Changing tides

I had gone in for a book launch function, where parts of the book were read out by someone other than the author. After the reading was over and when the floor was thrown open for discussions, the lady who had done the reading had a question: Would the author consider writing a book on divorce? (The current book was on marriage) The question was fair enough: but what followed set me thinking…” It is not as if I do not believe in marriage; though I am a divorcee”, she declared.
Her question was perfectly acceptable; what stood out like a sore thumb was an unnecessary declaration of her marital status. I started wondering whether the fact that you are a divorcee today is a reflection of your mental strength! I mean, there was a time when there was stigma attached to you being a divorcee; it was a fate worse than being a widow! The social stigma was irreparable and a woman was scarred mentally and emotionally, for life. But today I think the scenario has changed. A woman is no longer blaming herself for a marriage gone wrong; she is willing to walk out on a relationship where she feels there is nothing coming for her, where there is nothing but compromises and where she does not feel respect and recognized. She has no qualms about declaring it in an open forum, even when the situation does not warrant it!
I have mixed messages regarding this stand. On one hand this apparent strength of a woman helps her cope with what probably would otherwise be a very traumatic event in her life. But when strength borders on defiance, I think it is time for a woman to do a reality check. Are we talking about the triumph of respect, dignity of a woman and her willingness to walk out of a failed relationship, or are we appreciating the defiant stand that she may be in danger of taking, simply because she is laying down terms in a relationship? There are no blanket rules, for the simple reason, each marriage is different. What concerns me though is the current trend of the issues over which divorce is being sought, which somehow makes me feel that the institution of marriage is being tossed around like a ship without a rudder. The casual nature of a marriage ending in a divorce is making me feel very uncomfortable.
Marriage needs to be worked at. A relationship that enters your life after almost one-third of it is over, definitely needs more care and nurturing. It is not a natural relationship: whether it be a love marriage, or an arranged one. The lessons need to be learnt what would otherwise come naturally with people you grow up with. One needs to learn how to play more roles, discharge more responsibilities. The bonding is to be brought about consciously and perhaps even very formally.
But I think the very fact that partners think things should fall in place right from day one of the marriage, lays weak foundations. This expectation escalates into strong opinions where unresolved conflicts assume gigantic proportions. It somehow becomes too much of an effort to accommodate someone else into your life; and it becomes too much of an effort to try and become someone you are not. When thus an option is available which is not very difficult to opt for, then why not take it? I think this also is a question of which came first: the chicken or the egg? Is divorce as an option being considered because it is easier to obtain, and also the stigma is not so great today, or is it the other way around?
Mohana Narayanan
June 15,2010