other, and this child ducking every time!

There was no big resolution to this case; at least the first session was largely history taking. But the session left me feeling drained; and with so many unanswered questions. Like, why do couples decide to sustain a relationship they know would never last a lifetime? Why do they get into a relationship because it would require too much effort to ‘cancel a wedding’ as this particular mother stated? And the most vital question, why go ahead and decide to have a child and the additional and awesome responsibility of being parents when you have not yet learnt to be partners?

I am not advocating easy dissolution of relationships; in fact i work with lawyers who try their utmost to help the couples who approach them for the first hearing, to try and help them make the relationship work, not because of social pressure, but because the cause for the conflict may be something that can be worked on. But what i mean is, when you are so sure that the partnership is doomed right from day one, is there any sense in putting another human being through the trauma?

Mohana Narayanan

I have learned after existing in this world for almost half a century that the best way to be at peace here is to pretend that you are the sole survivor of a holocaust, and that you are alone in your existence. I am not advocating the life of Robinson Crusoe, who yearned for human company on a desolate island. I am talking about the solitude and the complete self-sufficiency that Thoreau spoke about when he wrote Walden Pond. I am talking about the attitude of being self-reliant that Emerson wrote about. We all need to realise that somewhere in our lifetimes, we need to take responsibility for our own choices, for our own decisions. We all also need to understand that if we have helping hands, then they are there not to make us dependent on them, but to simply accept the help offered gracefully, as a bonus, and not to set store any expectations by them. At any point and at any time, the withdrawal can occur; and then we may be left floundering, helpless, wondering how we would ever manage.

I think this policy would also help us handle our relationships better. Strangely, i have always handled crisis in my life on my own; not to say that i do not have friends or people who would support me in times of need. But by some strange quirk of fate, more often than not, i have found that these people have not been immediately around to help me ground myself; and for that i am grateful to them. Their unavailability, because of their other commitments, or because of them unable to explain my need to their significant others, has made me so much more capable of handling life on my own, and made me so much stronger. I am able to connect deeply with my inner strength and able to face crisis without buckling under. To an extent, i think this strength is also resented by them a little; i mean, how can i not ask for help?!

I realised how long a way i have come, when my maid today announced that she would not be able to come to work for me. I did not bat an eyelid, just told her to go ahead and suit herself. I know it is going to be tough but i refused to let that perturb me, i decided to handle things as they came along.

I also realised that i no longer needed to talk things out to people who i thought understood me; I am able to sort out issues on my own, with my inner dialogue and arrive at an equilibrium. This could have been also because in a lot of situations, i was unable to talk when i needed to: what is it that they say about necessity being the mother of invention? I found i had handled this need in me successfully, and today the lack of the shoulder to cry on no longer bothered me.

Do i sound anti-social? I assure you, i am not so. It is just that i have realised that there is so much more comfort and peace when you are able to do things on your own, without waiting for it to be done for you. There is so much less hassle if you are not waiting for the phone call that never comes, for the mail that never arrives and for the words that are suppose to erase hurts... when you do not spend your life waiting, there is more living happening.....

Mohana Narayanan

December 9,2009

Games of Life

The phone call was made after a lot of deliberation, and after a lot of time lapse. Simply because she wanted matters to die down, for emotions to settle down and for her to reflect on whether she was kicking off without thought. (Maybe also somewhere she was waiting for the phone call to be made from the other side, to acknowledge her hurt, the amending call). But the hurt still was as fresh as ever, and no wonder; because how do hurts heal? Not when you ignore them, but when you acknowledge their existence and you feel that the hurt has been given a balm, when it is spoken about and an attempt is made to at least make you feel that the matter is understood, and that corrective steps would be taken. She continued to hurt still, even after the phone call, simply because she realised that what she said was not even comprehended or her hurt acknowledged.

She came from a family where the siblings vied with each other for the attention of the parents. The parents did parenting the best they knew: instinctive parenting comes naturally. But in the process, technical difficulties like handling complexes of the children, whether real or imagined, sibling rivalry, competition, and underlying resentments went unattended. So did blows to self-esteem when one of them would be forced to buy peace at the cost of offending her sense of being and of self-worth. They grew up and grew away. They lived their own lives, coming together now and again and then growing apart. The eldest of them all totally broke away, perhaps comfortable being geographically away. The middle one, perhaps the one who bore the brunt of the sibling issues, though in close proximity, felt emotionally weaned away, growing both in terms of developing external relationships and also thus more adept at managing them better. The youngest remained with the family the longest, and thus continued to be in some ways the baby of the family.

Shouldn’t life have settled down then? Old issues forgotten and the siblings coming together? Well, it did not happen. The situation of the first child continued to be the same: detached, and thus convenient. She would make an appearance now and then, upsetting the equilibrium of the family.

The second one would be around to pick up the pieces of any major storms, and then later be blamed for doing so! The third daughter continued to be the martyr, ‘forced to take on the responsibility of the aged parents’, simply because she happened to be in the same city.

I guess this garb of the most important person gave this child the liberty to unofficially take on the role of the mascot in the family. She would go into fits of moody disposition, making people wish they had never gone to their place. She would throw her weight around, make sure everyone would be very uncomfortable around her, simply because she was the source of immediate comfort to her parents, and they felt that she was doing a lot for them, so they had to be obligated to her. In the process, any action of hers which would naturally generate hurt in someone would be overlooked, by simply stating that the person was being ‘misunderstood’.

Her demeanour was simply what it is: and anybody getting hurt was simply being ‘oversensitive’. No amends would be made to repair any hurts, and just a time lag was sufficient enough for her between her erratic behaviour and her next conversation. Any attempts at trying to talk out issues with her, would be like talking to an autistic child: she simply would not listen! The sheer defensive attitude would make one wonder why make the attempt at all! Games being played over and over again, till the payoffs were no longer necessary. Then once the game changed, the payoffs stopped coming; and then the games stopped.

I guess the game here was: come on hurt me: and once the need for hurt (the payoff) was not needed, the game was changed: and thus the whole process of gaming stopped. What was lost in the bargain remains to be seen; maybe yet another relationship; maybe the closure of yet another chapter. But she was much more at peace, for she had decided to live life by her terms now. It was not arrogance: simply compliance to her inner need to be herself and stem this dichotomy within her.

Mohana Narayanan

December 8,2009

Feet on ground reality

The child told me that as you grow older, your attention span would decrease, and that is the reason that he is not able to study well! Wondering from where he got this theory, i looked questioningly at the mother. She told me wryly that it was a line from Garfield, the comic cat, who was her son’s favourite cartoon character.

Though i was very amused at the whole thing, it set me thinking. We have so many profound statements being made by cartoon characters, and if a child is going to imbibe them as life-truths, then we would indeed have a tough time! What we would need to instil in the child here is the quality of discerning what truth is, and what fiction is. Fantasy world is something that all of us escape to, at some time or the other in our lives. I guess it would be called some form of escapism, but then if we do not attempt to get back to reality, then it would become a problem, not otherwise. Going into the fantasy world gives us a break from the harsh realities of life, but we need to walk into the garden of fantasy as in Alice in Wonderland, equipped with the key to come back through the door, and not lose the key. I guess we are also programmed to dream for the same reason. But what happens when we do go into this world and adapt it to be our real existence? Then it becomes a pathology. In this world, we are at liberty to frame our own laws, live life the way we want, and have complete control over the entire universe. It is such a wonderful feeling, of being in control!

We are able to become super beings that have super powers; we have the supremacy over all that we behold, be it money, relationships, power­... we call the shots. This euphoric feeling would be the like of being God: (Remember Bruce Almighty?)! However, even he was God only for ten days!

The crash of coming back to reality is softened, if we are emotionally healthy, and equipped with coping skills to deal with the real environment. We then understand that what happens in the world of comic characters and the dream world looks and sounds good: but maybe too good to be true, and the real world with its share of miseries, misfortunes, missed opportunities and disappointments is still worth living in. For it is definitely much more concrete and less ethereal than the world of magic and fairyland and glib one-liners. So whether it is the wisdom of Garfield, or the precocious philosophy of Calvin, give me the real-world caricatured human beings anytime: I can take them head-on!

Mohana Narayanan

Curtains of deception

The day of prevention of child sexual abuse came and went. We had lectures, demonstrations, and awareness programmes, which hopefully will help public to prevent child abuse.

Just two days after ‘celebrating’ this day, i had to handle a child who has had a very complicated parenting, and is undergoing a lot of emotional issues. The child was brought up by surrogate parents, and she was the daughter of the father’s sister. This fact was revealed to her when she was around ten years of age, and she was just assimilating this fact, when this surrogate mother conceived, and delivered a child. Meanwhile, on the pretext that this girl was not behaving properly and also that the mother had her hands full with the second child, she was packed off to be with her aunt in the city. This aunt, though very affectionate, was not able to emotionally support the child.

The final straw came when the husband of this aunt tried to paw the child and hounded her with his unwanted attentions. This 13-year-old adolescent had her cup of trauma full. She was not performing well academically, and on this issue, the aunt came to see me with the child. The child kept insisting that she wanted to go back to her parents, but the aunt managed to convince her to stay on and study in the city. When the child walked into my consultation room, she seemed full of woe. The aunt gave me the background, omitting the vital facts of the unwanted attention that was being paid to the girl by her husband (Yes, she was aware of the fact! The girl had told her and apparently, since he denied the whole thing, it suited her to believe his version). She wanted me to convince the girl to study well, give her study skills, and make sure that the girl settles down. According to her, all that was wrong was that her husband was a person who was very strict since he was in the police force.

The child was broken, traumatised and urging to go back to her hometown. I sent for the parents. I called the child in, and made her tell her mother what was happening. The mother looked suitably shocked, but then tells me, that she suspected it all along; he had tried this tactic even with her!

How i handled the case is not of great relevance here, though for purposes of completing the narration, i called the aunt and the mother for sessions, and convinced the mother to take the child back with her.

What kind of a parent knowingly allows her child to be in the vicinity of a man who is programmed to abuse women? Was it because this child was not hers biologically? Or is this a basic helplessness of women in our society, who are scared of voicing their protest for fear of social disapproval?

As long as we continue subjecting ourselves and our loved ones to such behind-the-screen acts, such abuses will continue. As long as we do not internalise the sheer anger and disgust at the emotional and sexual abuse that children are being subjected to, and externalise our protests vociferously, this malaise will continue to fester in our society. Can we please stop hiding behind fake walls of family honour and decency, and give children what they long for? Security?

MOHANA NARAYANAN