I read a very beautiful saying about apology which goes like this:
There are three parts to an apology: I am sorry, It is my fault, and what can I do about it? It is so true! First, most of us find it difficult to apologize, for we think that apologizing means that we are accepting responsibility for a mistake and we hate to do that! That explains the second part of the apology: How many of us can upfront take the onus for a fault? And the final part, as to the remedial measures to be taken, is the hardest part of it all! We are painfully aware that to take corrective action would put us in a spot where we would be required to change the way we think, the way we would respond further to any situation, and any change is resisted!
We can explain away any unacceptable behaviour in the other person, but this action of discounting can happen only when we are in a calm frame of mind, or are able to be in a position where rational thinking can be counted upon. In case we too are in a state of mind where a slight deviation from normal acceptable behaviour can act as a trigger, the whole thing escalates to a downward spiral, and there are uncountable damages to be accounted for!
I experienced one such incident a short time ago. A friend of mine, apparently very upset at something that i had no clue about, when greeted by me cheerfully turned around and snapped at me in a way that left me wondering whether i had committed the eighth sin by greeting her! It added to my embarassment that it happened in a very public place and i had to walk away with the smile stuck to my face, while i was seething inside, for i did not want to be party to any ugly scene and offer a free entertainment show to visitors. I calmed down while i was driving back home from work but it continued to bother me, so i sent her a message asking her to let me know when she would be free to talk. There was no response for two whole days. I decided to forget about it, though i was nursing my hurt privately, as one of my new year resolution was that i was never going to give anybody the satisfaction of knowing that they have succeeded in hurting me!
Then, suddenly i get this call where i am given details of how the day went, how that particular day was very stressful, and how she had been unable to handle things and that things were getting out of hand.... I waited. And waited. And waited. But only explanations came: no talk of, i am sorry for how i behaved! At the end, when she got away from the topic, i just made a comment saying that i was upset because i was placed in a situation where i had to explain her behaviour, without knowing facts, and it was more of an embarassment than anything else.
Are explanations good enough i wonder? Even if it is between very good friends? Are there any norms even in close relationships, where courtesy and manners strengthen the bonds? Sometimes it matters that you apologize, verbalise your feeling bad about something, however close your relationship. It helps to validate the other person’s hurt and say it was not something that should have happened.
But all this never happened. And that is when i realised that in any relationship, unless we have a code of conduct, we would always be in danger of being taken for granted. Let this be a lesson for me: let me remember to thank all the good friends in my life for all that they have done for me, acknowledge them as a part of my evolution, and if i know i have hurt them apologize for the hurt. Let me not contribute to more angst than there is in the world! And for this wisdom, for this learning, thank you dear friend!!!
Mohana Narayanan
February 23,2011
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