Cross generations

Experience is the comb a wise man uses when he becomes bald, said someone. How true it should be, especially when one talks of generation gap, communication problems between two generations. But, unfortunately, the fact that the older generation has got a special comb to use does not make them see the fact that the younger generation has got a lot of hair on their heads!

How else do you explain the springing up of so many old age homes, households where there is constant bickering between the yesterdays and todays?

At the onset let me tell you, I have tremendous respect for grey hair (or a bald pate, as the case may be) and am willing to concede that they have a lot of leeway for their actions, simply because their process of atrophy is faster than that of the younger generation they live with.


But tell me, does one draw a line at doing what one has always been doing all their lives, so will continue to do so, whatever the circumstances, or does he or she try and see that time does not stand still, there are different perspectives to a situation and are willing to concede this fact?

This problem is not unique only to daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law (or fathers-in-law, as the case may be) though I must say that this problem is compounded in this particular relationship because of divergent backgrounds and families. This also happens between parents and children. The generation of today is facing more than double the stress of yesteryear; so it is more impatient, less tolerant and belligerent towards older people.

To give the devil its due, there are times when they hurt their roots, because they simply cannot display their aggression anywhere else.

But, because this situation is most common, that the younger generation is “expected to respect the elders, accept unquestioningly whatever they say, not to have a different opinion for themselves”, they are outright condemned as the party in fault whenever there is a dichotomy in this relationship.

But I have paused to wonder, has anyone ever thought of the fact that the parents could be equally responsible for what is happening to them? Because they are not willing to let go, insist on having only their way in a lot of issues, there is a battleground laid. There is confrontation: there are bitter words: and there is society waiting to say, see how ungrateful the children are!

Let me illustrate this: My friend lost her mother-in-law and had her father-in-law come and stay with her. She was only too happy to take care of him, and before he landed up at her place did her best she could to create a ‘space’ for him in her limited two-bedroom flat. She tried her best to follow his routine, for he lived by the clock.

But after living with him she realised she had a mammoth task ahead of her. She had to live with a living machine, who would insist on doing things just the way he liked. He would insist on having a bath just at the time when her daughter had to use the bathroom get ready for school. He would want to do his pooja just at the time when she had to dress up for school. If requested, he would nod his head, but continue to do exactly what he pleased.

He would drop snuff all over the place, insist on serving himself for lunch and dinner, and drop food all over. And to top it all, in spite of her best efforts at communication, he would barely acknowledge her presence. To the extent, that if there was someone at the door, he would just tell them she was not at home, and then when confronted, just say, he forgot she was at home!

He preferred having cold tea rather than ask her to heat it up for him! No amount of talking seemed any good. You might say, he was missing his wife, grieving for her, etc.

Yeah, I would agree to that if his behaviour had been the same with everyone. Visitors made him effusive, so much so, that the family members started saying that he was at his old self only when my friend was not around.

He would consume food which contained less salt, without asking for it, and when friends were over, he would complain that there had been no salt but he had had it anyway. When my friend’s parents were in town, he would barely talk to them, literally get up and walk away from the room when they were around.

Now I am not defending my friend, but suffice it to say that she is a warm human being, with a tremendous sense of duty. It kept her going. His non-interaction with his daughter-in-law filtered to his son also. He no longer even had normal conversation with him either, except to ask for the car, or ask to be dropped at his elder son’s place, whenever he felt he had to go there.

Though when my friend spoke to her husband about this issue, he was both a dutiful son and a loving husband. He sympathised with her, but told her that she had to speak to his father: he would not interfere, for though he understood her predicament perfectly, he knew how stubborn his father was and there would be no point telling him anything.

Any attempt at conversation, and his father would just get up and walk off or shut his eyes. Or worse still, switches on the TV! It is as if the son and his wife were responsible for his wife passing away. In retrospect, my friend’s mother-in-law, who had been full of life and people-oriented, must have never let this aspect of his personality come through as long as she lived by making up for his anti-social behaviour; she was always full of life, loved to be interacting with people and thought the world of her daughter- in- law.

My friend also knew this. So the story goes on. But that is not the point. The issue here is a battle of wills. How strong is your resilience against mine? My friend no longer talks to him on any issue, stays out of the house as much as possible, and when at home, is in her room. It is as if there are two strangers thrown together by fate so are trying to wait for time to provide a solution.

But the waiting is torturous for my friend, who is barely able to sustain her temper at times. She also hates herself for becoming what she has for that is not her. So it is a constant see-saw. He does not seem to be affected in any manner at the situation, for he is fully functional: he has his meals provided on time; he has his paper delivered to him, he as a room to himself, literally ousting his granddaughter, (with whom also he has minimum of interaction).

How does one blame the younger generation in this case? Who is to let go? Who is to understand? And who is to face the reality? That all along things cannot run his way but that there are other people who exist in this world besides him?