It is indeed sad how a person is not able to respect another’s need for space in a relationship. One may think it is banter or even taking liberty, when acting in a particular manner, but does he or she realize the level of discomfort the receiver goes through, without resorting to putting their foot down, because they do not want the encroachment to happen? Many a beautiful friendship and relationship has been lost out, simply because this basic respect for the other person is not maintained.
I had a friend (call I use that word I wonder?) with whom I got in touch with, through my writings. We exchanged messages and ideas and we seemed to be on the same page on a lot of things that we discussed. But somewhere down the line, I started feeling the questions were becoming a little too many, the ideas were becoming a little too forceful and the boundaries were becoming a little too diffused. I don’t mean there was any wrong message being conveyed; just that persistence on some issues was becoming uncomfortable. I guess this is what one means by connect. I would expect a person who I think understands me or with whom I am able to connect would be also able to understand certain unstated messages, or ulterior transactions. Somewhere down the line, I missed this connect. Not even saying things outright to this person and clarifying my stand on certain issues was able to convince this person that I meant what I said. It does get draining after a while, and what starts off as a possibly enjoyable fulfilling relationship comes across as a strain and heavy to hold on to! I wonder whether I was really wrong in understanding this person initially, or whether I overestimated this person’s emotional quotient. Whatever the case, when I gave my point of view, it was not accepted and the defenses came on so strong, it answered my earlier question: I overestimated this person’s e.q.! I would have thought that once my stand was understood, we would realign our thoughts and carry on our intellectual conversations. But obviously, the miffed reply made one thing very clear to me: I cannot communicate as well with anybody as I can do with myself: hence the blogging!
I guess this is what one means by intrapersonal conversation. I am very happy with my own thoughts for there is none that I need to convince, none that I need to please, except myself. Long live Thoreau! Though this world I am living in is not my Walden Pond, I would soon create one of my own!
Mohana Narayanan
January 30,2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
UNNAMED DISCONNECT !!!
It is difficult to sometimes answer a client’s questions, especially when it has nothing to do with their troubles, but more to do with how I fare as a counselor, listening to people’s woes day in and day out!
I wish I could tell them; my professional domain is separate from my personal one, but at times it does merge. A close friend of mine called in today after quite a while and we got chatting, and during the course of our conversation, she wanted my counselor to surface! How to handle a spouse who no longer seems to be actually bothered about how she feels, she wondered? Superficially they were getting along just fine; he was going about his life, she was going about hers. There had been an undercurrent of discord for sometime, but while earlier he would be willing to sit and talk things out, of late she had found that he was not even evincing an interest to even counter her queries or respond to them, let alone initiate heart to heart conversations. Functional communication was happening, not interpersonal ones. She was not able to understand how to handle this, according to her, utter passivity and nonchalance when it came to understanding her need for emotional sustenance.
I guess this does happen in very close relationships, where you have not been really very honest with each other. The connect seems to start disconnecting! It is not being taken for granted; it is just that one person in the relationship may start feeling the need for a change in the way he or she may look at issues, which may not be the same perspective the partner has. This change does happen naturally, and I guess neither of them are to be blamed. I guess it has got more to do with the growth and the way individuals evolve over a period of time, and sometimes this intrapersonal evolving does surface as distance in what would otherwise seem to be a very harmonious relationship.
Then how do we get around resolving this constant conflict? It is all the more difficult, since the conflict is not very overt either. Well, one way out would be honest communication. Whether the resultant environment is to the satisfaction of both the parties involved, at least the connect is reestablished, and the hurt person has the satisfaction of knowing that the thoughts have been conveyed. Resort to electronic means of communication if need be: the mail, the chat rooms etc. I remember seeing a movie where total disconnect sets in between the partners and the wife is feeling extremely lonely. For want of anything better to do, she gets to chatting with a stranger and finds that she is really able to interact with him and they seem to understand each others’ feelings so well. Towards the end of the movie, they decide to meet, both with a sense of guilt and apprehension. Yeah you guessed right. The stranger was her husband! In the midst of his climbing up the corporate ladder, he too had started missing companionship and did not know how to connect back to his wife.
What resulted was a redefining of their relationship, a better understanding, and a greater bond. Admittedly, it was a movie but then don’t they say that somewhere the lines between fiction and reality gets blurred???
Mohana Narayanan
January 19,2011
I wish I could tell them; my professional domain is separate from my personal one, but at times it does merge. A close friend of mine called in today after quite a while and we got chatting, and during the course of our conversation, she wanted my counselor to surface! How to handle a spouse who no longer seems to be actually bothered about how she feels, she wondered? Superficially they were getting along just fine; he was going about his life, she was going about hers. There had been an undercurrent of discord for sometime, but while earlier he would be willing to sit and talk things out, of late she had found that he was not even evincing an interest to even counter her queries or respond to them, let alone initiate heart to heart conversations. Functional communication was happening, not interpersonal ones. She was not able to understand how to handle this, according to her, utter passivity and nonchalance when it came to understanding her need for emotional sustenance.
I guess this does happen in very close relationships, where you have not been really very honest with each other. The connect seems to start disconnecting! It is not being taken for granted; it is just that one person in the relationship may start feeling the need for a change in the way he or she may look at issues, which may not be the same perspective the partner has. This change does happen naturally, and I guess neither of them are to be blamed. I guess it has got more to do with the growth and the way individuals evolve over a period of time, and sometimes this intrapersonal evolving does surface as distance in what would otherwise seem to be a very harmonious relationship.
Then how do we get around resolving this constant conflict? It is all the more difficult, since the conflict is not very overt either. Well, one way out would be honest communication. Whether the resultant environment is to the satisfaction of both the parties involved, at least the connect is reestablished, and the hurt person has the satisfaction of knowing that the thoughts have been conveyed. Resort to electronic means of communication if need be: the mail, the chat rooms etc. I remember seeing a movie where total disconnect sets in between the partners and the wife is feeling extremely lonely. For want of anything better to do, she gets to chatting with a stranger and finds that she is really able to interact with him and they seem to understand each others’ feelings so well. Towards the end of the movie, they decide to meet, both with a sense of guilt and apprehension. Yeah you guessed right. The stranger was her husband! In the midst of his climbing up the corporate ladder, he too had started missing companionship and did not know how to connect back to his wife.
What resulted was a redefining of their relationship, a better understanding, and a greater bond. Admittedly, it was a movie but then don’t they say that somewhere the lines between fiction and reality gets blurred???
Mohana Narayanan
January 19,2011
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
There are a lot of activities that mankind can do on his own; save one. That is communication. Of course he can communicate with himself but barring that, it is one of the basic tenets of the act of communication that you need a receiver and a originator of a thought, for active communication to happen. Now, the presence of two individuals alone in an act is not enough. The willingness to communicate is the most important ingredient I feel, more than the presence of any other factors that are normally listed as principles of effective communication. This is very obvious, as when one individual, in all good intention, conveys her thoughts to her partner and would want a reciprocal acknowledgment at least, of her feelings and thoughts, and the partner chooses to remain silent. I mean, how much more passive can aggression get?
I had a client who came in for a session, very troubled by the fact that she is no longer able to communicate effectively with her husband. One of the major accusations he has against her is that if they have an argument, she would always succeed in convincing him to see her point of view, because she is a much better speaker than he is, so he chooses to avoid talking about the conflicting issues! She admitted that she was a forceful speaker, and she realized that this could be a reason for his not talking out things. She then resorted to sending him mails on issues that bothered her and she wanted sorted out, for she was unable to simply let go of issues without reaching an emotional closure. She had always prided on the fact that they both had their share of conflicts but they have been able to talk it out and resolve it. Since she did not want him to feel she had an upper hand on issues, simply because of her ability to verbalise her thoughts more effectively than him, she thought writing to him would appear to him to be less confrontational. What hurt her now was the fact that he did not even bother to acknowledge her mail! It made her feel it no longer mattered to him what went on in her mind; or that things that were unresolved were of no consequence to him… Did it mean she also as a person mattered less?
I was not very sure. This is only a case in point. Seeing this in a larger perspective, why do we choose to ignore messages? In an age of technology, where we jump up when we receive a message tone on our phones, why is it that subtle messages sent by loved ones through silence, through body languages and signals are totally ignored? I am sure my client would have sent enough silent messages about her distress, before resorting to technology!
Mohana Narayanan
January 1,2011
I had a client who came in for a session, very troubled by the fact that she is no longer able to communicate effectively with her husband. One of the major accusations he has against her is that if they have an argument, she would always succeed in convincing him to see her point of view, because she is a much better speaker than he is, so he chooses to avoid talking about the conflicting issues! She admitted that she was a forceful speaker, and she realized that this could be a reason for his not talking out things. She then resorted to sending him mails on issues that bothered her and she wanted sorted out, for she was unable to simply let go of issues without reaching an emotional closure. She had always prided on the fact that they both had their share of conflicts but they have been able to talk it out and resolve it. Since she did not want him to feel she had an upper hand on issues, simply because of her ability to verbalise her thoughts more effectively than him, she thought writing to him would appear to him to be less confrontational. What hurt her now was the fact that he did not even bother to acknowledge her mail! It made her feel it no longer mattered to him what went on in her mind; or that things that were unresolved were of no consequence to him… Did it mean she also as a person mattered less?
I was not very sure. This is only a case in point. Seeing this in a larger perspective, why do we choose to ignore messages? In an age of technology, where we jump up when we receive a message tone on our phones, why is it that subtle messages sent by loved ones through silence, through body languages and signals are totally ignored? I am sure my client would have sent enough silent messages about her distress, before resorting to technology!
Mohana Narayanan
January 1,2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Daughters- Liabilities?
Today’s headlines in a leading daily must have made every self-respecting woman indignant. At least, it rankled me no end. A Supreme Court judge names her two daughters as her liabilities! In this day and age, where girl children are proving themselves as responsible as the boys, if not better in leading an equally responsible and fulfilling lives, and when they are being considered for the highest post in a country, you have such statements coming from a person, who is supposed to be an upholder of justice! Why do we not understand that it is no longer necessary to belong to a particular gender to prove your worth and that we need not grant equality? I wonder how this particular judge would handle a case which would involve killing of a girl child. Would not her bias come in the way of her dispensing her judgment impartially? When she herself has a value system that upholds the denigration of womankind by naming them as liabilities, how can one trust her unbiased judgment?
The daughters need to stand up and fight their case here. I remember, when I was growing up, my father would introduce us three sisters as liability number 1, 2, and 3! I guess it was a regret he had, that he did not have a son; more so because he felt he fought a losing battle when it was one against four, albeit all in fun. My mother had to listen to her share of comments from his relatives, when her third daughter was born, and I remember my grandmother actually cried! To her credit, my mother was very happy! He never failed in his duties as a father though, and gave us all good education and opportunity to grow. Today, I am sure he does not think of us as liabilities, as he has gained three sons-in-law, who respect and adore him; not that the daughters didn’t! Though I am not defending my father’s way of introduction, I am willing to condone it, simply because he is a man; what galls me is that a woman, in a seat of honor, to whom the country looks up to, is publicly declaring her daughters as her liability! Can her daughters prove her wrong? Can they rise up in the echelons of society, and prove to their mother who has classified them as burdens, that they are more of an asset than all the material wealth that she has declared in her returns? That she need not spend that same wealth in ‘settling them’ in life but that once she gives up working and is dependent on her co-humans, these very same daughters would take care of her, without waiting for permissions or sanctions from their partners?
Mohana Narayanan
December 30, 2010
The daughters need to stand up and fight their case here. I remember, when I was growing up, my father would introduce us three sisters as liability number 1, 2, and 3! I guess it was a regret he had, that he did not have a son; more so because he felt he fought a losing battle when it was one against four, albeit all in fun. My mother had to listen to her share of comments from his relatives, when her third daughter was born, and I remember my grandmother actually cried! To her credit, my mother was very happy! He never failed in his duties as a father though, and gave us all good education and opportunity to grow. Today, I am sure he does not think of us as liabilities, as he has gained three sons-in-law, who respect and adore him; not that the daughters didn’t! Though I am not defending my father’s way of introduction, I am willing to condone it, simply because he is a man; what galls me is that a woman, in a seat of honor, to whom the country looks up to, is publicly declaring her daughters as her liability! Can her daughters prove her wrong? Can they rise up in the echelons of society, and prove to their mother who has classified them as burdens, that they are more of an asset than all the material wealth that she has declared in her returns? That she need not spend that same wealth in ‘settling them’ in life but that once she gives up working and is dependent on her co-humans, these very same daughters would take care of her, without waiting for permissions or sanctions from their partners?
Mohana Narayanan
December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
A person’s sense of self-worth hinges on so many things that are outside of him, that sometimes it is scary to think : if the world stops for a minute, what would happen. Everything comes crashing down suddenly and you feel so empty, and life devoid of meaning. It is then that you start thinking how important it is to live for yourself: just yourself. Being appreciated is a very basic need of every human being, after of course food, water and shelter. Man thrives on being praised for his efforts, even though the accomplishment would have given him his own sense of satisfaction. Right from a toddler, who starts recognising the words ‘very good’, whatever language it is spoken in, to adults who may preen before a mirror, and know that he or she is looking good, but would expectantly look at people around for vouching this fact: We as a race thrive on our self being appreciated. Being done so contributes to a large extent to what our self concept would be like.
On our self concept hinges our self worth, and the resultant self esteem is responsible for our level of self confidence. At the core self concept is our view of what we think our selves, what we think others think of us, and what others actually think of us. And if our core self concept is at an all-time low, naturally this will reflect on our conclusions of what we think others think of us. Convoluted? . Not really. Let us see how this works. At the core of our very being is our self-concept. It is what we think about ourselves; aspects of ourselves that we would sometimes have trouble even admitting to our own selves! This would be the realistic self concept. Now we also have what is called the ideal self concept, where we would be looking at what we would be as the perfect model. Now, if both these self concepts match to a large degree, there would be no problem. Trouble starts brewing when our ideal self concept is far removed from our realistic self concept. That is when the whole pretend game starts, and we alternate between our two selves, creating a whole range of conflicting emotions and anxiety in the process. For instance, if you have someone who is not really a successful person, but rather than analysing and accepting her own shortcomings, she would portray an external locus of control, blaming everyone and everybody around for the misfortunes, laments her ill-luck and refuses to take responsibility for her own contribution to the problem, she would be suffering from a very low self concept. Here, while her ideal self concept is, so to say ‘idealistic’ where given the right scenario, she would have been successful, she is refusing to accept the realistic self concept: of her being unable to face challenges that came her way, her not having adequate coping skills to handle problems, and within herself, fighing this dual battle of the selves, and at the same time, adopting denial as a defense mechanism.
It does take a lot of self work and introspection on bridging the gap; and it also takes a lot of honesty, to stand up to see yourself as you are, and more important, to accept yourself as you are, unconditionally, and evolve if you feel you are ready to do so!!!
Mohana Narayanan
December 26,2010
On our self concept hinges our self worth, and the resultant self esteem is responsible for our level of self confidence. At the core self concept is our view of what we think our selves, what we think others think of us, and what others actually think of us. And if our core self concept is at an all-time low, naturally this will reflect on our conclusions of what we think others think of us. Convoluted? . Not really. Let us see how this works. At the core of our very being is our self-concept. It is what we think about ourselves; aspects of ourselves that we would sometimes have trouble even admitting to our own selves! This would be the realistic self concept. Now we also have what is called the ideal self concept, where we would be looking at what we would be as the perfect model. Now, if both these self concepts match to a large degree, there would be no problem. Trouble starts brewing when our ideal self concept is far removed from our realistic self concept. That is when the whole pretend game starts, and we alternate between our two selves, creating a whole range of conflicting emotions and anxiety in the process. For instance, if you have someone who is not really a successful person, but rather than analysing and accepting her own shortcomings, she would portray an external locus of control, blaming everyone and everybody around for the misfortunes, laments her ill-luck and refuses to take responsibility for her own contribution to the problem, she would be suffering from a very low self concept. Here, while her ideal self concept is, so to say ‘idealistic’ where given the right scenario, she would have been successful, she is refusing to accept the realistic self concept: of her being unable to face challenges that came her way, her not having adequate coping skills to handle problems, and within herself, fighing this dual battle of the selves, and at the same time, adopting denial as a defense mechanism.
It does take a lot of self work and introspection on bridging the gap; and it also takes a lot of honesty, to stand up to see yourself as you are, and more important, to accept yourself as you are, unconditionally, and evolve if you feel you are ready to do so!!!
Mohana Narayanan
December 26,2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
My day, my life !!
The day dawned bright and sunny, and I felt in harmony, as I got ready for the day. Countless calls came, on all the phones at home, calls that were expected, so I felt the bond was reinforced. There were also calls that were a surprise for I never knew that I mattered enough to these people for them to remember to call and wish me. It made me feel wanted, loved, and cared for. There was a song in my heart as I went to work and other than the usual job related stresses, the day was uneventful. I looked good, I felt good, and somewhere, the feeling of well-being permeated my entire self. It is such an important day, I thought, the day you choose to enter this world. You have to evolve as a person and the time and the date you choose to embark on this journey is so important. I know there are people who do not store much to their birthdays, and I remember when I was growing up, I used to yearn for people to wish me. Birthdays were not great events in my family, but as peer pressure built up, I remember how I used to make up stories about how my people celebrated my birthday! Not that my family loved me less or anything, it is just that the private logic of my family set store to the day being more religious than personal. So a visit to a temple was mandatory, and a sweet made at home, but the day being special stopped there.
For a long while after that, I would make the day important for myself. I would make sure I wore a new dress, I would treat myself to maybe a visit to the parlour, and tell myself how important I was to myself. I would go out for dinner with my family, and make sure I enjoyed myself even by resorting to clowning! But somewhere there would linger a feeling of sadness, something I was not able to put my finger to.
But today the day continued to be the perfect one. We went out for dinner, and after that we went for a drive on the beach road, even though it was raining. The bridge on a certain section was lit up, and it looked striking in the night. When I commented on how beautiful the scene looked at night, my friend promptly stopped the car, forced us all to get out in the drizzle, and we took snaps, standing on the bridge! Passers-by took us to be tourists I guess, for which local residents in their right minds would drive by on one of the arterial roads of the city they pass by day in day out, stand in the rain and click photographs?! We continued to giggle and act silly, and had a patrol vehicle stop by, to question us on our motives!!!
When I finally reached home, the day (night?) was almost over. But there a pervading sense of feeling good about the world. I was one year closer to leaving this earth, but I was so glad that I am here, and I have grown so much, evolved so much. I am grateful for each person who has touched my life for they have helped me in my journey, like we all are meant to do for each other, and even people who are not there in my life anymore, even people I no longer resonate with anymore, simply because we have grown away from each other. I am willing to let them go, without any feelings of being let down, without any feelings of bitterness, people who have perhaps been left behind in my journey of life.
Thank you!!!
Mohana Narayanan
November 22,2010
For a long while after that, I would make the day important for myself. I would make sure I wore a new dress, I would treat myself to maybe a visit to the parlour, and tell myself how important I was to myself. I would go out for dinner with my family, and make sure I enjoyed myself even by resorting to clowning! But somewhere there would linger a feeling of sadness, something I was not able to put my finger to.
But today the day continued to be the perfect one. We went out for dinner, and after that we went for a drive on the beach road, even though it was raining. The bridge on a certain section was lit up, and it looked striking in the night. When I commented on how beautiful the scene looked at night, my friend promptly stopped the car, forced us all to get out in the drizzle, and we took snaps, standing on the bridge! Passers-by took us to be tourists I guess, for which local residents in their right minds would drive by on one of the arterial roads of the city they pass by day in day out, stand in the rain and click photographs?! We continued to giggle and act silly, and had a patrol vehicle stop by, to question us on our motives!!!
When I finally reached home, the day (night?) was almost over. But there a pervading sense of feeling good about the world. I was one year closer to leaving this earth, but I was so glad that I am here, and I have grown so much, evolved so much. I am grateful for each person who has touched my life for they have helped me in my journey, like we all are meant to do for each other, and even people who are not there in my life anymore, even people I no longer resonate with anymore, simply because we have grown away from each other. I am willing to let them go, without any feelings of being let down, without any feelings of bitterness, people who have perhaps been left behind in my journey of life.
Thank you!!!
Mohana Narayanan
November 22,2010
Commitment to commitment !
The very purpose of entering into a marriage is unconditional acceptance of your partner. Now, I know that is not really possible, and most of us have an agenda whereby we set about changing our partner to fit into our mould. But I have met one couple, where the dynamics are very conflicting and clear. No commitment from the wife’s side to the relationship: I need to be a daughter to my parents, I need to support them, so I would continue to work. The husband was fine with it, but little did he know that he was going to be used as an ATM for the family! Having got a job abroad, he went ahead expecting his wife to follow him along with their newborn. But she showed no signs of moving; and then finally sends a message to him, saying that she thinks it would be best if this arrangement continued, and he continues supporting her financially from his place of work! The man did not know what hit him! He would make umpteen trips to her place, loading her with jewelry, gifts, and cash, both for her and their child. But things did not change. She continued refusing to join him to start their life together, stating her family of origin as her primary commitment, though continuing to receive substantial amounts of funds from him.
Vexed, the man decided to put an end to this oscillating relationship, and give her one final chance to join him, or settle for separation. The girl agreed to come for counseling, and during the sessions, came up with insubstantial reasons for not going to live with him, none of which held water. She also tried to convey that he had not supported her financially, which the man promptly countered, but producing excel sheets of accounts! Possibly being cornered, and also contemplating that if she did not accede, she would be left holding huge debts with no verve to call her own, she finally agreed to accompany him back to the country of his residence. Both looked relieved and happy when they left my clinic.
Within a short while of her going back home, she calls him and says that her family is of the opinion that unless he undertakes to repay the huge loans that they have incurred as a family, she would not be allowed to go with him! Now, which family in their right senses would want their daughter to stay back with them and work off the loans they have incurred, staying away from her husband? Was it because of some undying sense of obligation she had towards her family? If so, what about her commitment to her marriage? Her husband? Her son? What hold did her family have over her, I wonder? The man did not know what to do. Could he not assert his right over her, saying she was his wife, and he would not go back without her? I don’t know whether there would be legal implications to what I am suggesting; but though it is true that you cannot force a person into being happy, sometimes, one does not know how to choose what is good for them. In this case, I think if this man asserts himself (which he claims he has never done these past years that he was married to her) and is able to take her with him, he is sure to assure her of a fine life with him. According to him, he has waited for her ever since he got married to her; and he is sure that it was only his commitment that saw him through. Would that very same commitment help him now too I wonder???
Mohana Narayanan
November 18, 2010
Vexed, the man decided to put an end to this oscillating relationship, and give her one final chance to join him, or settle for separation. The girl agreed to come for counseling, and during the sessions, came up with insubstantial reasons for not going to live with him, none of which held water. She also tried to convey that he had not supported her financially, which the man promptly countered, but producing excel sheets of accounts! Possibly being cornered, and also contemplating that if she did not accede, she would be left holding huge debts with no verve to call her own, she finally agreed to accompany him back to the country of his residence. Both looked relieved and happy when they left my clinic.
Within a short while of her going back home, she calls him and says that her family is of the opinion that unless he undertakes to repay the huge loans that they have incurred as a family, she would not be allowed to go with him! Now, which family in their right senses would want their daughter to stay back with them and work off the loans they have incurred, staying away from her husband? Was it because of some undying sense of obligation she had towards her family? If so, what about her commitment to her marriage? Her husband? Her son? What hold did her family have over her, I wonder? The man did not know what to do. Could he not assert his right over her, saying she was his wife, and he would not go back without her? I don’t know whether there would be legal implications to what I am suggesting; but though it is true that you cannot force a person into being happy, sometimes, one does not know how to choose what is good for them. In this case, I think if this man asserts himself (which he claims he has never done these past years that he was married to her) and is able to take her with him, he is sure to assure her of a fine life with him. According to him, he has waited for her ever since he got married to her; and he is sure that it was only his commitment that saw him through. Would that very same commitment help him now too I wonder???
Mohana Narayanan
November 18, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Joint venture conflicts
We tend to view partnership as a one-sided contract, especially the type marital contracts are made of. The moment a relationship is formalized, the relationship dynamics change in most marriages. The stereotypical male would want the wife to fit into a perfect round hole that he has in his mind, cutting off the sides of the squares, so to speak. More often than not, he would see his mother in his wife, and the female partner sub-consciously would look for the man to fit into the mental picture she has of her partner, matching qualities of her father. This expectancy may set in either in the early days of the marriage, or much later, depending on the tolerance level of either of the partners. On the grounds of being ‘tolerant’, one man would continue to indulge his wife in maintaining her identity and going against the established tenets of his family background, till she is fully convinced that her husband is okay with her being what she is. Then overnight, he would pull the rug under her feet, and have a tirade of accusations against her; she has not followed family traditions, she is being disrespectful, she is not being religious etc. etc. The girl would not know when this about turn occurred; when he was okay with her behavior just a few days back, the very same behavior becomes a major point of conflict between them, and ultimatums are flung at her.
I am not saying the girl would have been on her best code of behavior. There would have been a lot of power struggle, and attention seeking acts. But rather than handling it on a one-on-one basis, the husband has chosen to be permissive, and has swallowed what he would have actually wanted to do, simply for the sake of temporary peace, or for avoiding conflicts. Now suddenly for no major reason, he wants an out. He has been going through a lot for the past few years, and his patience has now reached rock bottom, he claims. It is amusing, to say the least, that when his cup of patience runs dry, that is the time when he decides the relationship needs a serious looking into, perhaps even end it, for there is nothing in it for him. What gives him the right to call the shots? The girl is still reeling under the shock of the fact that the entire past marriage has been a sham, and all his so-called ‘allowance’ and indulgence and acceptance of her non-conservative behavior has been all a pretence. He may think that under this train of thought, she may buckle and sign on the dotted line, perhaps even wear the badge of divorcee on her sleeve, being the non-conformist that she is! But here ironically, the joke was on him… She believed in the age-old institution of marriage, and refused to even consider a parting of ways. He threaten to throw her out of the house; he demanded his parents stay out of the whole picture; he warned her that if she contests, then she will have to wash dirty linen in public (how come the dirty linen is only the girl’s not the boy’s, considering the marriage of both is breaking up?).
The girl refused to give in. After the initial distress she has gathered all her resources, her inner strength, and has dug her heels in. Her only grouse has been, if only he had been more honest in the past, though she would have initially found it difficult to adhere to the norms of the family, she would have settled in after the initial conflict, and inner turbulence. But this two-faced turnabout is something she says will take some time to sink in!
The last I knew the battle was still on; the threats were coming hard and fast; but she was no longer crying and weeping and pleading. She is trying to change herself, albeit slowly, and is firmly committed to her role as a mother and wife, the latter if he allows. But to be the mother, she does not need his permission. Kudos to womanhood, and a bow to her tremendous strength and will! I know she will come through this a change woman, and the superficial change of appearance is not the only change I am talking about.
I am not saying the girl would have been on her best code of behavior. There would have been a lot of power struggle, and attention seeking acts. But rather than handling it on a one-on-one basis, the husband has chosen to be permissive, and has swallowed what he would have actually wanted to do, simply for the sake of temporary peace, or for avoiding conflicts. Now suddenly for no major reason, he wants an out. He has been going through a lot for the past few years, and his patience has now reached rock bottom, he claims. It is amusing, to say the least, that when his cup of patience runs dry, that is the time when he decides the relationship needs a serious looking into, perhaps even end it, for there is nothing in it for him. What gives him the right to call the shots? The girl is still reeling under the shock of the fact that the entire past marriage has been a sham, and all his so-called ‘allowance’ and indulgence and acceptance of her non-conservative behavior has been all a pretence. He may think that under this train of thought, she may buckle and sign on the dotted line, perhaps even wear the badge of divorcee on her sleeve, being the non-conformist that she is! But here ironically, the joke was on him… She believed in the age-old institution of marriage, and refused to even consider a parting of ways. He threaten to throw her out of the house; he demanded his parents stay out of the whole picture; he warned her that if she contests, then she will have to wash dirty linen in public (how come the dirty linen is only the girl’s not the boy’s, considering the marriage of both is breaking up?).
The girl refused to give in. After the initial distress she has gathered all her resources, her inner strength, and has dug her heels in. Her only grouse has been, if only he had been more honest in the past, though she would have initially found it difficult to adhere to the norms of the family, she would have settled in after the initial conflict, and inner turbulence. But this two-faced turnabout is something she says will take some time to sink in!
The last I knew the battle was still on; the threats were coming hard and fast; but she was no longer crying and weeping and pleading. She is trying to change herself, albeit slowly, and is firmly committed to her role as a mother and wife, the latter if he allows. But to be the mother, she does not need his permission. Kudos to womanhood, and a bow to her tremendous strength and will! I know she will come through this a change woman, and the superficial change of appearance is not the only change I am talking about.
Parenting matters!
I have repeated this fact so many times to my clients that I sound like a stuck record: parenting is not offered as a degree of education; it is a lifetime on the job training. I have also said that there are no good or bad parents, or good or bad off-springs. But in spite of it all, I come across absolutely resistant parents, who insist on believing that there is something seriously wrong in the way their child behaves, and go on this blame game and labeling trip, which only antagonizes the child further. They have done all they could for their child; they have given the child whatever he or she wanted; they only wanted them to be ‘good’ in return! Yet their children turn out to be incarnation of the devils, the way they go on about the so-called misbehavior of their children.
Take the case of this set of parents, who, according to them have given the child the best of everything: and they fail to understand why the child is refusing to go to school. The fact of attending school is treated by he child as a carrot for manipulating the parents! He demands the latest computer gizmo, or a night out, failing which he would threaten to bunk school till his demands are met! And the parents have this attitude of having sired an ungrateful child, who is not able to appreciate all they have done for their child.
Can we please understand here, that satisfying every want of a child without understanding whether it is a want or a need, creates a child who turns out with the world owes me syndrome? The child would expect the sun to stop if he wants to, simply because the first adults in his life did not teach him the concept of refusal of a demand, and how to handle rejection and unmet needs. The parents think that gratitude in a child would create a child of their dreams; on the contrary, they haven’t even allowed the child to appreciate what he or she would get, for the simple reason that they jump up to fulfill all that the child asks for, let alone experience gratitude. Not allowing a child to take age-related decisions, doing everything for a child, so that he can ‘enjoy life’, not letting him face consequences of his behavior, and then finally presenting the child as a ogre they wonder who created, is a lot of work for a counselor! Can we please understand that denying a child his demand does not convey your lack of love, as much as fulfilling his every whim does not prove the extent of it!
Mohana Narayanan
November 17,2010
Take the case of this set of parents, who, according to them have given the child the best of everything: and they fail to understand why the child is refusing to go to school. The fact of attending school is treated by he child as a carrot for manipulating the parents! He demands the latest computer gizmo, or a night out, failing which he would threaten to bunk school till his demands are met! And the parents have this attitude of having sired an ungrateful child, who is not able to appreciate all they have done for their child.
Can we please understand here, that satisfying every want of a child without understanding whether it is a want or a need, creates a child who turns out with the world owes me syndrome? The child would expect the sun to stop if he wants to, simply because the first adults in his life did not teach him the concept of refusal of a demand, and how to handle rejection and unmet needs. The parents think that gratitude in a child would create a child of their dreams; on the contrary, they haven’t even allowed the child to appreciate what he or she would get, for the simple reason that they jump up to fulfill all that the child asks for, let alone experience gratitude. Not allowing a child to take age-related decisions, doing everything for a child, so that he can ‘enjoy life’, not letting him face consequences of his behavior, and then finally presenting the child as a ogre they wonder who created, is a lot of work for a counselor! Can we please understand that denying a child his demand does not convey your lack of love, as much as fulfilling his every whim does not prove the extent of it!
Mohana Narayanan
November 17,2010
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Roller coaster rides
Roller coaster rides
I wonder why people deliberately choose to go on a roller coaster! If you ask me, life offers enough roller coaster rides! I wish I could go on a passenger train, which chugs along at a steady, sedentary speed, stops at every station where you have sleepy porters and little urchins running after you for a tip or leftover food. Instead, here I am travelling at breakneck speed, alert 24x7, as I am the person behind the steering wheel of a fast-moving locomotive, which is shooting through a dark tunnel, which never seems to end and also, one is not really sure what is actually there at the end of the tunnel!
I have been on this journey for almost seven years now, when my family started to go through turbulent times. The turbulence would rock me time and again and I would swim against the tide, gasp when I seemed to go underwater, but surface again, refusing to give in. Each time however, the currents came on stronger and stronger and each time, I would think it was the last time before I would go under.
It is not that I claim to be a very strong person or anything. Just that resilience does come to me naturally and I am a fighter. But of late, I have found the fighting spirit giving way to acceptance. Is that what it is all about I wonder? That I need to accept that these squalls as part of my life and understand that I am attracting the contraindicative factors in my life because I am a seasoned fighter? If that is so, then I also need to know whether it is okay not to fight, so that I do no attract this energy anymore.
I need to understand perhaps that even though I feel I am running standing in the same place, I need to refuse to entertain doubt. I need to tell myself that this too shall pass, and that there would come a day when I would not be getting up, wondering what news the day has in store for me; whether I am going to sail through, or sink…
Mohana narayanan
August 9, 2010
I wonder why people deliberately choose to go on a roller coaster! If you ask me, life offers enough roller coaster rides! I wish I could go on a passenger train, which chugs along at a steady, sedentary speed, stops at every station where you have sleepy porters and little urchins running after you for a tip or leftover food. Instead, here I am travelling at breakneck speed, alert 24x7, as I am the person behind the steering wheel of a fast-moving locomotive, which is shooting through a dark tunnel, which never seems to end and also, one is not really sure what is actually there at the end of the tunnel!
I have been on this journey for almost seven years now, when my family started to go through turbulent times. The turbulence would rock me time and again and I would swim against the tide, gasp when I seemed to go underwater, but surface again, refusing to give in. Each time however, the currents came on stronger and stronger and each time, I would think it was the last time before I would go under.
It is not that I claim to be a very strong person or anything. Just that resilience does come to me naturally and I am a fighter. But of late, I have found the fighting spirit giving way to acceptance. Is that what it is all about I wonder? That I need to accept that these squalls as part of my life and understand that I am attracting the contraindicative factors in my life because I am a seasoned fighter? If that is so, then I also need to know whether it is okay not to fight, so that I do no attract this energy anymore.
I need to understand perhaps that even though I feel I am running standing in the same place, I need to refuse to entertain doubt. I need to tell myself that this too shall pass, and that there would come a day when I would not be getting up, wondering what news the day has in store for me; whether I am going to sail through, or sink…
Mohana narayanan
August 9, 2010
METAMORPHOSIS
METAMORPHOSIS
When some things shatter, there is no noise; but the silence is deafening. Relationships fall into this kind of breaks. When parameters change, when tracks are shifted, when perceptions start to differ, the feeling of discomfort is intense; it is as if you are going through a medical procedure where your insides are revamped, and you undergo a transfusion. The pain is sometimes unbearable, no amount of anesthetics seem to help. But then the knowledge that you will be better off for all the pain perhaps pulls you through the agony!
Why do we revolt so much? Why don’t we realize that it is because we are resisting so much that the pain persists. If we go along with the flow, things will no longer seem to be the end of the world. We need to accept the fact that we outgrow relationships, we change the way we think, and most important of all issues, we decide to take responsibility to choose to get hurt and not blame the rest of the world for treating us like dirt.
There is also another angle to the whole issue; the way one asserts his or her rights on the other person. What gives us the authority to encroach the space of another individual I wonder? Why is this message so difficult to understand for some people, that you need to understand the basic dynamics of the association, and the nuances of change that it undergoes? While the concept of soul mates is all fine and Richard Bach makes good reading, I don’t think it is a possible reality. How can two people grow at the same pace, and think the same thoughts? So when the differences start to matter, one individual goes on this rampage, accusing the other of defiling the relationship, instead of understanding and accepting that people undergo transformation, and they need to let go of superficial similarities, to work on deeper underlying issues. Nothing comes of all this except anguish and intense feelings of discord.
It takes a while for things to settle down; and during this process, more evolution happens. Unfortunately, this advancement only succeeds in widening the chasm even more, with one of the partner growing with this insight, and the other nursing bitterness and feelings of dissent. I wish this did not end this way, but who says anything lasts forever??
Mohana Narayanan
November 1,2010
Free Way
In any association, we need to understand how important it is to have respect. When I say respect, it does not mean respect on the basis of age, or qualifications of positions in social or professional life. Respect here would stand for giving space for the survival of the other person’s individuality, accepting that there could be a counterpoint, without running down the other person’s preferences and choices. While the person whose preferences could be made fun of in a gentle manner, it would not really require one to study rocket science to decipher the derision behind such comments, if any. It would also boil down to plain inequality in the relationship.
I know an acquaintance of mine, who undergoes this pain time and again at the hands of her close friend. She likes a particular screen hero, and the friend likes someone else. The latter downright runs down her friend’s preferences, calling this hero the choicest of names, and almost succeeding in provoking my friend to defend her choice of hero. Fortunately, my friend has better sense than spoil a couple of good hours spent together, arguing about someone who is not even know to her personally, and she deftly changes the topic without getting deeper into the controversy.
The point to contemplate here is not about who wins the argument. I wonder why there is no respect in the relationship here. It is of course not mandatory that the friend shares the opinion; but why go out of the way to run down someone whom her close friend likes? I mean, my friend told me that the dislike is so strong that the opinion expressed is full of criticism, and in spite of the good work done by the actor, this friend of her has deliberately avoided all movies in which this person has acted, though they have gained worldwide recognition and awards.
I would expect a lesser rigid stance, especially if it is about tolerating someone or something that my close friend would feel so strongly about. After all, isn’t life all about standing by to let someone pass, or giving way on a highway?
Mohana Narayanan
November 4,2010
I know an acquaintance of mine, who undergoes this pain time and again at the hands of her close friend. She likes a particular screen hero, and the friend likes someone else. The latter downright runs down her friend’s preferences, calling this hero the choicest of names, and almost succeeding in provoking my friend to defend her choice of hero. Fortunately, my friend has better sense than spoil a couple of good hours spent together, arguing about someone who is not even know to her personally, and she deftly changes the topic without getting deeper into the controversy.
The point to contemplate here is not about who wins the argument. I wonder why there is no respect in the relationship here. It is of course not mandatory that the friend shares the opinion; but why go out of the way to run down someone whom her close friend likes? I mean, my friend told me that the dislike is so strong that the opinion expressed is full of criticism, and in spite of the good work done by the actor, this friend of her has deliberately avoided all movies in which this person has acted, though they have gained worldwide recognition and awards.
I would expect a lesser rigid stance, especially if it is about tolerating someone or something that my close friend would feel so strongly about. After all, isn’t life all about standing by to let someone pass, or giving way on a highway?
Mohana Narayanan
November 4,2010
The old order changeth... or need it???
The festival of lights came and went. It lit up some relationships; it pushed some into an abyss of darkness. The spirit of joy was dampened by some incidents that left its indelible mark on the way I was greeted by some of the people I visited. I thought it is said that this festival is one where you decide to make new beginnings. I wonder whether new beginnings are possible without ending old issues; I guess not. But then I was reminded of what one friend said to me once: I read three or four books simultaneously, she said, when I asked her when I could borrow one particular book. I think that is what relationships are also about. We may have issues that have not been resolved between us, issues which may bring in pain and hurts. But that does not mean you deride the whole person do you? Is it not possible to isolate the incident from the person, to separate the deed from the doer, the behavior from the individual? The bitterness that you demonstrate when you greet is so galling, that it gives rise to further conflicts in the future. The chasm grows so much wider that at some point, the other person is so far away that the depth of the chasm is wider than the depth of the relationship. Time dulls the hurt, and then you learn to get on with life. When you have a new beginnings, the past pages of an unfinished book does not matter I guess. You choose to script the ending.
Strangely I happened to bump into another friend of mine, who, for no known reason had sent me a curt mail some months back and requested me to stop writing to her as she was very busy. It was ironic that she was busy with work that I had trained her in, but after the first couple of hours, I was happy for her. I did not allow this unresolved conflict to surface when I bumped into her today. I could see she was kind of embarrassed and did not really know how to react. But I had buried old hatchets: there was nothing left to bury actually, and I could sense no discomfort in our meeting: at least on my side. And I could see that she could relax after the first couple of minutes, and we actually conversed decently before I said goodbye.
I guess perception on human relationships vary. But hurts are like festering wounds which may reopen any time, unless we realign our belief system about relationships and learn to ring in the new, even if we do not ring out the old.
Strangely I happened to bump into another friend of mine, who, for no known reason had sent me a curt mail some months back and requested me to stop writing to her as she was very busy. It was ironic that she was busy with work that I had trained her in, but after the first couple of hours, I was happy for her. I did not allow this unresolved conflict to surface when I bumped into her today. I could see she was kind of embarrassed and did not really know how to react. But I had buried old hatchets: there was nothing left to bury actually, and I could sense no discomfort in our meeting: at least on my side. And I could see that she could relax after the first couple of minutes, and we actually conversed decently before I said goodbye.
I guess perception on human relationships vary. But hurts are like festering wounds which may reopen any time, unless we realign our belief system about relationships and learn to ring in the new, even if we do not ring out the old.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The power of trouble!
God made woman to be strong internally. And he made sure he would keep testing this strength time and again, with each blow her becoming stronger and resilient. When I spoke to my clients today (strangely all of them belonged to the ‘weaker sex’), I got the impression that but for women, troubles would bolt from the face of this earth! I mean, they are found to be balancing relationships, work and personal lives, turbulent adolescent childhood of their off-springs, and to top it all, they also surface with unfulfilled desires which have been given a cold shelf in their lives simply because they are no longer important.
Where does she get this resilient nature from? Is it from her biological leanings of taking care, nurturing instincts? Or is it primarily a need to be needed that is being met? And how does she know that she is not really the problem-solver, only a prop to support the person who is feeling down and out? And howmuch ever she is going through, the moment she finds she is needed, she is able to put her own baggage aside and be available to the one with the greater need…
Being a practicing counselor, the primary demand on me is to be a listener. Today was a particularly taxing day, with very low energy levels, and a whole lot of issues that I was grappling with. I think I also looked loaded, because not one I met at my workplace passed me without commenting on how low and burdened I looked. I tried to make light of it, blaming it on the unloading that was happening and that was natural in my profession, but I knew I failed to pull wool over their eyes. It showed; it showed that I was reaching the end of my tether and I needed respite. But somehow, when I reached my room and sat at my table, and I started my appointments, I realized I could disconnect from myself and attend to the emotional unburdening of my clients. In my profession particularly, it is so important that we are unbiased, and in a calm frame of mind, to prevent subjectivity entering our conclusions. If we are at war with the world, how would we sound convincing when we talk to our clients? And there I was able to do justice to my profession, but I feel it was more because I was a woman, than the fact that I was a counselor. The woman in me, who reaches out the one in pain, in suffering, and who wants to say: I understand your pain; I empathise with whatever you are going through.
I am not in any position different from what I was in the morning; but I feel more in control of myself. I feel strengthened, when I saw the strength pouring out and being received gratefully. I also do not know whether my clients felt empowered, but I felt more in command of myself when I walked out of my consulting room…
Mohana Narayanan
August 11,2010
God made woman to be strong internally. And he made sure he would keep testing this strength time and again, with each blow her becoming stronger and resilient. When I spoke to my clients today (strangely all of them belonged to the ‘weaker sex’), I got the impression that but for women, troubles would bolt from the face of this earth! I mean, they are found to be balancing relationships, work and personal lives, turbulent adolescent childhood of their off-springs, and to top it all, they also surface with unfulfilled desires which have been given a cold shelf in their lives simply because they are no longer important.
Where does she get this resilient nature from? Is it from her biological leanings of taking care, nurturing instincts? Or is it primarily a need to be needed that is being met? And how does she know that she is not really the problem-solver, only a prop to support the person who is feeling down and out? And howmuch ever she is going through, the moment she finds she is needed, she is able to put her own baggage aside and be available to the one with the greater need…
Being a practicing counselor, the primary demand on me is to be a listener. Today was a particularly taxing day, with very low energy levels, and a whole lot of issues that I was grappling with. I think I also looked loaded, because not one I met at my workplace passed me without commenting on how low and burdened I looked. I tried to make light of it, blaming it on the unloading that was happening and that was natural in my profession, but I knew I failed to pull wool over their eyes. It showed; it showed that I was reaching the end of my tether and I needed respite. But somehow, when I reached my room and sat at my table, and I started my appointments, I realized I could disconnect from myself and attend to the emotional unburdening of my clients. In my profession particularly, it is so important that we are unbiased, and in a calm frame of mind, to prevent subjectivity entering our conclusions. If we are at war with the world, how would we sound convincing when we talk to our clients? And there I was able to do justice to my profession, but I feel it was more because I was a woman, than the fact that I was a counselor. The woman in me, who reaches out the one in pain, in suffering, and who wants to say: I understand your pain; I empathise with whatever you are going through.
I am not in any position different from what I was in the morning; but I feel more in control of myself. I feel strengthened, when I saw the strength pouring out and being received gratefully. I also do not know whether my clients felt empowered, but I felt more in command of myself when I walked out of my consulting room…
Mohana Narayanan
August 11,2010
Roller coaster rides!
Roller coaster rides
I wonder why people deliberately choose to go on a roller coaster! If you ask me, life offers enough roller coaster rides! I wish I could go on a passenger train, which chugs along at a steady, sedentary speed, stops at every station where you have sleepy porters and little urchins running after you for a tip or leftover food. Instead, here I am travelling at breakneck speed, alert 24x7, as I am the person behind the steering wheel of a fast-moving locomotive, which is shooting through a dark tunnel, which never seems to end and also, one is not really sure what is actually there at the end of the tunnel!
I have been on this journey for almost seven years now, when my family started to go through turbulent times. The turbulence would rock me time and again and I would swim against the tide, gasp when I seemed to go underwater, but surface again, refusing to give in. Each time however, the currents came on stronger and stronger and each time, I would think it was the last time before I would go under.
It is not that I claim to be a very strong person or anything. Just that resilience does come to me naturally and I am a fighter. But of late, I have found the fighting spirit giving way to acceptance. Is that what it is all about I wonder? That I need to accept that these squalls as part of my life and understand that I am attracting the contraindicative factors in my life because I am a seasoned fighter? If that is so, then I also need to know whether it is okay not to fight, so that I do no attract this energy anymore.
I need to understand perhaps that even though I feel I am running standing in the same place, I need to refuse to entertain doubt. I need to tell myself that this too shall pass, and that there would come a day when I would not be getting up, wondering what news the day has in store for me; whether I am going to sail through, or sink…
Mohana narayanan
August 9, 2010
I wonder why people deliberately choose to go on a roller coaster! If you ask me, life offers enough roller coaster rides! I wish I could go on a passenger train, which chugs along at a steady, sedentary speed, stops at every station where you have sleepy porters and little urchins running after you for a tip or leftover food. Instead, here I am travelling at breakneck speed, alert 24x7, as I am the person behind the steering wheel of a fast-moving locomotive, which is shooting through a dark tunnel, which never seems to end and also, one is not really sure what is actually there at the end of the tunnel!
I have been on this journey for almost seven years now, when my family started to go through turbulent times. The turbulence would rock me time and again and I would swim against the tide, gasp when I seemed to go underwater, but surface again, refusing to give in. Each time however, the currents came on stronger and stronger and each time, I would think it was the last time before I would go under.
It is not that I claim to be a very strong person or anything. Just that resilience does come to me naturally and I am a fighter. But of late, I have found the fighting spirit giving way to acceptance. Is that what it is all about I wonder? That I need to accept that these squalls as part of my life and understand that I am attracting the contraindicative factors in my life because I am a seasoned fighter? If that is so, then I also need to know whether it is okay not to fight, so that I do no attract this energy anymore.
I need to understand perhaps that even though I feel I am running standing in the same place, I need to refuse to entertain doubt. I need to tell myself that this too shall pass, and that there would come a day when I would not be getting up, wondering what news the day has in store for me; whether I am going to sail through, or sink…
Mohana narayanan
August 9, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The innate good nature of man...
I was leaving on my yearly holiday and was flying to Delhi. I prefer to take the train when on holidays, for I find it gives me more time to relax, read, listen to music and generally chill out. But time constraint forced me to take the flight, and during the security check, when I passed my hand bag through the x-ray machine, I discovered that I had not removed the Swiss knife that I generally carry with me on travel.
They removed the knife and asked me to proceed, but I wanted to know if there was any way I could carry the knife with me. It was wrong, I know to make such an unreasonable demand, but I was in love with that knife; it held very sentimental memories. There was no way I could put it in my baggage as I had already checked it in. My family stood about ten feet away from me, embarrassed by my pleadings! Finally, one of the officers offered to retain it with him, and said I could try and collect it from him on our return trip, a week later. I was skeptical but I left the knife with my identity details, and took his phone number. He said I could call him when I was coming back, and if he happened to be on duty, I could collect it from him.
As luck could have it, he was not on duty; calls to his mobile went unanswered. I came to the natural human conclusion: well, he has got a free swiss knife for himself!
I was then pleasantly surprised, when a week later, he called me and apologized for not returning my call, as he had been called away on a training programme and he had to leave suddenly. Before I could say anything else, he asked me to message my address, saying he would deliver it to my residence. Even though I gave my address, some corner of my mind was still skeptical; but promptly an hour later, my phone rang; I am waiting outside your apartment: could you come and collect your Swiss knife, he said.
He returned the knife, refused my offer of even a cup of tea saying he had to report for duty. He touched my life for a brief period of time, maybe just to give me a message to continue trusting people: all are not of the same mould. That there are people like him, Rawat (yes that was his name, and he belonged to the CISF) who restore faith in the innate goodness of man.
Like T N Seshan said, I do not want to be honored with a medal for honesty and integrity; these are basic human qualities, and one should practice them as one does practice breathing: naturally. Yes, but I am thankful to this anonymous friend of mine, who, through a simple deed restored my faith in the principle that Carl Rogers advocated: Man is inherently good by nature.
Mohana Narayanan
They removed the knife and asked me to proceed, but I wanted to know if there was any way I could carry the knife with me. It was wrong, I know to make such an unreasonable demand, but I was in love with that knife; it held very sentimental memories. There was no way I could put it in my baggage as I had already checked it in. My family stood about ten feet away from me, embarrassed by my pleadings! Finally, one of the officers offered to retain it with him, and said I could try and collect it from him on our return trip, a week later. I was skeptical but I left the knife with my identity details, and took his phone number. He said I could call him when I was coming back, and if he happened to be on duty, I could collect it from him.
As luck could have it, he was not on duty; calls to his mobile went unanswered. I came to the natural human conclusion: well, he has got a free swiss knife for himself!
I was then pleasantly surprised, when a week later, he called me and apologized for not returning my call, as he had been called away on a training programme and he had to leave suddenly. Before I could say anything else, he asked me to message my address, saying he would deliver it to my residence. Even though I gave my address, some corner of my mind was still skeptical; but promptly an hour later, my phone rang; I am waiting outside your apartment: could you come and collect your Swiss knife, he said.
He returned the knife, refused my offer of even a cup of tea saying he had to report for duty. He touched my life for a brief period of time, maybe just to give me a message to continue trusting people: all are not of the same mould. That there are people like him, Rawat (yes that was his name, and he belonged to the CISF) who restore faith in the innate goodness of man.
Like T N Seshan said, I do not want to be honored with a medal for honesty and integrity; these are basic human qualities, and one should practice them as one does practice breathing: naturally. Yes, but I am thankful to this anonymous friend of mine, who, through a simple deed restored my faith in the principle that Carl Rogers advocated: Man is inherently good by nature.
Mohana Narayanan
Monday, July 05, 2010
The tolerant world
What is it with people who think that they are doing you the greatest of favours, if they somehow prove that they have been handling a very ‘difficult’ person (in you) and that because of that, you are supposed to be eternally grateful to them because of that? I know, for example, this person, who is a very self-made woman. She is very assertive, and it takes a lot of her to not let somebody see that she tolerates breaking of certain basic values by other people. What other people would call as ‘social’ behaviour and etiquette would come with great difficulty for her. Not that she was rude or arrogant or any such thing. It is just that she comes across as exuding power, with a no-nonsense attitude, and is very assertive; and if there is one thing she is not able to forgive, it is charade. No wonder, she finds it so difficult to live amongst the social beings of today! She is gregarious by nature, very helpful, very empathetic, and also very social and fun-loving. Couple this with people’s opinion of her as a ‘difficult’ personality, who cannot tolerate people taking her for a ride, when people try to two-time her, when she is asked to bend backwards and ignore pretenses in society and relationships. Her forthrightness is mistaken for being insensitive. Her assertive, no-nonsense attitude is taken for arrogance. You sure have a split personality in the making I think!
The sad part is, it was okay if the whole world thought of her this way. But people who formed the inner core of her social circle make remarks of how grateful she should be because she has such ‘understanding’ people as her friends, who tolerate her.
If one has to think about how grateful one needs to be to people in his life, simply because he is being ‘tolerated,’ then that does not speak very well for the depth of the relationship isn’t it? So, do all relationships exist and survive only on forbearance? Or isn’t acceptance a more stable ground to base the relationship on? In such cases, there is no feeling of gratitude for being tolerated; you are simply accepted as you are with all your fun and faults, without being burdened by the knowledge that much as you are liked, loved and appreciated, there is still that thin line which stops people from loving you completely, without criticizing you behind your back, or maybe attempt to change you subtly. It is very difficult, I know to reach that state in a relationship. If one has, do let me know???
Mohana narayanan
July 4, 2010
The sad part is, it was okay if the whole world thought of her this way. But people who formed the inner core of her social circle make remarks of how grateful she should be because she has such ‘understanding’ people as her friends, who tolerate her.
If one has to think about how grateful one needs to be to people in his life, simply because he is being ‘tolerated,’ then that does not speak very well for the depth of the relationship isn’t it? So, do all relationships exist and survive only on forbearance? Or isn’t acceptance a more stable ground to base the relationship on? In such cases, there is no feeling of gratitude for being tolerated; you are simply accepted as you are with all your fun and faults, without being burdened by the knowledge that much as you are liked, loved and appreciated, there is still that thin line which stops people from loving you completely, without criticizing you behind your back, or maybe attempt to change you subtly. It is very difficult, I know to reach that state in a relationship. If one has, do let me know???
Mohana narayanan
July 4, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Pulling up others' socks
I now know what Sashi Tharoor and the like felt like, when they expressed their views on their blogs. Blogging is a breakthrough medium for the likes of people, who have seen countless rejection slips from publications, simply because what they want to say does not agree with the principle of the publication. One is welcome to access the blog, or simply behave as if it does not exist. But when you do voluntarily reach out to read material in a space which belongs to one single individual, where he or she can voice the opinion they have, I do not think any sane person would think it is an aspersion on their lives!
What I write on my blog are unedited expressions of my impressions of my daily living. And the nature of my profession is such that I go through a variety of intense human emotions through the clients whom I meet anger; anxiety, depression, very low frustration tolerance, and sometimes even denial of the existence of a problem. These are issues which subsist along the spectrum of human relationships and professional though I am in my approach, sometimes when I feel the situation could have been either handled more effectively, (Check out my article: do you have balance) or perhaps avoided altogether, my helplessness shows: not to the people who come in for counseling, but in my outpouring on my blog.
But then, how do you respond to hate mails, generated when someone reads what is written on my blog, decide they are the self-styled moral diagnostic experts of people and conclude that what is written on the blog is the result of a demented, frustrated person, who perhaps may require medical intervention?
What do you think about folks who refuse to accept and admit there are flaws in every social system, and are raving and ranting about it? Playing the blame game only reflects the style of functioning of the person, instead of appraising the situation and doing some out-of-the-box thinking. Just as there have been clients who have been riled because truths hit them, and even though they go ahead and take the steps recommended (as this particular person did, and benefitted from it) they still choose to hide behind a mask, there also have been clients who are profoundly grateful for having been helped in choosing the right track. Unfortunately, they do not visit my blog I think! And I need to thank people who, even through such hate mails invite the mass of humanity to hit my blog!
Is it because my writings touch a raw spot I wonder? And who likes to connect with perhaps the truth of one’s soul? How many of us are able to confront reality and admit that life needs to be reworked? No, no; it is so much easier to blame the other and live in a cosy delusion that someone else needs to pull up socks, not themselves; even though they are wearing them!
Mohana Narayanan
June 21, 2010
What I write on my blog are unedited expressions of my impressions of my daily living. And the nature of my profession is such that I go through a variety of intense human emotions through the clients whom I meet anger; anxiety, depression, very low frustration tolerance, and sometimes even denial of the existence of a problem. These are issues which subsist along the spectrum of human relationships and professional though I am in my approach, sometimes when I feel the situation could have been either handled more effectively, (Check out my article: do you have balance) or perhaps avoided altogether, my helplessness shows: not to the people who come in for counseling, but in my outpouring on my blog.
But then, how do you respond to hate mails, generated when someone reads what is written on my blog, decide they are the self-styled moral diagnostic experts of people and conclude that what is written on the blog is the result of a demented, frustrated person, who perhaps may require medical intervention?
What do you think about folks who refuse to accept and admit there are flaws in every social system, and are raving and ranting about it? Playing the blame game only reflects the style of functioning of the person, instead of appraising the situation and doing some out-of-the-box thinking. Just as there have been clients who have been riled because truths hit them, and even though they go ahead and take the steps recommended (as this particular person did, and benefitted from it) they still choose to hide behind a mask, there also have been clients who are profoundly grateful for having been helped in choosing the right track. Unfortunately, they do not visit my blog I think! And I need to thank people who, even through such hate mails invite the mass of humanity to hit my blog!
Is it because my writings touch a raw spot I wonder? And who likes to connect with perhaps the truth of one’s soul? How many of us are able to confront reality and admit that life needs to be reworked? No, no; it is so much easier to blame the other and live in a cosy delusion that someone else needs to pull up socks, not themselves; even though they are wearing them!
Mohana Narayanan
June 21, 2010
Respect: To command or demand
As a counsellor, I am fortunate (?) to experience a varied gamut of human relationships through the cases that come to me for therapy.
One such case was that of a young adolescent boy, who was referred to me for academics, as well as behavioural issues. On meeting the boy, he seemed compliant enough for the questions and answered them willingly, but I could sense intense rage within him. On probing, I found that his primary anger was directed against his mother. Reason? She insults him in front of his uncle and the servant! The mother looked surprised that this was a topic of dissent with the boy. Her logic was that if he is scolded in front of someone else, then he would learn to behave better. When I asked her what her expectations were she had only one thing to say: I want him to respect elders.
I found her need to be very amusing… considering she was using humiliation as a tool to discipline her son.
Everybody has this need in them to be respected, whether young or old. How could the mother expect the child to develop a sense of respect and reverence, when everytime she would deride and belittle him not only in the privacy of their home but also in public? It is, according to me, the lowest form of disciplining tactics, which would have the person at the receiving end seething inside with humiliation. I remember, when I was working in a publication firm, we would have this monthly meetings, which were called “Hall of Shame”. The names of all those editors who had not met their targets would be written on the board, and they would be asked for detailed feedbacks and explanations. This could also be done in the cabins of the senior professionals, but I think they all got a perverse pleasure, seeing them squirm in front of an audience. What irreparable damage was being done to the psyche of the person, I dread to think. A personal memo calling the person filthy names is so much better than this public flogging.
Coming back to the case, when I started handling the issues with the mother, I could understand where she was coming from. She was a perfectionist, and theirs was the most passive marriage I have ever seen! When asked if she expected others to respect her as a person and her opinions, she wanted to know what I was talking about! For the husband, she was just a wife; one who took care of his physical and biological needs. He could not describe the person that she was: her identity was that she was his wife. She was labelled a bad mother because her son did not behave ‘properly’. So to get social approval she was being punitive with the son. Her life revolved on social approvals. She could no longer establish her own identity, and establishing the importance of being herself became the focus of counselling. She was gradually able to understand that you do not demand respect; you command it. And you can only teach how to respect if you practise it. The point took a while to sink in; but when she was able to withdraw from the controlling relationship, and also refused to take responsibility for her son’s misbehaviour, and refuse to accept the label of being a ‘bad mother’ simply because he misbehaved, things started turning around. When people around realised that she was not accepting the blame for his behaviour, they started handling the boy differently; and he too, in subsequent sessions was able to understand the scenario.
Sessions are still on; the husband continues to be passive, though he is beginning to think there is more to a marriage than just staying together, and is slowly willing to enrich the relationship.
It is not ‘all is well’ as yet…. But I hope it would be.
Mohana Narayanan
One such case was that of a young adolescent boy, who was referred to me for academics, as well as behavioural issues. On meeting the boy, he seemed compliant enough for the questions and answered them willingly, but I could sense intense rage within him. On probing, I found that his primary anger was directed against his mother. Reason? She insults him in front of his uncle and the servant! The mother looked surprised that this was a topic of dissent with the boy. Her logic was that if he is scolded in front of someone else, then he would learn to behave better. When I asked her what her expectations were she had only one thing to say: I want him to respect elders.
I found her need to be very amusing… considering she was using humiliation as a tool to discipline her son.
Everybody has this need in them to be respected, whether young or old. How could the mother expect the child to develop a sense of respect and reverence, when everytime she would deride and belittle him not only in the privacy of their home but also in public? It is, according to me, the lowest form of disciplining tactics, which would have the person at the receiving end seething inside with humiliation. I remember, when I was working in a publication firm, we would have this monthly meetings, which were called “Hall of Shame”. The names of all those editors who had not met their targets would be written on the board, and they would be asked for detailed feedbacks and explanations. This could also be done in the cabins of the senior professionals, but I think they all got a perverse pleasure, seeing them squirm in front of an audience. What irreparable damage was being done to the psyche of the person, I dread to think. A personal memo calling the person filthy names is so much better than this public flogging.
Coming back to the case, when I started handling the issues with the mother, I could understand where she was coming from. She was a perfectionist, and theirs was the most passive marriage I have ever seen! When asked if she expected others to respect her as a person and her opinions, she wanted to know what I was talking about! For the husband, she was just a wife; one who took care of his physical and biological needs. He could not describe the person that she was: her identity was that she was his wife. She was labelled a bad mother because her son did not behave ‘properly’. So to get social approval she was being punitive with the son. Her life revolved on social approvals. She could no longer establish her own identity, and establishing the importance of being herself became the focus of counselling. She was gradually able to understand that you do not demand respect; you command it. And you can only teach how to respect if you practise it. The point took a while to sink in; but when she was able to withdraw from the controlling relationship, and also refused to take responsibility for her son’s misbehaviour, and refuse to accept the label of being a ‘bad mother’ simply because he misbehaved, things started turning around. When people around realised that she was not accepting the blame for his behaviour, they started handling the boy differently; and he too, in subsequent sessions was able to understand the scenario.
Sessions are still on; the husband continues to be passive, though he is beginning to think there is more to a marriage than just staying together, and is slowly willing to enrich the relationship.
It is not ‘all is well’ as yet…. But I hope it would be.
Mohana Narayanan
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Do you have balance?
Do you have balance?
I overheard my daughter talking on the phone to her friend, asking her: “Do you have balance?” For a moment, technologically challenged that I am, I wondered whether she had lost it! I mean, imagine asking someone if the person had balance, casting aspertions on the person’s sanity! Of course, a moment later, I realised that the comment was actually meant as a concern for the friend’s account balance in her pre-paid mobile card.
My thoughts, as usual, went off on a tangent. I wish our human relationships also worked as effectively. I mean, there are so many situations created simply because things that should never be uttered are spoken in a fit of anger or in a hot temper, which result in a downward spiral of the relationship. I wish there was some method by which the ‘balance’ of words expire before things reach a cresendo, as there is more damage done sometimes, when one person claims he or she has ‘only been frank’!
When i handle conflicts, as a counsellor I see scope for a lot of situations where damage control could have been done, simply by silence. But then we do not have a built in cut-off mechanism, which could say, balance is over, please recharge! Yes, we could use our inner reserves of sanity and avoid unpleasantness when we find things getting out of hand, but then it is hardly to be expected of a spouse who has been harbouring a lot of unresolved issues, till the situation reaches a pressure cooker situation and the lid is blown off! When you have the other party also offering concern about the ‘balance’ (literally and figuratively!), then this too shows that the receiver is able to understand where the partner is coming from….
Maybe it is in such times, that you wish the battery is also low in the phone!!!
Mohana Narayanan
I overheard my daughter talking on the phone to her friend, asking her: “Do you have balance?” For a moment, technologically challenged that I am, I wondered whether she had lost it! I mean, imagine asking someone if the person had balance, casting aspertions on the person’s sanity! Of course, a moment later, I realised that the comment was actually meant as a concern for the friend’s account balance in her pre-paid mobile card.
My thoughts, as usual, went off on a tangent. I wish our human relationships also worked as effectively. I mean, there are so many situations created simply because things that should never be uttered are spoken in a fit of anger or in a hot temper, which result in a downward spiral of the relationship. I wish there was some method by which the ‘balance’ of words expire before things reach a cresendo, as there is more damage done sometimes, when one person claims he or she has ‘only been frank’!
When i handle conflicts, as a counsellor I see scope for a lot of situations where damage control could have been done, simply by silence. But then we do not have a built in cut-off mechanism, which could say, balance is over, please recharge! Yes, we could use our inner reserves of sanity and avoid unpleasantness when we find things getting out of hand, but then it is hardly to be expected of a spouse who has been harbouring a lot of unresolved issues, till the situation reaches a pressure cooker situation and the lid is blown off! When you have the other party also offering concern about the ‘balance’ (literally and figuratively!), then this too shows that the receiver is able to understand where the partner is coming from….
Maybe it is in such times, that you wish the battery is also low in the phone!!!
Mohana Narayanan
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