The day dawned bright and sunny, and I felt in harmony, as I got ready for the day. Countless calls came, on all the phones at home, calls that were expected, so I felt the bond was reinforced. There were also calls that were a surprise for I never knew that I mattered enough to these people for them to remember to call and wish me. It made me feel wanted, loved, and cared for. There was a song in my heart as I went to work and other than the usual job related stresses, the day was uneventful. I looked good, I felt good, and somewhere, the feeling of well-being permeated my entire self. It is such an important day, I thought, the day you choose to enter this world. You have to evolve as a person and the time and the date you choose to embark on this journey is so important. I know there are people who do not store much to their birthdays, and I remember when I was growing up, I used to yearn for people to wish me. Birthdays were not great events in my family, but as peer pressure built up, I remember how I used to make up stories about how my people celebrated my birthday! Not that my family loved me less or anything, it is just that the private logic of my family set store to the day being more religious than personal. So a visit to a temple was mandatory, and a sweet made at home, but the day being special stopped there.
For a long while after that, I would make the day important for myself. I would make sure I wore a new dress, I would treat myself to maybe a visit to the parlour, and tell myself how important I was to myself. I would go out for dinner with my family, and make sure I enjoyed myself even by resorting to clowning! But somewhere there would linger a feeling of sadness, something I was not able to put my finger to.
But today the day continued to be the perfect one. We went out for dinner, and after that we went for a drive on the beach road, even though it was raining. The bridge on a certain section was lit up, and it looked striking in the night. When I commented on how beautiful the scene looked at night, my friend promptly stopped the car, forced us all to get out in the drizzle, and we took snaps, standing on the bridge! Passers-by took us to be tourists I guess, for which local residents in their right minds would drive by on one of the arterial roads of the city they pass by day in day out, stand in the rain and click photographs?! We continued to giggle and act silly, and had a patrol vehicle stop by, to question us on our motives!!!
When I finally reached home, the day (night?) was almost over. But there a pervading sense of feeling good about the world. I was one year closer to leaving this earth, but I was so glad that I am here, and I have grown so much, evolved so much. I am grateful for each person who has touched my life for they have helped me in my journey, like we all are meant to do for each other, and even people who are not there in my life anymore, even people I no longer resonate with anymore, simply because we have grown away from each other. I am willing to let them go, without any feelings of being let down, without any feelings of bitterness, people who have perhaps been left behind in my journey of life.
Thank you!!!
Mohana Narayanan
November 22,2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Commitment to commitment !
The very purpose of entering into a marriage is unconditional acceptance of your partner. Now, I know that is not really possible, and most of us have an agenda whereby we set about changing our partner to fit into our mould. But I have met one couple, where the dynamics are very conflicting and clear. No commitment from the wife’s side to the relationship: I need to be a daughter to my parents, I need to support them, so I would continue to work. The husband was fine with it, but little did he know that he was going to be used as an ATM for the family! Having got a job abroad, he went ahead expecting his wife to follow him along with their newborn. But she showed no signs of moving; and then finally sends a message to him, saying that she thinks it would be best if this arrangement continued, and he continues supporting her financially from his place of work! The man did not know what hit him! He would make umpteen trips to her place, loading her with jewelry, gifts, and cash, both for her and their child. But things did not change. She continued refusing to join him to start their life together, stating her family of origin as her primary commitment, though continuing to receive substantial amounts of funds from him.
Vexed, the man decided to put an end to this oscillating relationship, and give her one final chance to join him, or settle for separation. The girl agreed to come for counseling, and during the sessions, came up with insubstantial reasons for not going to live with him, none of which held water. She also tried to convey that he had not supported her financially, which the man promptly countered, but producing excel sheets of accounts! Possibly being cornered, and also contemplating that if she did not accede, she would be left holding huge debts with no verve to call her own, she finally agreed to accompany him back to the country of his residence. Both looked relieved and happy when they left my clinic.
Within a short while of her going back home, she calls him and says that her family is of the opinion that unless he undertakes to repay the huge loans that they have incurred as a family, she would not be allowed to go with him! Now, which family in their right senses would want their daughter to stay back with them and work off the loans they have incurred, staying away from her husband? Was it because of some undying sense of obligation she had towards her family? If so, what about her commitment to her marriage? Her husband? Her son? What hold did her family have over her, I wonder? The man did not know what to do. Could he not assert his right over her, saying she was his wife, and he would not go back without her? I don’t know whether there would be legal implications to what I am suggesting; but though it is true that you cannot force a person into being happy, sometimes, one does not know how to choose what is good for them. In this case, I think if this man asserts himself (which he claims he has never done these past years that he was married to her) and is able to take her with him, he is sure to assure her of a fine life with him. According to him, he has waited for her ever since he got married to her; and he is sure that it was only his commitment that saw him through. Would that very same commitment help him now too I wonder???
Mohana Narayanan
November 18, 2010
Vexed, the man decided to put an end to this oscillating relationship, and give her one final chance to join him, or settle for separation. The girl agreed to come for counseling, and during the sessions, came up with insubstantial reasons for not going to live with him, none of which held water. She also tried to convey that he had not supported her financially, which the man promptly countered, but producing excel sheets of accounts! Possibly being cornered, and also contemplating that if she did not accede, she would be left holding huge debts with no verve to call her own, she finally agreed to accompany him back to the country of his residence. Both looked relieved and happy when they left my clinic.
Within a short while of her going back home, she calls him and says that her family is of the opinion that unless he undertakes to repay the huge loans that they have incurred as a family, she would not be allowed to go with him! Now, which family in their right senses would want their daughter to stay back with them and work off the loans they have incurred, staying away from her husband? Was it because of some undying sense of obligation she had towards her family? If so, what about her commitment to her marriage? Her husband? Her son? What hold did her family have over her, I wonder? The man did not know what to do. Could he not assert his right over her, saying she was his wife, and he would not go back without her? I don’t know whether there would be legal implications to what I am suggesting; but though it is true that you cannot force a person into being happy, sometimes, one does not know how to choose what is good for them. In this case, I think if this man asserts himself (which he claims he has never done these past years that he was married to her) and is able to take her with him, he is sure to assure her of a fine life with him. According to him, he has waited for her ever since he got married to her; and he is sure that it was only his commitment that saw him through. Would that very same commitment help him now too I wonder???
Mohana Narayanan
November 18, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Joint venture conflicts
We tend to view partnership as a one-sided contract, especially the type marital contracts are made of. The moment a relationship is formalized, the relationship dynamics change in most marriages. The stereotypical male would want the wife to fit into a perfect round hole that he has in his mind, cutting off the sides of the squares, so to speak. More often than not, he would see his mother in his wife, and the female partner sub-consciously would look for the man to fit into the mental picture she has of her partner, matching qualities of her father. This expectancy may set in either in the early days of the marriage, or much later, depending on the tolerance level of either of the partners. On the grounds of being ‘tolerant’, one man would continue to indulge his wife in maintaining her identity and going against the established tenets of his family background, till she is fully convinced that her husband is okay with her being what she is. Then overnight, he would pull the rug under her feet, and have a tirade of accusations against her; she has not followed family traditions, she is being disrespectful, she is not being religious etc. etc. The girl would not know when this about turn occurred; when he was okay with her behavior just a few days back, the very same behavior becomes a major point of conflict between them, and ultimatums are flung at her.
I am not saying the girl would have been on her best code of behavior. There would have been a lot of power struggle, and attention seeking acts. But rather than handling it on a one-on-one basis, the husband has chosen to be permissive, and has swallowed what he would have actually wanted to do, simply for the sake of temporary peace, or for avoiding conflicts. Now suddenly for no major reason, he wants an out. He has been going through a lot for the past few years, and his patience has now reached rock bottom, he claims. It is amusing, to say the least, that when his cup of patience runs dry, that is the time when he decides the relationship needs a serious looking into, perhaps even end it, for there is nothing in it for him. What gives him the right to call the shots? The girl is still reeling under the shock of the fact that the entire past marriage has been a sham, and all his so-called ‘allowance’ and indulgence and acceptance of her non-conservative behavior has been all a pretence. He may think that under this train of thought, she may buckle and sign on the dotted line, perhaps even wear the badge of divorcee on her sleeve, being the non-conformist that she is! But here ironically, the joke was on him… She believed in the age-old institution of marriage, and refused to even consider a parting of ways. He threaten to throw her out of the house; he demanded his parents stay out of the whole picture; he warned her that if she contests, then she will have to wash dirty linen in public (how come the dirty linen is only the girl’s not the boy’s, considering the marriage of both is breaking up?).
The girl refused to give in. After the initial distress she has gathered all her resources, her inner strength, and has dug her heels in. Her only grouse has been, if only he had been more honest in the past, though she would have initially found it difficult to adhere to the norms of the family, she would have settled in after the initial conflict, and inner turbulence. But this two-faced turnabout is something she says will take some time to sink in!
The last I knew the battle was still on; the threats were coming hard and fast; but she was no longer crying and weeping and pleading. She is trying to change herself, albeit slowly, and is firmly committed to her role as a mother and wife, the latter if he allows. But to be the mother, she does not need his permission. Kudos to womanhood, and a bow to her tremendous strength and will! I know she will come through this a change woman, and the superficial change of appearance is not the only change I am talking about.
I am not saying the girl would have been on her best code of behavior. There would have been a lot of power struggle, and attention seeking acts. But rather than handling it on a one-on-one basis, the husband has chosen to be permissive, and has swallowed what he would have actually wanted to do, simply for the sake of temporary peace, or for avoiding conflicts. Now suddenly for no major reason, he wants an out. He has been going through a lot for the past few years, and his patience has now reached rock bottom, he claims. It is amusing, to say the least, that when his cup of patience runs dry, that is the time when he decides the relationship needs a serious looking into, perhaps even end it, for there is nothing in it for him. What gives him the right to call the shots? The girl is still reeling under the shock of the fact that the entire past marriage has been a sham, and all his so-called ‘allowance’ and indulgence and acceptance of her non-conservative behavior has been all a pretence. He may think that under this train of thought, she may buckle and sign on the dotted line, perhaps even wear the badge of divorcee on her sleeve, being the non-conformist that she is! But here ironically, the joke was on him… She believed in the age-old institution of marriage, and refused to even consider a parting of ways. He threaten to throw her out of the house; he demanded his parents stay out of the whole picture; he warned her that if she contests, then she will have to wash dirty linen in public (how come the dirty linen is only the girl’s not the boy’s, considering the marriage of both is breaking up?).
The girl refused to give in. After the initial distress she has gathered all her resources, her inner strength, and has dug her heels in. Her only grouse has been, if only he had been more honest in the past, though she would have initially found it difficult to adhere to the norms of the family, she would have settled in after the initial conflict, and inner turbulence. But this two-faced turnabout is something she says will take some time to sink in!
The last I knew the battle was still on; the threats were coming hard and fast; but she was no longer crying and weeping and pleading. She is trying to change herself, albeit slowly, and is firmly committed to her role as a mother and wife, the latter if he allows. But to be the mother, she does not need his permission. Kudos to womanhood, and a bow to her tremendous strength and will! I know she will come through this a change woman, and the superficial change of appearance is not the only change I am talking about.
Parenting matters!
I have repeated this fact so many times to my clients that I sound like a stuck record: parenting is not offered as a degree of education; it is a lifetime on the job training. I have also said that there are no good or bad parents, or good or bad off-springs. But in spite of it all, I come across absolutely resistant parents, who insist on believing that there is something seriously wrong in the way their child behaves, and go on this blame game and labeling trip, which only antagonizes the child further. They have done all they could for their child; they have given the child whatever he or she wanted; they only wanted them to be ‘good’ in return! Yet their children turn out to be incarnation of the devils, the way they go on about the so-called misbehavior of their children.
Take the case of this set of parents, who, according to them have given the child the best of everything: and they fail to understand why the child is refusing to go to school. The fact of attending school is treated by he child as a carrot for manipulating the parents! He demands the latest computer gizmo, or a night out, failing which he would threaten to bunk school till his demands are met! And the parents have this attitude of having sired an ungrateful child, who is not able to appreciate all they have done for their child.
Can we please understand here, that satisfying every want of a child without understanding whether it is a want or a need, creates a child who turns out with the world owes me syndrome? The child would expect the sun to stop if he wants to, simply because the first adults in his life did not teach him the concept of refusal of a demand, and how to handle rejection and unmet needs. The parents think that gratitude in a child would create a child of their dreams; on the contrary, they haven’t even allowed the child to appreciate what he or she would get, for the simple reason that they jump up to fulfill all that the child asks for, let alone experience gratitude. Not allowing a child to take age-related decisions, doing everything for a child, so that he can ‘enjoy life’, not letting him face consequences of his behavior, and then finally presenting the child as a ogre they wonder who created, is a lot of work for a counselor! Can we please understand that denying a child his demand does not convey your lack of love, as much as fulfilling his every whim does not prove the extent of it!
Mohana Narayanan
November 17,2010
Take the case of this set of parents, who, according to them have given the child the best of everything: and they fail to understand why the child is refusing to go to school. The fact of attending school is treated by he child as a carrot for manipulating the parents! He demands the latest computer gizmo, or a night out, failing which he would threaten to bunk school till his demands are met! And the parents have this attitude of having sired an ungrateful child, who is not able to appreciate all they have done for their child.
Can we please understand here, that satisfying every want of a child without understanding whether it is a want or a need, creates a child who turns out with the world owes me syndrome? The child would expect the sun to stop if he wants to, simply because the first adults in his life did not teach him the concept of refusal of a demand, and how to handle rejection and unmet needs. The parents think that gratitude in a child would create a child of their dreams; on the contrary, they haven’t even allowed the child to appreciate what he or she would get, for the simple reason that they jump up to fulfill all that the child asks for, let alone experience gratitude. Not allowing a child to take age-related decisions, doing everything for a child, so that he can ‘enjoy life’, not letting him face consequences of his behavior, and then finally presenting the child as a ogre they wonder who created, is a lot of work for a counselor! Can we please understand that denying a child his demand does not convey your lack of love, as much as fulfilling his every whim does not prove the extent of it!
Mohana Narayanan
November 17,2010
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Roller coaster rides
Roller coaster rides
I wonder why people deliberately choose to go on a roller coaster! If you ask me, life offers enough roller coaster rides! I wish I could go on a passenger train, which chugs along at a steady, sedentary speed, stops at every station where you have sleepy porters and little urchins running after you for a tip or leftover food. Instead, here I am travelling at breakneck speed, alert 24x7, as I am the person behind the steering wheel of a fast-moving locomotive, which is shooting through a dark tunnel, which never seems to end and also, one is not really sure what is actually there at the end of the tunnel!
I have been on this journey for almost seven years now, when my family started to go through turbulent times. The turbulence would rock me time and again and I would swim against the tide, gasp when I seemed to go underwater, but surface again, refusing to give in. Each time however, the currents came on stronger and stronger and each time, I would think it was the last time before I would go under.
It is not that I claim to be a very strong person or anything. Just that resilience does come to me naturally and I am a fighter. But of late, I have found the fighting spirit giving way to acceptance. Is that what it is all about I wonder? That I need to accept that these squalls as part of my life and understand that I am attracting the contraindicative factors in my life because I am a seasoned fighter? If that is so, then I also need to know whether it is okay not to fight, so that I do no attract this energy anymore.
I need to understand perhaps that even though I feel I am running standing in the same place, I need to refuse to entertain doubt. I need to tell myself that this too shall pass, and that there would come a day when I would not be getting up, wondering what news the day has in store for me; whether I am going to sail through, or sink…
Mohana narayanan
August 9, 2010
I wonder why people deliberately choose to go on a roller coaster! If you ask me, life offers enough roller coaster rides! I wish I could go on a passenger train, which chugs along at a steady, sedentary speed, stops at every station where you have sleepy porters and little urchins running after you for a tip or leftover food. Instead, here I am travelling at breakneck speed, alert 24x7, as I am the person behind the steering wheel of a fast-moving locomotive, which is shooting through a dark tunnel, which never seems to end and also, one is not really sure what is actually there at the end of the tunnel!
I have been on this journey for almost seven years now, when my family started to go through turbulent times. The turbulence would rock me time and again and I would swim against the tide, gasp when I seemed to go underwater, but surface again, refusing to give in. Each time however, the currents came on stronger and stronger and each time, I would think it was the last time before I would go under.
It is not that I claim to be a very strong person or anything. Just that resilience does come to me naturally and I am a fighter. But of late, I have found the fighting spirit giving way to acceptance. Is that what it is all about I wonder? That I need to accept that these squalls as part of my life and understand that I am attracting the contraindicative factors in my life because I am a seasoned fighter? If that is so, then I also need to know whether it is okay not to fight, so that I do no attract this energy anymore.
I need to understand perhaps that even though I feel I am running standing in the same place, I need to refuse to entertain doubt. I need to tell myself that this too shall pass, and that there would come a day when I would not be getting up, wondering what news the day has in store for me; whether I am going to sail through, or sink…
Mohana narayanan
August 9, 2010
METAMORPHOSIS
METAMORPHOSIS
When some things shatter, there is no noise; but the silence is deafening. Relationships fall into this kind of breaks. When parameters change, when tracks are shifted, when perceptions start to differ, the feeling of discomfort is intense; it is as if you are going through a medical procedure where your insides are revamped, and you undergo a transfusion. The pain is sometimes unbearable, no amount of anesthetics seem to help. But then the knowledge that you will be better off for all the pain perhaps pulls you through the agony!
Why do we revolt so much? Why don’t we realize that it is because we are resisting so much that the pain persists. If we go along with the flow, things will no longer seem to be the end of the world. We need to accept the fact that we outgrow relationships, we change the way we think, and most important of all issues, we decide to take responsibility to choose to get hurt and not blame the rest of the world for treating us like dirt.
There is also another angle to the whole issue; the way one asserts his or her rights on the other person. What gives us the authority to encroach the space of another individual I wonder? Why is this message so difficult to understand for some people, that you need to understand the basic dynamics of the association, and the nuances of change that it undergoes? While the concept of soul mates is all fine and Richard Bach makes good reading, I don’t think it is a possible reality. How can two people grow at the same pace, and think the same thoughts? So when the differences start to matter, one individual goes on this rampage, accusing the other of defiling the relationship, instead of understanding and accepting that people undergo transformation, and they need to let go of superficial similarities, to work on deeper underlying issues. Nothing comes of all this except anguish and intense feelings of discord.
It takes a while for things to settle down; and during this process, more evolution happens. Unfortunately, this advancement only succeeds in widening the chasm even more, with one of the partner growing with this insight, and the other nursing bitterness and feelings of dissent. I wish this did not end this way, but who says anything lasts forever??
Mohana Narayanan
November 1,2010
Free Way
In any association, we need to understand how important it is to have respect. When I say respect, it does not mean respect on the basis of age, or qualifications of positions in social or professional life. Respect here would stand for giving space for the survival of the other person’s individuality, accepting that there could be a counterpoint, without running down the other person’s preferences and choices. While the person whose preferences could be made fun of in a gentle manner, it would not really require one to study rocket science to decipher the derision behind such comments, if any. It would also boil down to plain inequality in the relationship.
I know an acquaintance of mine, who undergoes this pain time and again at the hands of her close friend. She likes a particular screen hero, and the friend likes someone else. The latter downright runs down her friend’s preferences, calling this hero the choicest of names, and almost succeeding in provoking my friend to defend her choice of hero. Fortunately, my friend has better sense than spoil a couple of good hours spent together, arguing about someone who is not even know to her personally, and she deftly changes the topic without getting deeper into the controversy.
The point to contemplate here is not about who wins the argument. I wonder why there is no respect in the relationship here. It is of course not mandatory that the friend shares the opinion; but why go out of the way to run down someone whom her close friend likes? I mean, my friend told me that the dislike is so strong that the opinion expressed is full of criticism, and in spite of the good work done by the actor, this friend of her has deliberately avoided all movies in which this person has acted, though they have gained worldwide recognition and awards.
I would expect a lesser rigid stance, especially if it is about tolerating someone or something that my close friend would feel so strongly about. After all, isn’t life all about standing by to let someone pass, or giving way on a highway?
Mohana Narayanan
November 4,2010
I know an acquaintance of mine, who undergoes this pain time and again at the hands of her close friend. She likes a particular screen hero, and the friend likes someone else. The latter downright runs down her friend’s preferences, calling this hero the choicest of names, and almost succeeding in provoking my friend to defend her choice of hero. Fortunately, my friend has better sense than spoil a couple of good hours spent together, arguing about someone who is not even know to her personally, and she deftly changes the topic without getting deeper into the controversy.
The point to contemplate here is not about who wins the argument. I wonder why there is no respect in the relationship here. It is of course not mandatory that the friend shares the opinion; but why go out of the way to run down someone whom her close friend likes? I mean, my friend told me that the dislike is so strong that the opinion expressed is full of criticism, and in spite of the good work done by the actor, this friend of her has deliberately avoided all movies in which this person has acted, though they have gained worldwide recognition and awards.
I would expect a lesser rigid stance, especially if it is about tolerating someone or something that my close friend would feel so strongly about. After all, isn’t life all about standing by to let someone pass, or giving way on a highway?
Mohana Narayanan
November 4,2010
The old order changeth... or need it???
The festival of lights came and went. It lit up some relationships; it pushed some into an abyss of darkness. The spirit of joy was dampened by some incidents that left its indelible mark on the way I was greeted by some of the people I visited. I thought it is said that this festival is one where you decide to make new beginnings. I wonder whether new beginnings are possible without ending old issues; I guess not. But then I was reminded of what one friend said to me once: I read three or four books simultaneously, she said, when I asked her when I could borrow one particular book. I think that is what relationships are also about. We may have issues that have not been resolved between us, issues which may bring in pain and hurts. But that does not mean you deride the whole person do you? Is it not possible to isolate the incident from the person, to separate the deed from the doer, the behavior from the individual? The bitterness that you demonstrate when you greet is so galling, that it gives rise to further conflicts in the future. The chasm grows so much wider that at some point, the other person is so far away that the depth of the chasm is wider than the depth of the relationship. Time dulls the hurt, and then you learn to get on with life. When you have a new beginnings, the past pages of an unfinished book does not matter I guess. You choose to script the ending.
Strangely I happened to bump into another friend of mine, who, for no known reason had sent me a curt mail some months back and requested me to stop writing to her as she was very busy. It was ironic that she was busy with work that I had trained her in, but after the first couple of hours, I was happy for her. I did not allow this unresolved conflict to surface when I bumped into her today. I could see she was kind of embarrassed and did not really know how to react. But I had buried old hatchets: there was nothing left to bury actually, and I could sense no discomfort in our meeting: at least on my side. And I could see that she could relax after the first couple of minutes, and we actually conversed decently before I said goodbye.
I guess perception on human relationships vary. But hurts are like festering wounds which may reopen any time, unless we realign our belief system about relationships and learn to ring in the new, even if we do not ring out the old.
Strangely I happened to bump into another friend of mine, who, for no known reason had sent me a curt mail some months back and requested me to stop writing to her as she was very busy. It was ironic that she was busy with work that I had trained her in, but after the first couple of hours, I was happy for her. I did not allow this unresolved conflict to surface when I bumped into her today. I could see she was kind of embarrassed and did not really know how to react. But I had buried old hatchets: there was nothing left to bury actually, and I could sense no discomfort in our meeting: at least on my side. And I could see that she could relax after the first couple of minutes, and we actually conversed decently before I said goodbye.
I guess perception on human relationships vary. But hurts are like festering wounds which may reopen any time, unless we realign our belief system about relationships and learn to ring in the new, even if we do not ring out the old.
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