We tend to view partnership as a one-sided contract, especially the type marital contracts are made of. The moment a relationship is formalized, the relationship dynamics change in most marriages. The stereotypical male would want the wife to fit into a perfect round hole that he has in his mind, cutting off the sides of the squares, so to speak. More often than not, he would see his mother in his wife, and the female partner sub-consciously would look for the man to fit into the mental picture she has of her partner, matching qualities of her father. This expectancy may set in either in the early days of the marriage, or much later, depending on the tolerance level of either of the partners. On the grounds of being ‘tolerant’, one man would continue to indulge his wife in maintaining her identity and going against the established tenets of his family background, till she is fully convinced that her husband is okay with her being what she is. Then overnight, he would pull the rug under her feet, and have a tirade of accusations against her; she has not followed family traditions, she is being disrespectful, she is not being religious etc. etc. The girl would not know when this about turn occurred; when he was okay with her behavior just a few days back, the very same behavior becomes a major point of conflict between them, and ultimatums are flung at her.
I am not saying the girl would have been on her best code of behavior. There would have been a lot of power struggle, and attention seeking acts. But rather than handling it on a one-on-one basis, the husband has chosen to be permissive, and has swallowed what he would have actually wanted to do, simply for the sake of temporary peace, or for avoiding conflicts. Now suddenly for no major reason, he wants an out. He has been going through a lot for the past few years, and his patience has now reached rock bottom, he claims. It is amusing, to say the least, that when his cup of patience runs dry, that is the time when he decides the relationship needs a serious looking into, perhaps even end it, for there is nothing in it for him. What gives him the right to call the shots? The girl is still reeling under the shock of the fact that the entire past marriage has been a sham, and all his so-called ‘allowance’ and indulgence and acceptance of her non-conservative behavior has been all a pretence. He may think that under this train of thought, she may buckle and sign on the dotted line, perhaps even wear the badge of divorcee on her sleeve, being the non-conformist that she is! But here ironically, the joke was on him… She believed in the age-old institution of marriage, and refused to even consider a parting of ways. He threaten to throw her out of the house; he demanded his parents stay out of the whole picture; he warned her that if she contests, then she will have to wash dirty linen in public (how come the dirty linen is only the girl’s not the boy’s, considering the marriage of both is breaking up?).
The girl refused to give in. After the initial distress she has gathered all her resources, her inner strength, and has dug her heels in. Her only grouse has been, if only he had been more honest in the past, though she would have initially found it difficult to adhere to the norms of the family, she would have settled in after the initial conflict, and inner turbulence. But this two-faced turnabout is something she says will take some time to sink in!
The last I knew the battle was still on; the threats were coming hard and fast; but she was no longer crying and weeping and pleading. She is trying to change herself, albeit slowly, and is firmly committed to her role as a mother and wife, the latter if he allows. But to be the mother, she does not need his permission. Kudos to womanhood, and a bow to her tremendous strength and will! I know she will come through this a change woman, and the superficial change of appearance is not the only change I am talking about.
2 comments:
Reading this blog entry, I have a small doubt.
What behavioural pattern is responsible for the initial lack of recognition of differences from the guy's angle in this type if scenarios? Is this plain old procrastination or is it a wrong sense of his own understandings of his needs/views? Or is it that the guy had gone for a compromise on his views without being aware of it, and then one fine morning realizes that he had compromised on something that he thought he would not compromise?
Is this pttern corresponding to a person who is a closet conservative, but interested in projecting himself as a liberal?
the writing says so: he had been permissive; and conflict avoidant. and yes, he is closet conservative, for he was 'liberal' when they were staying out of the country, as a nuclear family, but then when they
came into a joint family, i guess he got more 'courage' perhaps, from his family's presence to let the wife know what he actually wanted in his woman!
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