I recently read a book, in which the author writes about supporting the dying. The ones who are transgressing to the other world are losing a whole world together; their life, their job, their loved ones, their very existence… so, they need all the support they can get. What a profound statement, and how revealing. Here, we are not able to cope with a simple, single, materialistic loss. More important, others do not know how to cope with your loss! Of course the platitudes come in, comforting words are rendered at the right moment, in the right tone, but that is just about it. Afterwards, when the person really is down and out, no one is around to hold a hand. After all, how long can one cope with another’s loss right?
Wrong. A cousin of mine lost his job a few months back. It was unexpected, sudden and mind-boggling. They did not know what hit them, and both he and his wife went on auto-pilot. They accepted phone-calls, assurances which came in during the first few days of the blow, when they did not even know what was happening. When the fact finally hit them, and they were coming to terms with it, and learnt to live with it, they found they had other crosses to bear. They had people falling out of their lives. They all trickled away, one by one, maybe not knowing what to talk to the “losers”. Maybe they felt uncomfortable, calling up talking about inconsequential things, when they could not offer any solution to the major problem this couple had on hand.
But I ask, is it really necessary to call only if you have a job to offer this person? Couldn’t one just call and find out how they were doing? After all, day in and day out, they were immersed only in this problem; they would have welcomed a diversion. Lest you think otherwise, they are not the whining kind: they have been coping with the issue on their own, never asked for favours, never borrowed money (which all might be reasons for people hesitating to call!) But yes, they have missed people; people who they thought would be around to just offer moral support. Just a phone call once in a while would have definitely helped the other to know he or she is still wanted, is still cared for and loved, irrespective of the fact that he does not hold a lucrative job, or a visiting card.
There is another angle to the issue. You also have another set of people, the close, family people, who get the impression that he is whiling away his time, just because he listens to music, or gets ‘side-tracked’ by other issues (which keeps him sane in moments of desperation). Why does he not apply for jobs, instead of….they query. How intensely comforting! They safely conclude that he is not trying hard enough! Or… How come he has not got a job till now? They wonder... Well, jobs are not exactly the Indian population you know, they don’t multiply like rabbits. To such people yes, they would be grateful if they don’t call and enquire; for they do more harm than good!
Offer support when it is needed and the way it is needed: sometime, simply by being there is enough. Let us not do the disappearing act, just because we cannot give the person what he has lost; sometimes, they are not even looking for that; they are simply looking for comfort, assurance, that it is not the end of the world. And if our presence can give one this feeling, is it too much to ask?
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