Sunday, June 10, 2012
Getting away
I am always amused by the fact that when i am away on a holiday, i am awake bright and early, but in the daily grind, when i am required to do so, i toss and turn, and require an external ring to jolt me awake! I finished my stretches looking out at the sea, waiting for the sun to rise.
All i can hear around me, when i am sitting at the balcony looking out at the sea in the distance is the chirping of the birds, the wind through the cashew trees. The bumble bee seemed to be very choosy, taking its time to settle on a flower, and i could also hear the buzzing of its wings, the absence of which was noticeable when it finally did so I never knew sounds could be so palpable; or was it so because i am so aware, so tuned in to all my senses, that i am able to experience everything going on around me ?
In the daily humdrum of existence we are living parallel lives i guess. While we are up and running, we do not have time to listen to the subtle nuances of our lives, and we seem to need to tune in consciously before we can experience the calm stillness that i am doing so now.
Yet i am not fully unwound. The stillness around me denoted a sense of calmness, while the noise of my thoughts was almost deafening. A result of habit i guess. They flit from one thought to the other, like the bumblebee. But the bee flitting seems to have a sense of purpose; it seemed to be its nature to do so. My thoughts seemed purposeless, and did not seem to offer any nectar when they did rest on one particular subject ! Living with the present moment awareness i guess is just that... Let your thoughts rest.
The sound of swishing water made me look around... A little boy was clearing the dead leaves from the swimming pool, which had a quaint tree right in the centre of the pool! The birds sitting on the tree flew away, annoyed perhaps at someone having intruding into their morning litany. Much as i would have loved to sit around and gaze out of the balcony, the clearing of the pool denoted the fact that nature would have to step aside for the order of civilization, where we humans intrude on the privacy of the squirrels chasing each other on the branches and on the parapets and drown the sounds of birds, with the roars or vehicles, and the ringing of the telephone ordering for room service!
Maybe that is also why the sun, which looked so beautiful and serene just a while ago, is now beating down my face even glaring at me.... The heat is on !
Mohana Narayanan
May 5, 2012
Words,words,words...
How difficult it is to get your point of view across to someone who insists on personalizing everything you tell them as darts thrown at them?
My client's daughter was due for her driving license renewal, and she was too close to the expiry date for her to go for the test. What started off as a discussion on the subject turned out to be quite an ugly debate on who is to take the blame for this delay. My client insisted on substituting the word blame with the word responsibility. When her daughter tearfully said that she felt nervous when her father sat near her when she was driving, he started a long-winded explanation of how he has always encouraged her and how could she accuse him of discouraging her. Her trying to tell him that feeling nervous and feeling nervous were two separate feelings, did not seem to get across. He kept insisting that he had no part to play in the situation that existed, while her exercise was to try and identify each one's contribution to the current state of affairs.
There were two points she said she wanted to clarify. The first was that it was not an exercise at blame game. She stated she took the responsibility of not following up for getting enough practice classes for her. She also took the responsibility of not making sure she realized the importance of doing this at the right time so that she does not work on a crisis management system.
She was also specific that her daughter owns up to her share of not doing what she had to : her taking onus of making sure she was ready for the test. Being a very responsible person, capable of being trusted to do her own thing, it was definitely a lapse on her part, especially since it was happening the second time. This was the learning for her, and the reason for this insistence was that she wanted to be sure the child understood that.
It takes a lot to do that : own up to your shortcomings. My client was ready to label herself a nag, as she tends to continue reminding people to do something they are supposed to; She also apologized for not having followed up, as she could have, even at the cost of reinforcing that label, avoided this situation ; and ended the discussion by again apologizing for any hurts that may have been caused during the confrontation.
But the father refused to be compliant. He insisted on believing that when she said she was nervous, he was discouraging her. He also insisted on believing that there was absolutely nothing he could have done to salvage the situation, and went off on a tangent of how he cannot do anything, without feeling he is being targeted. My client just gave up. And realized that when we are faced with any set of situation, rather than learning from what happened, all we do is resort to fault finding and digging into our deep boxes of revenge and start hurling the darts at each other. What kind of conflict resolution is that ? And then we blame the universe for sending us lessons again and again, when we do not learn the first time over!
I guess that was my learning !
Mohana Narayanan
May 17,2012
Coping by avoidance
Today a friend of mine told me that she would avoid all those discussions with me which would cause me to hurt from inside, meaning,reporting those incidents or episodes where she feels I have had an unfair deal and she would not have had the power to stop it happening. It set me thinking: is that the method I would employ to deal with my hurts ... Not talking about it? Was it not her way of coping with her hurt which stemmed from her feeling of being helpless in mending the situation? I would not like to be protected from hurts by well-meaning friends building a wall of protection, consciously not allowing me to be privy to any information which would cause hurt. I would rather have the brickbats and develop my resilience against them. Agreed, the process may be extremely painful, it may appear to some as being masochistic! But that is what life is all about I feel, growing from pain, either dulling yourself to it, or desensitizing yourself to it, or evolving a stronger person from it. How else do you explain evolution?
I also feel certain amount of artificiality would creep into the relationship if we start this process of information filtration, simply because we doubt the person's ability or emotional quotient to deal with the information.
I do not subscribe to the fact that what you do not know, does not hurt you.
Facts have a strange way of getting to you, and I have found this happening once too many times in my life ! I'd rather have them from my friends, than them reaching me from the bulletin board! But again, these friends feel discomfort for being the bearer of unpleasant tidings, and so would like to avoid the topic altogether. I understand where they are coming from, and somewhere they may even hold themselves responsible for the pain they are causing me. Well, it would look like how in the olden times, some kings would behead the messenger who would bring bad news to court! That surely is not the case right? The bearer of badness not responsible for them...
MOHANA NARAYANAN
Sunday, March 04, 2012
Who is to take Blame?
WHO IS TO TAKE THE BLAME.?
My telephone chat was rudely interrupted by a flash on the TV screen which said a boy had brutally killed his teacher. Cutting the call, I surfed various channels, trying to get more information. Everywhere, the information focused on how the dastardly act had been committed, a life cut short, the experts being contacted, who would give the same reasons over and over again... Every time a murder happens, we go through this drama : a child is aggressive, or the child decides to indulge in self-harm. So we start a frantic discussion, there are knee-jerk reactions and government sends out further policies how how education needs to be handled by the teachers.My question is, why don't we take proactive steps to make the society a better place to live in? Yes, the stress levels are high, parents, teachers, schools, all play a part in shaping a child's future and emotional health. Why are we not able to understand the priorities, and instead focus on what is important for us, from our perspective?
For high achieving parents, their child is a show piece, a trophy. He has to listen to what the parents have decided for him. Now this is conveyed either through authoritative parenting style with rewards and punishments thrown in, or through permissive styles, indulging the child all the time. The product of the former style of parenting grows up resentful, a victim of power, and at the slightest opportunity, he rebels against authority. Displaced aggression, we call it. These parents fail to see warning signals in the deterioration of the child's emotional health. He would either withdraw into himself, become a loner and not have any hobbies or interests to de stress himself. Alternatively, he may become very violent in another environment, a typical bully. Perhaps parents fail to notice all this because they are caught up in the many other roles they play, and the issues involved therein.
This pressure cooker environment in the child gives way at some slight trigger and the next moment we see a wasted life! Now does that mean the child should never be chastised? Certainly not. But we need to teach a child how to handle criticism, and failure; and to do this we need to start in the first school of life called home. It is a preparatory ground for the larger world outside. When we sit down, play board games and other unstructured games with the child (read spend meaningful times), we need to teach them how winning is not the important thing, but playing together, having fun is. We need to teach them healthy conflict resolution so that when they go up to be self-thinking individuals, they learn to handle intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships well.
They need to be taught that they need to take responsibility for their lives; let us do away with parenting which begs children to get up early go to school on time, get their own stuff to school and do their own studying, without the parents or the maids waiting on them hands and foot. When i see parents telling me they do all this for their adolescent children too, i wonder for whom the child is attending school! These children grow up with the "the world owes me syndrome" and cannot take anybody telling them off. As Midrash said, "If you dont teach the ox to plow when he is young, it is difficult to teach him when he is old ".
At the other end of the spectrum of parenting are those parents who think nothing of whacking their children or using abusive language at them, to get them to do what they want, resulting in children with a broken spirit. When these children decide to act, we have the juvenile homes filling up.
We can resort to blame games; schools can blame the parents, parents threaten to sue schools for not taking care of the children. Where is the primary responsibility? How can schools shape character when the parents refuse to cooperate, and thus you have two teams playing throw ball here with the child. Neither of the team want the ball in their court! Wouldn't it be easier and healthier if the parents understand that they need to be on the same side of the fence to bring up their child?
Every time a school sends for the parent to discuss a child, or refer to the school counselor, it is a tug of war. Getting them to come for the meeting is a herculean job; getting them to meet the counselor is even worse. And if and when the meeting does take place, very few parents accept responsibility for their share of the problem. Most counselors i am sure will agree with me when i say dealing with the parents is a greater challenge, than dealing with the children! Of course, in today's difficult and fast changing society set-up, healthy parenting is one of the greatest challenges, and i empathize with the parents.... However how does just empathy help? How do you help people who are not willing to be helped?
Explore the parenting, and you have most unhealthy styles surfacing. One parent would be permissive, the other authoritative. One parent would use the child to get back at the partner the child learns manipulation techniques. The partners do not have a healthy marriage and the child is caught in the cross fire. The list could go on.
Eric Berne said " Mothers give sons permission to be a prince, but the father must show him how. Fathers give permission to their daughters to be princesses but the mothers must show her how. Otherwise, both boys and girls will grow up and always see themselves as frogs". I am sure nobody could put across the importance of shared parenting better !
The saddest part is when it comes to academics. An under-performing child is a cause of concern for a school. When singled out, and after possible exploration, it could surface that the child needs special help. Intervention at the right time and in the right manner would help the child get back on line,and he would not manifest other issues of self esteem and self confidence which would have taken a beating because of consistent non-performance. But it is practically impossible to make the parents understand this, and these individuals in denial resort to the convenient law framed by the government which does not allow detention of any child till class VIII. So these children get promoted to the succeeding classes till they are faced with the terrible stress of board exams. Help when reached out for comes too late, and desperate situations call for desperate measures.
When we talk of taking onus for a situation, who is to do that in this case? Let us be practical. With the teeming numbers in classes, it is not humanly possible for teachers to give individual attention to each child. Even in cases where the teacher seeks the parents' help in understanding the kind of help the child needs, the latter by and large refuse to take the necessary steps and go to the extent of telling them school or the teacher they are not doing their jobs.
Schools on their part need to set up resource rooms where these children can be sent for remediation. If finance is an issue, then let them get together with the parent and reach a consensus about helping the child.
Let us educate the teachers and parents about the schools not being factories where the finished goods are either damaged, rejected or passed by quality controls set by the society.
Let us treat children for what they are: as Khalil Gibran says....
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
Mohana narayanan
February 12,2012
My telephone chat was rudely interrupted by a flash on the TV screen which said a boy had brutally killed his teacher. Cutting the call, I surfed various channels, trying to get more information. Everywhere, the information focused on how the dastardly act had been committed, a life cut short, the experts being contacted, who would give the same reasons over and over again... Every time a murder happens, we go through this drama : a child is aggressive, or the child decides to indulge in self-harm. So we start a frantic discussion, there are knee-jerk reactions and government sends out further policies how how education needs to be handled by the teachers.My question is, why don't we take proactive steps to make the society a better place to live in? Yes, the stress levels are high, parents, teachers, schools, all play a part in shaping a child's future and emotional health. Why are we not able to understand the priorities, and instead focus on what is important for us, from our perspective?
For high achieving parents, their child is a show piece, a trophy. He has to listen to what the parents have decided for him. Now this is conveyed either through authoritative parenting style with rewards and punishments thrown in, or through permissive styles, indulging the child all the time. The product of the former style of parenting grows up resentful, a victim of power, and at the slightest opportunity, he rebels against authority. Displaced aggression, we call it. These parents fail to see warning signals in the deterioration of the child's emotional health. He would either withdraw into himself, become a loner and not have any hobbies or interests to de stress himself. Alternatively, he may become very violent in another environment, a typical bully. Perhaps parents fail to notice all this because they are caught up in the many other roles they play, and the issues involved therein.
This pressure cooker environment in the child gives way at some slight trigger and the next moment we see a wasted life! Now does that mean the child should never be chastised? Certainly not. But we need to teach a child how to handle criticism, and failure; and to do this we need to start in the first school of life called home. It is a preparatory ground for the larger world outside. When we sit down, play board games and other unstructured games with the child (read spend meaningful times), we need to teach them how winning is not the important thing, but playing together, having fun is. We need to teach them healthy conflict resolution so that when they go up to be self-thinking individuals, they learn to handle intrapersonal and interpersonal relationships well.
They need to be taught that they need to take responsibility for their lives; let us do away with parenting which begs children to get up early go to school on time, get their own stuff to school and do their own studying, without the parents or the maids waiting on them hands and foot. When i see parents telling me they do all this for their adolescent children too, i wonder for whom the child is attending school! These children grow up with the "the world owes me syndrome" and cannot take anybody telling them off. As Midrash said, "If you dont teach the ox to plow when he is young, it is difficult to teach him when he is old ".
At the other end of the spectrum of parenting are those parents who think nothing of whacking their children or using abusive language at them, to get them to do what they want, resulting in children with a broken spirit. When these children decide to act, we have the juvenile homes filling up.
We can resort to blame games; schools can blame the parents, parents threaten to sue schools for not taking care of the children. Where is the primary responsibility? How can schools shape character when the parents refuse to cooperate, and thus you have two teams playing throw ball here with the child. Neither of the team want the ball in their court! Wouldn't it be easier and healthier if the parents understand that they need to be on the same side of the fence to bring up their child?
Every time a school sends for the parent to discuss a child, or refer to the school counselor, it is a tug of war. Getting them to come for the meeting is a herculean job; getting them to meet the counselor is even worse. And if and when the meeting does take place, very few parents accept responsibility for their share of the problem. Most counselors i am sure will agree with me when i say dealing with the parents is a greater challenge, than dealing with the children! Of course, in today's difficult and fast changing society set-up, healthy parenting is one of the greatest challenges, and i empathize with the parents.... However how does just empathy help? How do you help people who are not willing to be helped?
Explore the parenting, and you have most unhealthy styles surfacing. One parent would be permissive, the other authoritative. One parent would use the child to get back at the partner the child learns manipulation techniques. The partners do not have a healthy marriage and the child is caught in the cross fire. The list could go on.
Eric Berne said " Mothers give sons permission to be a prince, but the father must show him how. Fathers give permission to their daughters to be princesses but the mothers must show her how. Otherwise, both boys and girls will grow up and always see themselves as frogs". I am sure nobody could put across the importance of shared parenting better !
The saddest part is when it comes to academics. An under-performing child is a cause of concern for a school. When singled out, and after possible exploration, it could surface that the child needs special help. Intervention at the right time and in the right manner would help the child get back on line,and he would not manifest other issues of self esteem and self confidence which would have taken a beating because of consistent non-performance. But it is practically impossible to make the parents understand this, and these individuals in denial resort to the convenient law framed by the government which does not allow detention of any child till class VIII. So these children get promoted to the succeeding classes till they are faced with the terrible stress of board exams. Help when reached out for comes too late, and desperate situations call for desperate measures.
When we talk of taking onus for a situation, who is to do that in this case? Let us be practical. With the teeming numbers in classes, it is not humanly possible for teachers to give individual attention to each child. Even in cases where the teacher seeks the parents' help in understanding the kind of help the child needs, the latter by and large refuse to take the necessary steps and go to the extent of telling them school or the teacher they are not doing their jobs.
Schools on their part need to set up resource rooms where these children can be sent for remediation. If finance is an issue, then let them get together with the parent and reach a consensus about helping the child.
Let us educate the teachers and parents about the schools not being factories where the finished goods are either damaged, rejected or passed by quality controls set by the society.
Let us treat children for what they are: as Khalil Gibran says....
Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life's longing for itself.
Mohana narayanan
February 12,2012
Validation....
We have read of master psychologists who have come up with various theories of different levels of consciousness. I have found this fact very intriguing, that what we actually is in reality, just a tip of the ice berg. A large chunk of us is the unconscious and the subconscious. The tip jutting out of the sea of existence is apparently the rational, judgmental part of ourselves, the self which maintains order in society, which convinces us to do the proper, right thing. Conflicts arise within us because we are governed by this aspect of ourselves and in this process, we tend to neglect the submerged parts. No wonder then, that there is so much conflict, both within ourselves and around us!
When we are faced with a conflict, two things happen: our feelings rush in demanding acknowledgement: raw, unprocessed feelings, which cannot be right or wrong; they are just that - feelings. Then, because we are programmed to be acting, thinking and feeling the right thoughts all the time, the conscious, rational mind tries to take charge of the situation. But then, what happens to these emotions which have been given birth to? They need to be attended to, and certified to existence. We call this process validation. Because feelings are not right or wrong, they just ARE. When we allow ourselves to experience these feelings, they are processed and during this time of processing, they are accorded the validation that is so important for the energy arising out of these emotions.
However, failing to understand the fact that this process bridges the gap between our conscious, right-minded thinking and our subconscious emotive reactions, the latter is side-stepped in our hurry to resolve issues, take stock of a critical situation, and move on in life.
Try it. The next time we are experiencing raw, volatile emotions, let us not become judgmental. Let us not try to rationalize either our feelings or the actions of anyone else. Just let us be with the feeling, allow ourselves the experience, however unpleasant or illogical or irrational it is. Then, once a certain time period has passed, there would be a closure, and we could move on to listening to our conscious, rational mind.
The next time also that we are called in to resolve any issue between two people, less us not become judgmental or interact with your rational, conscious mind. Let us try to be at the same wavelength as the other undergoing the pain, without jumping to a defense mode. This validation period would allow both of us to come to a balance when the boat would stead itself, and then the communication would be easier; simply because both of us would have been at the subconscious level, acknowledging the feelings, and then the conscious mind would be allowed to communicate effectively.
When we are faced with a conflict, two things happen: our feelings rush in demanding acknowledgement: raw, unprocessed feelings, which cannot be right or wrong; they are just that - feelings. Then, because we are programmed to be acting, thinking and feeling the right thoughts all the time, the conscious, rational mind tries to take charge of the situation. But then, what happens to these emotions which have been given birth to? They need to be attended to, and certified to existence. We call this process validation. Because feelings are not right or wrong, they just ARE. When we allow ourselves to experience these feelings, they are processed and during this time of processing, they are accorded the validation that is so important for the energy arising out of these emotions.
However, failing to understand the fact that this process bridges the gap between our conscious, right-minded thinking and our subconscious emotive reactions, the latter is side-stepped in our hurry to resolve issues, take stock of a critical situation, and move on in life.
Try it. The next time we are experiencing raw, volatile emotions, let us not become judgmental. Let us not try to rationalize either our feelings or the actions of anyone else. Just let us be with the feeling, allow ourselves the experience, however unpleasant or illogical or irrational it is. Then, once a certain time period has passed, there would be a closure, and we could move on to listening to our conscious, rational mind.
The next time also that we are called in to resolve any issue between two people, less us not become judgmental or interact with your rational, conscious mind. Let us try to be at the same wavelength as the other undergoing the pain, without jumping to a defense mode. This validation period would allow both of us to come to a balance when the boat would stead itself, and then the communication would be easier; simply because both of us would have been at the subconscious level, acknowledging the feelings, and then the conscious mind would be allowed to communicate effectively.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
THE HOUNDED COUNSELOR !
THE HOUNDED COUNSELOR !
Being in the helping profession brings with it so many travails that i have started feeling that unless you have the heart of a soldier, one will be sapped of all energy and you would become a client for counselling!
Being a practicing counsellor, i have come across people with very many kinds of problems, those that i have sometimes wondered whether they would qualify to be labelled at all as problems, and also those kinds where the issue would be so serious so as to call for medical intervention. But that is easier said than done. Clients refuse to accept the fact that their problems are pathological, and no amount of basic assessments showing them the scores which are statistically proved to be cause for concern are good enough to seek chemical intervention. Believe me, this denial is more difficult to treat than the actual problem!
I was approached by an elderly gentleman who was quite pushy when it came to meeting me as soon as possible, and i should have had my alarm bells ringing even then! But handling the call more as a counsellor than a person who felt coerced, i agreed to see him after adjusting my appointment diary. The session was an intake session, and it was followed by a couple of more sessions. For personal reasons, i was unable to follow up with more sessions immediately as he demanded, and i explained to him about the required intervels, and i agreed to take more sessions the following week.
This is where all the problems started. The client insisted i take continous sessions, and refused to listen to any logical explanations either about my unavailability or the necessity. Nothing i said seemed to get past him, and the messages on my phone started getting nasty. I bore it as long as i could; and then i just stopped responding when he demanded that i refund the fee for the sessions taken! Though i knew i was dealing with a client who had pathology and hence was giving him a long rope, i realised i had to stop being a counselor and become a person who was being a victim of cyber crime! I stopped responding to the messages, but there was only a lull before it started again, now in the form of emails.
I am still handling the issue, in the best way i can, without resorting to it becoming ugly. I know i only need to talk to a few people in his field of social circle, armed as i am with his diagnosis, for people to look down on him. But professional ethics do not allow me to do that. However, i am not very sure my basic survival instincts will not overtake my dedication to my profession very soon !
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Why receive?
It is a very difficult thing: this art of receiving. A client of mine was very upset that her daughter was not allowing her to celebrate her birthday. It was perhaps the last birthday they would have as a family, as the daughter was leaving home for higher studies. The celebration was also not something that was going to be very elaborate. Just a couple of friends over, people she would be very comfortable with, and maybe order food from outside and generally be very happy and joyful at home. But the daughter was so very vehement about not having the celebration, and this hurt the mother. Hurt her because the daughter was not able to understand how much this meant to my client. Hurt because the daughter was so much into celebrating other people’s birthdays, wishing them and making gifts for them….
She tried arguing, discussing it with her, and even went to the extent of talking to her daughter’s friend to try and convince her. Nothing worked, and she finally decided to let it be. Treat the day like any ordinary day. Treat the day like it was not a day that gave her a purpose to her life, the day this bundle of joy entered her life, and how every moment that she watched her grow, she felt fulfilled, and how being with her made all the pains bearable. It was a day when great things happened in the world: Some major discoveries were made, bombs burst, governments changed, and there were so many other incidents that would have hallmarked this year on the calendar. But for her, it was the birth of her daughter. Was it wrong on her part to allow her to rejoice the day? To make her daughter feel special?
I read somewhere a conversation between a pencil and an eraser, where the pencil feels sorry for the latter. I guess we all are like the erasers which somehow knows that one day it would be gone, and it would be replaced with a new one, but who is still happy with the job it is doing. Sometimes, along the way, they get hurt, they feel even unused at times, and when the eraser becomes too small by constant use, they are replaced. Does the pencil realize how it hurts the eraser at times, and does the pencil try and avoid making mistakes I wonder?
I have been a pencil too I guess in my life, and now it is my turn to be an eraser. Let me be the eraser and leave happy eraser shavings as memories for my children.
Mohana Narayanan
March 7,2011
She tried arguing, discussing it with her, and even went to the extent of talking to her daughter’s friend to try and convince her. Nothing worked, and she finally decided to let it be. Treat the day like any ordinary day. Treat the day like it was not a day that gave her a purpose to her life, the day this bundle of joy entered her life, and how every moment that she watched her grow, she felt fulfilled, and how being with her made all the pains bearable. It was a day when great things happened in the world: Some major discoveries were made, bombs burst, governments changed, and there were so many other incidents that would have hallmarked this year on the calendar. But for her, it was the birth of her daughter. Was it wrong on her part to allow her to rejoice the day? To make her daughter feel special?
I read somewhere a conversation between a pencil and an eraser, where the pencil feels sorry for the latter. I guess we all are like the erasers which somehow knows that one day it would be gone, and it would be replaced with a new one, but who is still happy with the job it is doing. Sometimes, along the way, they get hurt, they feel even unused at times, and when the eraser becomes too small by constant use, they are replaced. Does the pencil realize how it hurts the eraser at times, and does the pencil try and avoid making mistakes I wonder?
I have been a pencil too I guess in my life, and now it is my turn to be an eraser. Let me be the eraser and leave happy eraser shavings as memories for my children.
Mohana Narayanan
March 7,2011
Play time or marriage time?
I believe the cricket team of a particular country has suggested they want a psychologist on their team. The reason? Most of them are undergoing a turbulent marriage, because of the team members not spending enough time with their spouses, who are obviously feeling the disconnect. One member who has been married barely married for six months, has had a message from his wife saying she is unable to cope with the disconnection and would like to separate.
There are various questions that hit me as I read this. How is a psychologist going to reduce the distances between the couples I wonder? There can be only two people in the marriage; what is the psychologist going to do? Of course she can teach the nuances of the crucial elements in a marriage: the need to feel connected, feeling capable, having the feeling that you count in the marriage and have the courage to stay on in the relationship and make it work. And if any of these “C” is missing then the identification is successful; but after that what happens? Do you think any of the players would, say cut down on the trips he undertakes around the world cut down on the time he spends away from home, simply because one or more of the C is missing? How is he going to make the Connect come about, how is going to make the Count happen? So, is the need for a psychologist in the team to make the team players not get disturbed by the dissonance in their family life so that they can play better and enhance the cricket craze I wonder, or is it a genuine need for their emotional well-being and concern for their personal life? On part of the spouse, any one is going to feel the absence of their partners for such extended period of time, more so when they are newly married Would it have been too much to ask from this player to put aside or cut down on the playtime and spend more time enhancing their marriage, so that her basic need of Connect and Count is fulfilled? Or is the argument that she knew he was a player when he got married, so she walked into it with her eyes open? I really don’t know. Matters of the heart are not ruled by rational of knowledge.
Not that the separation is any better if the marriage is older, but again that depends on the kind of bond they have developed over the years. If both of them have not developed this connect, but have simply been habituated to staying with each other, the separation may result in mild anxiety but both of them would manage to survive the separation, and may even at times enjoy the distance! The point here is then, how important is the quality of the marriage to either one of them. The emotional content and quotient is the benchmark of the success of the relationship.
The bottom line then, is that marriages last not because of proximity or physical appearances that get them best couple awards. Marriages survive because basically both the partners want it to happen, want it to survive the turbulence of a whole lot of external factors. But the creation of the marriage bubble is in the hands of the partners, and partners alone. What the team needs is not a psychologist or a marriage counselor; they need the understanding and the existence of the four crucial Cs: Identification of the same, and then working on developing the missing elements and making sure they continue to be there.
Mohana Narayanan
March 26th, 2011
There are various questions that hit me as I read this. How is a psychologist going to reduce the distances between the couples I wonder? There can be only two people in the marriage; what is the psychologist going to do? Of course she can teach the nuances of the crucial elements in a marriage: the need to feel connected, feeling capable, having the feeling that you count in the marriage and have the courage to stay on in the relationship and make it work. And if any of these “C” is missing then the identification is successful; but after that what happens? Do you think any of the players would, say cut down on the trips he undertakes around the world cut down on the time he spends away from home, simply because one or more of the C is missing? How is he going to make the Connect come about, how is going to make the Count happen? So, is the need for a psychologist in the team to make the team players not get disturbed by the dissonance in their family life so that they can play better and enhance the cricket craze I wonder, or is it a genuine need for their emotional well-being and concern for their personal life? On part of the spouse, any one is going to feel the absence of their partners for such extended period of time, more so when they are newly married Would it have been too much to ask from this player to put aside or cut down on the playtime and spend more time enhancing their marriage, so that her basic need of Connect and Count is fulfilled? Or is the argument that she knew he was a player when he got married, so she walked into it with her eyes open? I really don’t know. Matters of the heart are not ruled by rational of knowledge.
Not that the separation is any better if the marriage is older, but again that depends on the kind of bond they have developed over the years. If both of them have not developed this connect, but have simply been habituated to staying with each other, the separation may result in mild anxiety but both of them would manage to survive the separation, and may even at times enjoy the distance! The point here is then, how important is the quality of the marriage to either one of them. The emotional content and quotient is the benchmark of the success of the relationship.
The bottom line then, is that marriages last not because of proximity or physical appearances that get them best couple awards. Marriages survive because basically both the partners want it to happen, want it to survive the turbulence of a whole lot of external factors. But the creation of the marriage bubble is in the hands of the partners, and partners alone. What the team needs is not a psychologist or a marriage counselor; they need the understanding and the existence of the four crucial Cs: Identification of the same, and then working on developing the missing elements and making sure they continue to be there.
Mohana Narayanan
March 26th, 2011
Wish List!
There are so many things we need to set right in life, that I wonder whether one lifetime is enough to do so. Some of the issues that rankle me on a daily basis:
When people walk on the road with the dog or a child on their right. The danger of the dog suddenly being hit by an oncoming vehicle, or the child losing his or her grip and be knocked down.
When people refuse to accept that situations and people can change, and that means relationships also change.
When some people think that just because you don a particular hat, it is mandatory that you function in a certain way alone, and that out of the box thinking is taboo!
When people insist that we need to be ‘right’ in all that we say, think or do, feelings notwithstanding.
Mohana Narayanan
March 11,2011
When people walk on the road with the dog or a child on their right. The danger of the dog suddenly being hit by an oncoming vehicle, or the child losing his or her grip and be knocked down.
When people refuse to accept that situations and people can change, and that means relationships also change.
When some people think that just because you don a particular hat, it is mandatory that you function in a certain way alone, and that out of the box thinking is taboo!
When people insist that we need to be ‘right’ in all that we say, think or do, feelings notwithstanding.
Mohana Narayanan
March 11,2011
The Hercules in us...
We all think differently don’t we? Between last night and today morning, there have been thoughts that i have not put on paper. But yesterday too, a lot of thoughts went unrecorded, for i somewhere kept thinking that they would gain the status of unwarranted thoughts, once there is a phone call, or a message or even a mail. But none came. Not even by a suggestion, was the thought conveyed that there was regret.
I read a book sometime back, where the deeds of Hercules, the greek warrior is taken as a backdrop to deal with the demons in our own minds. Each problem is a battle that the Hercules in us tries to fight, and if we want to win like Hercules did, then we need to fight right.
One of the battle is the battle of the egos. Does an apology constitute for the loss of this battle? I really don’t know. But i do know that to win a battle, apology can be a tool. And sometimes winning is not always everything you know.... If you are able to acknowledge and let the other person know that you feel the hurt, that you validate it, then you are verbalising your victory. But most of us find it so difficult to do so! Your own hurt you; and somewhere, i am able to understand that maybe it is only a preparation for greater battles. If i am able to survive this hurt, then strangers hurting me (which is bound to happen) would be something that i would handle as a cakewalk. So i thank all those who come close to me and give me this weapon to fight my battles! I am sure Hercules too did not have such preparations before he went to fight!
Mohana Narayanan
March 4, 2011
I read a book sometime back, where the deeds of Hercules, the greek warrior is taken as a backdrop to deal with the demons in our own minds. Each problem is a battle that the Hercules in us tries to fight, and if we want to win like Hercules did, then we need to fight right.
One of the battle is the battle of the egos. Does an apology constitute for the loss of this battle? I really don’t know. But i do know that to win a battle, apology can be a tool. And sometimes winning is not always everything you know.... If you are able to acknowledge and let the other person know that you feel the hurt, that you validate it, then you are verbalising your victory. But most of us find it so difficult to do so! Your own hurt you; and somewhere, i am able to understand that maybe it is only a preparation for greater battles. If i am able to survive this hurt, then strangers hurting me (which is bound to happen) would be something that i would handle as a cakewalk. So i thank all those who come close to me and give me this weapon to fight my battles! I am sure Hercules too did not have such preparations before he went to fight!
Mohana Narayanan
March 4, 2011
Past revisited...
I bumped into an acquaintance who had been very close to me and my family for quite sometime, but for reasons best left unquoted now, we fell apart, and slowly faded away from each others’ lives. Or so I thought. Today, when I was talking to her I realized that there was no aspect of my life that she was unaware of! And I did not have a clue as to what was happening in hers… And I realized later that it was because my family had decided to reconnect and somewhere I was left nursing the memories, and together with it, the hurts that they had left behind.
I was open to reconnecting; don’t get me wrong. It is just that the way it was done was somehow all wrong. I wish I could have had an opportunity to discuss what went wrong. I wish I had a family which understood that I needed this healing session between ourselves. But I guess it was not really important for them? And all through I claimed that it was okay for them to go ahead and build the bridge between themselves but I did not expect to be left behind on the shores! And today, when I am being questioned about facts which I did not know anyone else was aware of, it threw me! I somehow felt betrayed all over again, only this time by my own…
Mohana Narayanan
June 18,2011
I was open to reconnecting; don’t get me wrong. It is just that the way it was done was somehow all wrong. I wish I could have had an opportunity to discuss what went wrong. I wish I had a family which understood that I needed this healing session between ourselves. But I guess it was not really important for them? And all through I claimed that it was okay for them to go ahead and build the bridge between themselves but I did not expect to be left behind on the shores! And today, when I am being questioned about facts which I did not know anyone else was aware of, it threw me! I somehow felt betrayed all over again, only this time by my own…
Mohana Narayanan
June 18,2011
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
fated pronouncements
So, it is that time of the year when the results are out; they are out fast and furious, and before one registers the other is upon you, like blows in a concentration camp. The children and parents do not know what choice to make: if at all they are given a choice, that is. It is as if the fate is all written by a chosen few, sitting at the helm of the examiners’ pulpit, waiting to pronounce judgement on the basis of a couple of hours’ performance by a child, who has otherwise sweated it out throughout the year, qualified in a whole lot of fields like sports, art, debates, got nominated to positions of leadership in their institutions, which built in them a tremendous sense of self-confidence and made them walk mighty proud. Then here comes a bunch of people, who, on the basis of the child answering (or not answering) a couple of hundred questions supervised by a deadly clock which has got the timer moving, or under the supervision of a sand clock, brush aside the chances of the child getting an opportunity to be guided in an institution which would be able to hone the child’s skills further. Not taking into account the child’s personality, motivation, past performance and academic records.
How does one deal with such a system? How does one help a child to cope with such disappointments, and how does one tell a child, that this is not a judgment of his or her potential? And more so, if the child’s friends have got through, and they do not know how to handle their success, in the context of their friend’s so-called failure. So they do not call. Or if they do, they do not know what to say. Or they call someone else to find out what is happening.. Oh god, so much for education, so much for growth! You want to hug your child close to your heart and tell her, it does not matter, please do not punish yourself, please do not go away…. But suddenly you are not able to do that. You realize that overnight, your child has indeed grown up… and perhaps, grown away. The pronouncement of results did it! My daughter is no longer mine, but just a statistic, a figure in a list of numbers which decides where my daughter pursues her future!!!
Mohana Narayanan
June 1,2011
How does one deal with such a system? How does one help a child to cope with such disappointments, and how does one tell a child, that this is not a judgment of his or her potential? And more so, if the child’s friends have got through, and they do not know how to handle their success, in the context of their friend’s so-called failure. So they do not call. Or if they do, they do not know what to say. Or they call someone else to find out what is happening.. Oh god, so much for education, so much for growth! You want to hug your child close to your heart and tell her, it does not matter, please do not punish yourself, please do not go away…. But suddenly you are not able to do that. You realize that overnight, your child has indeed grown up… and perhaps, grown away. The pronouncement of results did it! My daughter is no longer mine, but just a statistic, a figure in a list of numbers which decides where my daughter pursues her future!!!
Mohana Narayanan
June 1,2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Lessons in life!!!
I read a very beautiful saying about apology which goes like this:
There are three parts to an apology: I am sorry, It is my fault, and what can I do about it? It is so true! First, most of us find it difficult to apologize, for we think that apologizing means that we are accepting responsibility for a mistake and we hate to do that! That explains the second part of the apology: How many of us can upfront take the onus for a fault? And the final part, as to the remedial measures to be taken, is the hardest part of it all! We are painfully aware that to take corrective action would put us in a spot where we would be required to change the way we think, the way we would respond further to any situation, and any change is resisted!
We can explain away any unacceptable behaviour in the other person, but this action of discounting can happen only when we are in a calm frame of mind, or are able to be in a position where rational thinking can be counted upon. In case we too are in a state of mind where a slight deviation from normal acceptable behaviour can act as a trigger, the whole thing escalates to a downward spiral, and there are uncountable damages to be accounted for!
I experienced one such incident a short time ago. A friend of mine, apparently very upset at something that i had no clue about, when greeted by me cheerfully turned around and snapped at me in a way that left me wondering whether i had committed the eighth sin by greeting her! It added to my embarassment that it happened in a very public place and i had to walk away with the smile stuck to my face, while i was seething inside, for i did not want to be party to any ugly scene and offer a free entertainment show to visitors. I calmed down while i was driving back home from work but it continued to bother me, so i sent her a message asking her to let me know when she would be free to talk. There was no response for two whole days. I decided to forget about it, though i was nursing my hurt privately, as one of my new year resolution was that i was never going to give anybody the satisfaction of knowing that they have succeeded in hurting me!
Then, suddenly i get this call where i am given details of how the day went, how that particular day was very stressful, and how she had been unable to handle things and that things were getting out of hand.... I waited. And waited. And waited. But only explanations came: no talk of, i am sorry for how i behaved! At the end, when she got away from the topic, i just made a comment saying that i was upset because i was placed in a situation where i had to explain her behaviour, without knowing facts, and it was more of an embarassment than anything else.
Are explanations good enough i wonder? Even if it is between very good friends? Are there any norms even in close relationships, where courtesy and manners strengthen the bonds? Sometimes it matters that you apologize, verbalise your feeling bad about something, however close your relationship. It helps to validate the other person’s hurt and say it was not something that should have happened.
But all this never happened. And that is when i realised that in any relationship, unless we have a code of conduct, we would always be in danger of being taken for granted. Let this be a lesson for me: let me remember to thank all the good friends in my life for all that they have done for me, acknowledge them as a part of my evolution, and if i know i have hurt them apologize for the hurt. Let me not contribute to more angst than there is in the world! And for this wisdom, for this learning, thank you dear friend!!!
Mohana Narayanan
February 23,2011
There are three parts to an apology: I am sorry, It is my fault, and what can I do about it? It is so true! First, most of us find it difficult to apologize, for we think that apologizing means that we are accepting responsibility for a mistake and we hate to do that! That explains the second part of the apology: How many of us can upfront take the onus for a fault? And the final part, as to the remedial measures to be taken, is the hardest part of it all! We are painfully aware that to take corrective action would put us in a spot where we would be required to change the way we think, the way we would respond further to any situation, and any change is resisted!
We can explain away any unacceptable behaviour in the other person, but this action of discounting can happen only when we are in a calm frame of mind, or are able to be in a position where rational thinking can be counted upon. In case we too are in a state of mind where a slight deviation from normal acceptable behaviour can act as a trigger, the whole thing escalates to a downward spiral, and there are uncountable damages to be accounted for!
I experienced one such incident a short time ago. A friend of mine, apparently very upset at something that i had no clue about, when greeted by me cheerfully turned around and snapped at me in a way that left me wondering whether i had committed the eighth sin by greeting her! It added to my embarassment that it happened in a very public place and i had to walk away with the smile stuck to my face, while i was seething inside, for i did not want to be party to any ugly scene and offer a free entertainment show to visitors. I calmed down while i was driving back home from work but it continued to bother me, so i sent her a message asking her to let me know when she would be free to talk. There was no response for two whole days. I decided to forget about it, though i was nursing my hurt privately, as one of my new year resolution was that i was never going to give anybody the satisfaction of knowing that they have succeeded in hurting me!
Then, suddenly i get this call where i am given details of how the day went, how that particular day was very stressful, and how she had been unable to handle things and that things were getting out of hand.... I waited. And waited. And waited. But only explanations came: no talk of, i am sorry for how i behaved! At the end, when she got away from the topic, i just made a comment saying that i was upset because i was placed in a situation where i had to explain her behaviour, without knowing facts, and it was more of an embarassment than anything else.
Are explanations good enough i wonder? Even if it is between very good friends? Are there any norms even in close relationships, where courtesy and manners strengthen the bonds? Sometimes it matters that you apologize, verbalise your feeling bad about something, however close your relationship. It helps to validate the other person’s hurt and say it was not something that should have happened.
But all this never happened. And that is when i realised that in any relationship, unless we have a code of conduct, we would always be in danger of being taken for granted. Let this be a lesson for me: let me remember to thank all the good friends in my life for all that they have done for me, acknowledge them as a part of my evolution, and if i know i have hurt them apologize for the hurt. Let me not contribute to more angst than there is in the world! And for this wisdom, for this learning, thank you dear friend!!!
Mohana Narayanan
February 23,2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
BENDING RULES
How easy it is to spend your life finding faults! If your disposition is such that you definitely need full moon on all the days of the month, the summer and winter temperatures have to be predetermined and the needle on the barometer should be steady, imagine the kind of agony you would be living in, day in and day out! Yet inspite of knowing that control over these natural phenomena is out of bounds, if we have the fault finding gene predominantly floating around in our system, our life’s purpose is then programmed! We live our lives blaming everything and everyone we can lay our hands on, and if there were any jobs available for this post, most of us would be employed or be in the queue for the position!
We know there would be no conflict resolution as soon as one person counters the other with a fault that the other person has, instead of focusing on the current issue. This is what happens in most relationships, especially marital ones. The blame game goes on and on, and it leaves me wondering: Do you want to fight, or do you want to solve the problem? Finding a loophole in the other person’s behavior does not justify your stand: how do you assert your viewpoint at the expense of the other? How does it help in any resolution or arriving at an amicable solution? I know sometimes there are no resolutions to certain conflicts. If the husband is a stickler for perfectionism for example, he will hit the roof every time he sees a speck of dust on the centre table, or finds hair in the wash room. If the wife is the kind who lives her life by the clock, imagine how she would cope with the agony of a travelling husband or even one who is in the marketing and sales field! The partners would be labeled as shoddy and unclean, and unpunctual without any respect for time, respectively. These would become the battleground for conflicts where the underlying issues would also escalate and reach alarming proportions. I guess it would take a lot of looking from behind the mirror, to actually get into a frame of mind when we can think from the others’ perspective.
If only we are able to assimilate one simple fact: Not everybody lives by our rules: Each one of us is made different, and how many ever arguments we go through, if we insist on holding on to our view of an issue, the conflict is never resolved. Of course there are some conflicts that can never be resolved; conflicts that exist on issues dealing with family interpersonal clashes, conflicts even within ourselves where we keep wondering whether a certain step we have taken was in everybody’s best interests or not, conflicts that we sometime let go for we reach a catch 22 situation, and we know we cannot go further. In such cases, what do we do? Stewing in the cauldron never did anyone good. All we can do is to arrive at an impasse, let go of the emotional pain and get on with life. I know, it is easier said than done, and I am certainly not claiming to be a monk with profound insight or the temperance to follow this. But I can truthfully say that though the emotional memories surface, rationalizing happens faster with me nowadays than it did before, and I am able to set aside these issues and continue as my life unfolds. Now that is definitely good enough for me!
Mohana Narayanan
February 17, 2011
We know there would be no conflict resolution as soon as one person counters the other with a fault that the other person has, instead of focusing on the current issue. This is what happens in most relationships, especially marital ones. The blame game goes on and on, and it leaves me wondering: Do you want to fight, or do you want to solve the problem? Finding a loophole in the other person’s behavior does not justify your stand: how do you assert your viewpoint at the expense of the other? How does it help in any resolution or arriving at an amicable solution? I know sometimes there are no resolutions to certain conflicts. If the husband is a stickler for perfectionism for example, he will hit the roof every time he sees a speck of dust on the centre table, or finds hair in the wash room. If the wife is the kind who lives her life by the clock, imagine how she would cope with the agony of a travelling husband or even one who is in the marketing and sales field! The partners would be labeled as shoddy and unclean, and unpunctual without any respect for time, respectively. These would become the battleground for conflicts where the underlying issues would also escalate and reach alarming proportions. I guess it would take a lot of looking from behind the mirror, to actually get into a frame of mind when we can think from the others’ perspective.
If only we are able to assimilate one simple fact: Not everybody lives by our rules: Each one of us is made different, and how many ever arguments we go through, if we insist on holding on to our view of an issue, the conflict is never resolved. Of course there are some conflicts that can never be resolved; conflicts that exist on issues dealing with family interpersonal clashes, conflicts even within ourselves where we keep wondering whether a certain step we have taken was in everybody’s best interests or not, conflicts that we sometime let go for we reach a catch 22 situation, and we know we cannot go further. In such cases, what do we do? Stewing in the cauldron never did anyone good. All we can do is to arrive at an impasse, let go of the emotional pain and get on with life. I know, it is easier said than done, and I am certainly not claiming to be a monk with profound insight or the temperance to follow this. But I can truthfully say that though the emotional memories surface, rationalizing happens faster with me nowadays than it did before, and I am able to set aside these issues and continue as my life unfolds. Now that is definitely good enough for me!
Mohana Narayanan
February 17, 2011
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