It is a very difficult thing: this art of receiving. A client of mine was very upset that her daughter was not allowing her to celebrate her birthday. It was perhaps the last birthday they would have as a family, as the daughter was leaving home for higher studies. The celebration was also not something that was going to be very elaborate. Just a couple of friends over, people she would be very comfortable with, and maybe order food from outside and generally be very happy and joyful at home. But the daughter was so very vehement about not having the celebration, and this hurt the mother. Hurt her because the daughter was not able to understand how much this meant to my client. Hurt because the daughter was so much into celebrating other people’s birthdays, wishing them and making gifts for them….
She tried arguing, discussing it with her, and even went to the extent of talking to her daughter’s friend to try and convince her. Nothing worked, and she finally decided to let it be. Treat the day like any ordinary day. Treat the day like it was not a day that gave her a purpose to her life, the day this bundle of joy entered her life, and how every moment that she watched her grow, she felt fulfilled, and how being with her made all the pains bearable. It was a day when great things happened in the world: Some major discoveries were made, bombs burst, governments changed, and there were so many other incidents that would have hallmarked this year on the calendar. But for her, it was the birth of her daughter. Was it wrong on her part to allow her to rejoice the day? To make her daughter feel special?
I read somewhere a conversation between a pencil and an eraser, where the pencil feels sorry for the latter. I guess we all are like the erasers which somehow knows that one day it would be gone, and it would be replaced with a new one, but who is still happy with the job it is doing. Sometimes, along the way, they get hurt, they feel even unused at times, and when the eraser becomes too small by constant use, they are replaced. Does the pencil realize how it hurts the eraser at times, and does the pencil try and avoid making mistakes I wonder?
I have been a pencil too I guess in my life, and now it is my turn to be an eraser. Let me be the eraser and leave happy eraser shavings as memories for my children.
Mohana Narayanan
March 7,2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Play time or marriage time?
I believe the cricket team of a particular country has suggested they want a psychologist on their team. The reason? Most of them are undergoing a turbulent marriage, because of the team members not spending enough time with their spouses, who are obviously feeling the disconnect. One member who has been married barely married for six months, has had a message from his wife saying she is unable to cope with the disconnection and would like to separate.
There are various questions that hit me as I read this. How is a psychologist going to reduce the distances between the couples I wonder? There can be only two people in the marriage; what is the psychologist going to do? Of course she can teach the nuances of the crucial elements in a marriage: the need to feel connected, feeling capable, having the feeling that you count in the marriage and have the courage to stay on in the relationship and make it work. And if any of these “C” is missing then the identification is successful; but after that what happens? Do you think any of the players would, say cut down on the trips he undertakes around the world cut down on the time he spends away from home, simply because one or more of the C is missing? How is he going to make the Connect come about, how is going to make the Count happen? So, is the need for a psychologist in the team to make the team players not get disturbed by the dissonance in their family life so that they can play better and enhance the cricket craze I wonder, or is it a genuine need for their emotional well-being and concern for their personal life? On part of the spouse, any one is going to feel the absence of their partners for such extended period of time, more so when they are newly married Would it have been too much to ask from this player to put aside or cut down on the playtime and spend more time enhancing their marriage, so that her basic need of Connect and Count is fulfilled? Or is the argument that she knew he was a player when he got married, so she walked into it with her eyes open? I really don’t know. Matters of the heart are not ruled by rational of knowledge.
Not that the separation is any better if the marriage is older, but again that depends on the kind of bond they have developed over the years. If both of them have not developed this connect, but have simply been habituated to staying with each other, the separation may result in mild anxiety but both of them would manage to survive the separation, and may even at times enjoy the distance! The point here is then, how important is the quality of the marriage to either one of them. The emotional content and quotient is the benchmark of the success of the relationship.
The bottom line then, is that marriages last not because of proximity or physical appearances that get them best couple awards. Marriages survive because basically both the partners want it to happen, want it to survive the turbulence of a whole lot of external factors. But the creation of the marriage bubble is in the hands of the partners, and partners alone. What the team needs is not a psychologist or a marriage counselor; they need the understanding and the existence of the four crucial Cs: Identification of the same, and then working on developing the missing elements and making sure they continue to be there.
Mohana Narayanan
March 26th, 2011
There are various questions that hit me as I read this. How is a psychologist going to reduce the distances between the couples I wonder? There can be only two people in the marriage; what is the psychologist going to do? Of course she can teach the nuances of the crucial elements in a marriage: the need to feel connected, feeling capable, having the feeling that you count in the marriage and have the courage to stay on in the relationship and make it work. And if any of these “C” is missing then the identification is successful; but after that what happens? Do you think any of the players would, say cut down on the trips he undertakes around the world cut down on the time he spends away from home, simply because one or more of the C is missing? How is he going to make the Connect come about, how is going to make the Count happen? So, is the need for a psychologist in the team to make the team players not get disturbed by the dissonance in their family life so that they can play better and enhance the cricket craze I wonder, or is it a genuine need for their emotional well-being and concern for their personal life? On part of the spouse, any one is going to feel the absence of their partners for such extended period of time, more so when they are newly married Would it have been too much to ask from this player to put aside or cut down on the playtime and spend more time enhancing their marriage, so that her basic need of Connect and Count is fulfilled? Or is the argument that she knew he was a player when he got married, so she walked into it with her eyes open? I really don’t know. Matters of the heart are not ruled by rational of knowledge.
Not that the separation is any better if the marriage is older, but again that depends on the kind of bond they have developed over the years. If both of them have not developed this connect, but have simply been habituated to staying with each other, the separation may result in mild anxiety but both of them would manage to survive the separation, and may even at times enjoy the distance! The point here is then, how important is the quality of the marriage to either one of them. The emotional content and quotient is the benchmark of the success of the relationship.
The bottom line then, is that marriages last not because of proximity or physical appearances that get them best couple awards. Marriages survive because basically both the partners want it to happen, want it to survive the turbulence of a whole lot of external factors. But the creation of the marriage bubble is in the hands of the partners, and partners alone. What the team needs is not a psychologist or a marriage counselor; they need the understanding and the existence of the four crucial Cs: Identification of the same, and then working on developing the missing elements and making sure they continue to be there.
Mohana Narayanan
March 26th, 2011
Wish List!
There are so many things we need to set right in life, that I wonder whether one lifetime is enough to do so. Some of the issues that rankle me on a daily basis:
When people walk on the road with the dog or a child on their right. The danger of the dog suddenly being hit by an oncoming vehicle, or the child losing his or her grip and be knocked down.
When people refuse to accept that situations and people can change, and that means relationships also change.
When some people think that just because you don a particular hat, it is mandatory that you function in a certain way alone, and that out of the box thinking is taboo!
When people insist that we need to be ‘right’ in all that we say, think or do, feelings notwithstanding.
Mohana Narayanan
March 11,2011
When people walk on the road with the dog or a child on their right. The danger of the dog suddenly being hit by an oncoming vehicle, or the child losing his or her grip and be knocked down.
When people refuse to accept that situations and people can change, and that means relationships also change.
When some people think that just because you don a particular hat, it is mandatory that you function in a certain way alone, and that out of the box thinking is taboo!
When people insist that we need to be ‘right’ in all that we say, think or do, feelings notwithstanding.
Mohana Narayanan
March 11,2011
The Hercules in us...
We all think differently don’t we? Between last night and today morning, there have been thoughts that i have not put on paper. But yesterday too, a lot of thoughts went unrecorded, for i somewhere kept thinking that they would gain the status of unwarranted thoughts, once there is a phone call, or a message or even a mail. But none came. Not even by a suggestion, was the thought conveyed that there was regret.
I read a book sometime back, where the deeds of Hercules, the greek warrior is taken as a backdrop to deal with the demons in our own minds. Each problem is a battle that the Hercules in us tries to fight, and if we want to win like Hercules did, then we need to fight right.
One of the battle is the battle of the egos. Does an apology constitute for the loss of this battle? I really don’t know. But i do know that to win a battle, apology can be a tool. And sometimes winning is not always everything you know.... If you are able to acknowledge and let the other person know that you feel the hurt, that you validate it, then you are verbalising your victory. But most of us find it so difficult to do so! Your own hurt you; and somewhere, i am able to understand that maybe it is only a preparation for greater battles. If i am able to survive this hurt, then strangers hurting me (which is bound to happen) would be something that i would handle as a cakewalk. So i thank all those who come close to me and give me this weapon to fight my battles! I am sure Hercules too did not have such preparations before he went to fight!
Mohana Narayanan
March 4, 2011
I read a book sometime back, where the deeds of Hercules, the greek warrior is taken as a backdrop to deal with the demons in our own minds. Each problem is a battle that the Hercules in us tries to fight, and if we want to win like Hercules did, then we need to fight right.
One of the battle is the battle of the egos. Does an apology constitute for the loss of this battle? I really don’t know. But i do know that to win a battle, apology can be a tool. And sometimes winning is not always everything you know.... If you are able to acknowledge and let the other person know that you feel the hurt, that you validate it, then you are verbalising your victory. But most of us find it so difficult to do so! Your own hurt you; and somewhere, i am able to understand that maybe it is only a preparation for greater battles. If i am able to survive this hurt, then strangers hurting me (which is bound to happen) would be something that i would handle as a cakewalk. So i thank all those who come close to me and give me this weapon to fight my battles! I am sure Hercules too did not have such preparations before he went to fight!
Mohana Narayanan
March 4, 2011
Past revisited...
I bumped into an acquaintance who had been very close to me and my family for quite sometime, but for reasons best left unquoted now, we fell apart, and slowly faded away from each others’ lives. Or so I thought. Today, when I was talking to her I realized that there was no aspect of my life that she was unaware of! And I did not have a clue as to what was happening in hers… And I realized later that it was because my family had decided to reconnect and somewhere I was left nursing the memories, and together with it, the hurts that they had left behind.
I was open to reconnecting; don’t get me wrong. It is just that the way it was done was somehow all wrong. I wish I could have had an opportunity to discuss what went wrong. I wish I had a family which understood that I needed this healing session between ourselves. But I guess it was not really important for them? And all through I claimed that it was okay for them to go ahead and build the bridge between themselves but I did not expect to be left behind on the shores! And today, when I am being questioned about facts which I did not know anyone else was aware of, it threw me! I somehow felt betrayed all over again, only this time by my own…
Mohana Narayanan
June 18,2011
I was open to reconnecting; don’t get me wrong. It is just that the way it was done was somehow all wrong. I wish I could have had an opportunity to discuss what went wrong. I wish I had a family which understood that I needed this healing session between ourselves. But I guess it was not really important for them? And all through I claimed that it was okay for them to go ahead and build the bridge between themselves but I did not expect to be left behind on the shores! And today, when I am being questioned about facts which I did not know anyone else was aware of, it threw me! I somehow felt betrayed all over again, only this time by my own…
Mohana Narayanan
June 18,2011
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
fated pronouncements
So, it is that time of the year when the results are out; they are out fast and furious, and before one registers the other is upon you, like blows in a concentration camp. The children and parents do not know what choice to make: if at all they are given a choice, that is. It is as if the fate is all written by a chosen few, sitting at the helm of the examiners’ pulpit, waiting to pronounce judgement on the basis of a couple of hours’ performance by a child, who has otherwise sweated it out throughout the year, qualified in a whole lot of fields like sports, art, debates, got nominated to positions of leadership in their institutions, which built in them a tremendous sense of self-confidence and made them walk mighty proud. Then here comes a bunch of people, who, on the basis of the child answering (or not answering) a couple of hundred questions supervised by a deadly clock which has got the timer moving, or under the supervision of a sand clock, brush aside the chances of the child getting an opportunity to be guided in an institution which would be able to hone the child’s skills further. Not taking into account the child’s personality, motivation, past performance and academic records.
How does one deal with such a system? How does one help a child to cope with such disappointments, and how does one tell a child, that this is not a judgment of his or her potential? And more so, if the child’s friends have got through, and they do not know how to handle their success, in the context of their friend’s so-called failure. So they do not call. Or if they do, they do not know what to say. Or they call someone else to find out what is happening.. Oh god, so much for education, so much for growth! You want to hug your child close to your heart and tell her, it does not matter, please do not punish yourself, please do not go away…. But suddenly you are not able to do that. You realize that overnight, your child has indeed grown up… and perhaps, grown away. The pronouncement of results did it! My daughter is no longer mine, but just a statistic, a figure in a list of numbers which decides where my daughter pursues her future!!!
Mohana Narayanan
June 1,2011
How does one deal with such a system? How does one help a child to cope with such disappointments, and how does one tell a child, that this is not a judgment of his or her potential? And more so, if the child’s friends have got through, and they do not know how to handle their success, in the context of their friend’s so-called failure. So they do not call. Or if they do, they do not know what to say. Or they call someone else to find out what is happening.. Oh god, so much for education, so much for growth! You want to hug your child close to your heart and tell her, it does not matter, please do not punish yourself, please do not go away…. But suddenly you are not able to do that. You realize that overnight, your child has indeed grown up… and perhaps, grown away. The pronouncement of results did it! My daughter is no longer mine, but just a statistic, a figure in a list of numbers which decides where my daughter pursues her future!!!
Mohana Narayanan
June 1,2011
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