The very purpose of entering into a marriage is unconditional acceptance of your partner. Now, I know that is not really possible, and most of us have an agenda whereby we set about changing our partner to fit into our mould. But I have met one couple, where the dynamics are very conflicting and clear. No commitment from the wife’s side to the relationship: I need to be a daughter to my parents, I need to support them, so I would continue to work. The husband was fine with it, but little did he know that he was going to be used as an ATM for the family! Having got a job abroad, he went ahead expecting his wife to follow him along with their newborn. But she showed no signs of moving; and then finally sends a message to him, saying that she thinks it would be best if this arrangement continued, and he continues supporting her financially from his place of work! The man did not know what hit him! He would make umpteen trips to her place, loading her with jewelry, gifts, and cash, both for her and their child. But things did not change. She continued refusing to join him to start their life together, stating her family of origin as her primary commitment, though continuing to receive substantial amounts of funds from him.
Vexed, the man decided to put an end to this oscillating relationship, and give her one final chance to join him, or settle for separation. The girl agreed to come for counseling, and during the sessions, came up with insubstantial reasons for not going to live with him, none of which held water. She also tried to convey that he had not supported her financially, which the man promptly countered, but producing excel sheets of accounts! Possibly being cornered, and also contemplating that if she did not accede, she would be left holding huge debts with no verve to call her own, she finally agreed to accompany him back to the country of his residence. Both looked relieved and happy when they left my clinic.
Within a short while of her going back home, she calls him and says that her family is of the opinion that unless he undertakes to repay the huge loans that they have incurred as a family, she would not be allowed to go with him! Now, which family in their right senses would want their daughter to stay back with them and work off the loans they have incurred, staying away from her husband? Was it because of some undying sense of obligation she had towards her family? If so, what about her commitment to her marriage? Her husband? Her son? What hold did her family have over her, I wonder? The man did not know what to do. Could he not assert his right over her, saying she was his wife, and he would not go back without her? I don’t know whether there would be legal implications to what I am suggesting; but though it is true that you cannot force a person into being happy, sometimes, one does not know how to choose what is good for them. In this case, I think if this man asserts himself (which he claims he has never done these past years that he was married to her) and is able to take her with him, he is sure to assure her of a fine life with him. According to him, he has waited for her ever since he got married to her; and he is sure that it was only his commitment that saw him through. Would that very same commitment help him now too I wonder???
Mohana Narayanan
November 18, 2010
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