There are a lot of activities that mankind can do on his own; save one. That is communication. Of course he can communicate with himself but barring that, it is one of the basic tenets of the act of communication that you need a receiver and a originator of a thought, for active communication to happen. Now, the presence of two individuals alone in an act is not enough. The willingness to communicate is the most important ingredient I feel, more than the presence of any other factors that are normally listed as principles of effective communication. This is very obvious, as when one individual, in all good intention, conveys her thoughts to her partner and would want a reciprocal acknowledgment at least, of her feelings and thoughts, and the partner chooses to remain silent. I mean, how much more passive can aggression get?
I had a client who came in for a session, very troubled by the fact that she is no longer able to communicate effectively with her husband. One of the major accusations he has against her is that if they have an argument, she would always succeed in convincing him to see her point of view, because she is a much better speaker than he is, so he chooses to avoid talking about the conflicting issues! She admitted that she was a forceful speaker, and she realized that this could be a reason for his not talking out things. She then resorted to sending him mails on issues that bothered her and she wanted sorted out, for she was unable to simply let go of issues without reaching an emotional closure. She had always prided on the fact that they both had their share of conflicts but they have been able to talk it out and resolve it. Since she did not want him to feel she had an upper hand on issues, simply because of her ability to verbalise her thoughts more effectively than him, she thought writing to him would appear to him to be less confrontational. What hurt her now was the fact that he did not even bother to acknowledge her mail! It made her feel it no longer mattered to him what went on in her mind; or that things that were unresolved were of no consequence to him… Did it mean she also as a person mattered less?
I was not very sure. This is only a case in point. Seeing this in a larger perspective, why do we choose to ignore messages? In an age of technology, where we jump up when we receive a message tone on our phones, why is it that subtle messages sent by loved ones through silence, through body languages and signals are totally ignored? I am sure my client would have sent enough silent messages about her distress, before resorting to technology!

Mohana Narayanan
January 1,2011