It is a very difficult thing: this art of receiving. A client of mine was very upset that her daughter was not allowing her to celebrate her birthday. It was perhaps the last birthday they would have as a family, as the daughter was leaving home for higher studies. The celebration was also not something that was going to be very elaborate. Just a couple of friends over, people she would be very comfortable with, and maybe order food from outside and generally be very happy and joyful at home. But the daughter was so very vehement about not having the celebration, and this hurt the mother. Hurt her because the daughter was not able to understand how much this meant to my client. Hurt because the daughter was so much into celebrating other people’s birthdays, wishing them and making gifts for them….
She tried arguing, discussing it with her, and even went to the extent of talking to her daughter’s friend to try and convince her. Nothing worked, and she finally decided to let it be. Treat the day like any ordinary day. Treat the day like it was not a day that gave her a purpose to her life, the day this bundle of joy entered her life, and how every moment that she watched her grow, she felt fulfilled, and how being with her made all the pains bearable. It was a day when great things happened in the world: Some major discoveries were made, bombs burst, governments changed, and there were so many other incidents that would have hallmarked this year on the calendar. But for her, it was the birth of her daughter. Was it wrong on her part to allow her to rejoice the day? To make her daughter feel special?
I read somewhere a conversation between a pencil and an eraser, where the pencil feels sorry for the latter. I guess we all are like the erasers which somehow knows that one day it would be gone, and it would be replaced with a new one, but who is still happy with the job it is doing. Sometimes, along the way, they get hurt, they feel even unused at times, and when the eraser becomes too small by constant use, they are replaced. Does the pencil realize how it hurts the eraser at times, and does the pencil try and avoid making mistakes I wonder?
I have been a pencil too I guess in my life, and now it is my turn to be an eraser. Let me be the eraser and leave happy eraser shavings as memories for my children.
Mohana Narayanan
March 7,2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Play time or marriage time?
I believe the cricket team of a particular country has suggested they want a psychologist on their team. The reason? Most of them are undergoing a turbulent marriage, because of the team members not spending enough time with their spouses, who are obviously feeling the disconnect. One member who has been married barely married for six months, has had a message from his wife saying she is unable to cope with the disconnection and would like to separate.
There are various questions that hit me as I read this. How is a psychologist going to reduce the distances between the couples I wonder? There can be only two people in the marriage; what is the psychologist going to do? Of course she can teach the nuances of the crucial elements in a marriage: the need to feel connected, feeling capable, having the feeling that you count in the marriage and have the courage to stay on in the relationship and make it work. And if any of these “C” is missing then the identification is successful; but after that what happens? Do you think any of the players would, say cut down on the trips he undertakes around the world cut down on the time he spends away from home, simply because one or more of the C is missing? How is he going to make the Connect come about, how is going to make the Count happen? So, is the need for a psychologist in the team to make the team players not get disturbed by the dissonance in their family life so that they can play better and enhance the cricket craze I wonder, or is it a genuine need for their emotional well-being and concern for their personal life? On part of the spouse, any one is going to feel the absence of their partners for such extended period of time, more so when they are newly married Would it have been too much to ask from this player to put aside or cut down on the playtime and spend more time enhancing their marriage, so that her basic need of Connect and Count is fulfilled? Or is the argument that she knew he was a player when he got married, so she walked into it with her eyes open? I really don’t know. Matters of the heart are not ruled by rational of knowledge.
Not that the separation is any better if the marriage is older, but again that depends on the kind of bond they have developed over the years. If both of them have not developed this connect, but have simply been habituated to staying with each other, the separation may result in mild anxiety but both of them would manage to survive the separation, and may even at times enjoy the distance! The point here is then, how important is the quality of the marriage to either one of them. The emotional content and quotient is the benchmark of the success of the relationship.
The bottom line then, is that marriages last not because of proximity or physical appearances that get them best couple awards. Marriages survive because basically both the partners want it to happen, want it to survive the turbulence of a whole lot of external factors. But the creation of the marriage bubble is in the hands of the partners, and partners alone. What the team needs is not a psychologist or a marriage counselor; they need the understanding and the existence of the four crucial Cs: Identification of the same, and then working on developing the missing elements and making sure they continue to be there.
Mohana Narayanan
March 26th, 2011
There are various questions that hit me as I read this. How is a psychologist going to reduce the distances between the couples I wonder? There can be only two people in the marriage; what is the psychologist going to do? Of course she can teach the nuances of the crucial elements in a marriage: the need to feel connected, feeling capable, having the feeling that you count in the marriage and have the courage to stay on in the relationship and make it work. And if any of these “C” is missing then the identification is successful; but after that what happens? Do you think any of the players would, say cut down on the trips he undertakes around the world cut down on the time he spends away from home, simply because one or more of the C is missing? How is he going to make the Connect come about, how is going to make the Count happen? So, is the need for a psychologist in the team to make the team players not get disturbed by the dissonance in their family life so that they can play better and enhance the cricket craze I wonder, or is it a genuine need for their emotional well-being and concern for their personal life? On part of the spouse, any one is going to feel the absence of their partners for such extended period of time, more so when they are newly married Would it have been too much to ask from this player to put aside or cut down on the playtime and spend more time enhancing their marriage, so that her basic need of Connect and Count is fulfilled? Or is the argument that she knew he was a player when he got married, so she walked into it with her eyes open? I really don’t know. Matters of the heart are not ruled by rational of knowledge.
Not that the separation is any better if the marriage is older, but again that depends on the kind of bond they have developed over the years. If both of them have not developed this connect, but have simply been habituated to staying with each other, the separation may result in mild anxiety but both of them would manage to survive the separation, and may even at times enjoy the distance! The point here is then, how important is the quality of the marriage to either one of them. The emotional content and quotient is the benchmark of the success of the relationship.
The bottom line then, is that marriages last not because of proximity or physical appearances that get them best couple awards. Marriages survive because basically both the partners want it to happen, want it to survive the turbulence of a whole lot of external factors. But the creation of the marriage bubble is in the hands of the partners, and partners alone. What the team needs is not a psychologist or a marriage counselor; they need the understanding and the existence of the four crucial Cs: Identification of the same, and then working on developing the missing elements and making sure they continue to be there.
Mohana Narayanan
March 26th, 2011
Wish List!
There are so many things we need to set right in life, that I wonder whether one lifetime is enough to do so. Some of the issues that rankle me on a daily basis:
When people walk on the road with the dog or a child on their right. The danger of the dog suddenly being hit by an oncoming vehicle, or the child losing his or her grip and be knocked down.
When people refuse to accept that situations and people can change, and that means relationships also change.
When some people think that just because you don a particular hat, it is mandatory that you function in a certain way alone, and that out of the box thinking is taboo!
When people insist that we need to be ‘right’ in all that we say, think or do, feelings notwithstanding.
Mohana Narayanan
March 11,2011
When people walk on the road with the dog or a child on their right. The danger of the dog suddenly being hit by an oncoming vehicle, or the child losing his or her grip and be knocked down.
When people refuse to accept that situations and people can change, and that means relationships also change.
When some people think that just because you don a particular hat, it is mandatory that you function in a certain way alone, and that out of the box thinking is taboo!
When people insist that we need to be ‘right’ in all that we say, think or do, feelings notwithstanding.
Mohana Narayanan
March 11,2011
The Hercules in us...
We all think differently don’t we? Between last night and today morning, there have been thoughts that i have not put on paper. But yesterday too, a lot of thoughts went unrecorded, for i somewhere kept thinking that they would gain the status of unwarranted thoughts, once there is a phone call, or a message or even a mail. But none came. Not even by a suggestion, was the thought conveyed that there was regret.
I read a book sometime back, where the deeds of Hercules, the greek warrior is taken as a backdrop to deal with the demons in our own minds. Each problem is a battle that the Hercules in us tries to fight, and if we want to win like Hercules did, then we need to fight right.
One of the battle is the battle of the egos. Does an apology constitute for the loss of this battle? I really don’t know. But i do know that to win a battle, apology can be a tool. And sometimes winning is not always everything you know.... If you are able to acknowledge and let the other person know that you feel the hurt, that you validate it, then you are verbalising your victory. But most of us find it so difficult to do so! Your own hurt you; and somewhere, i am able to understand that maybe it is only a preparation for greater battles. If i am able to survive this hurt, then strangers hurting me (which is bound to happen) would be something that i would handle as a cakewalk. So i thank all those who come close to me and give me this weapon to fight my battles! I am sure Hercules too did not have such preparations before he went to fight!
Mohana Narayanan
March 4, 2011
I read a book sometime back, where the deeds of Hercules, the greek warrior is taken as a backdrop to deal with the demons in our own minds. Each problem is a battle that the Hercules in us tries to fight, and if we want to win like Hercules did, then we need to fight right.
One of the battle is the battle of the egos. Does an apology constitute for the loss of this battle? I really don’t know. But i do know that to win a battle, apology can be a tool. And sometimes winning is not always everything you know.... If you are able to acknowledge and let the other person know that you feel the hurt, that you validate it, then you are verbalising your victory. But most of us find it so difficult to do so! Your own hurt you; and somewhere, i am able to understand that maybe it is only a preparation for greater battles. If i am able to survive this hurt, then strangers hurting me (which is bound to happen) would be something that i would handle as a cakewalk. So i thank all those who come close to me and give me this weapon to fight my battles! I am sure Hercules too did not have such preparations before he went to fight!
Mohana Narayanan
March 4, 2011
Past revisited...
I bumped into an acquaintance who had been very close to me and my family for quite sometime, but for reasons best left unquoted now, we fell apart, and slowly faded away from each others’ lives. Or so I thought. Today, when I was talking to her I realized that there was no aspect of my life that she was unaware of! And I did not have a clue as to what was happening in hers… And I realized later that it was because my family had decided to reconnect and somewhere I was left nursing the memories, and together with it, the hurts that they had left behind.
I was open to reconnecting; don’t get me wrong. It is just that the way it was done was somehow all wrong. I wish I could have had an opportunity to discuss what went wrong. I wish I had a family which understood that I needed this healing session between ourselves. But I guess it was not really important for them? And all through I claimed that it was okay for them to go ahead and build the bridge between themselves but I did not expect to be left behind on the shores! And today, when I am being questioned about facts which I did not know anyone else was aware of, it threw me! I somehow felt betrayed all over again, only this time by my own…
Mohana Narayanan
June 18,2011
I was open to reconnecting; don’t get me wrong. It is just that the way it was done was somehow all wrong. I wish I could have had an opportunity to discuss what went wrong. I wish I had a family which understood that I needed this healing session between ourselves. But I guess it was not really important for them? And all through I claimed that it was okay for them to go ahead and build the bridge between themselves but I did not expect to be left behind on the shores! And today, when I am being questioned about facts which I did not know anyone else was aware of, it threw me! I somehow felt betrayed all over again, only this time by my own…
Mohana Narayanan
June 18,2011
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
fated pronouncements
So, it is that time of the year when the results are out; they are out fast and furious, and before one registers the other is upon you, like blows in a concentration camp. The children and parents do not know what choice to make: if at all they are given a choice, that is. It is as if the fate is all written by a chosen few, sitting at the helm of the examiners’ pulpit, waiting to pronounce judgement on the basis of a couple of hours’ performance by a child, who has otherwise sweated it out throughout the year, qualified in a whole lot of fields like sports, art, debates, got nominated to positions of leadership in their institutions, which built in them a tremendous sense of self-confidence and made them walk mighty proud. Then here comes a bunch of people, who, on the basis of the child answering (or not answering) a couple of hundred questions supervised by a deadly clock which has got the timer moving, or under the supervision of a sand clock, brush aside the chances of the child getting an opportunity to be guided in an institution which would be able to hone the child’s skills further. Not taking into account the child’s personality, motivation, past performance and academic records.
How does one deal with such a system? How does one help a child to cope with such disappointments, and how does one tell a child, that this is not a judgment of his or her potential? And more so, if the child’s friends have got through, and they do not know how to handle their success, in the context of their friend’s so-called failure. So they do not call. Or if they do, they do not know what to say. Or they call someone else to find out what is happening.. Oh god, so much for education, so much for growth! You want to hug your child close to your heart and tell her, it does not matter, please do not punish yourself, please do not go away…. But suddenly you are not able to do that. You realize that overnight, your child has indeed grown up… and perhaps, grown away. The pronouncement of results did it! My daughter is no longer mine, but just a statistic, a figure in a list of numbers which decides where my daughter pursues her future!!!
Mohana Narayanan
June 1,2011
How does one deal with such a system? How does one help a child to cope with such disappointments, and how does one tell a child, that this is not a judgment of his or her potential? And more so, if the child’s friends have got through, and they do not know how to handle their success, in the context of their friend’s so-called failure. So they do not call. Or if they do, they do not know what to say. Or they call someone else to find out what is happening.. Oh god, so much for education, so much for growth! You want to hug your child close to your heart and tell her, it does not matter, please do not punish yourself, please do not go away…. But suddenly you are not able to do that. You realize that overnight, your child has indeed grown up… and perhaps, grown away. The pronouncement of results did it! My daughter is no longer mine, but just a statistic, a figure in a list of numbers which decides where my daughter pursues her future!!!
Mohana Narayanan
June 1,2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Lessons in life!!!
I read a very beautiful saying about apology which goes like this:
There are three parts to an apology: I am sorry, It is my fault, and what can I do about it? It is so true! First, most of us find it difficult to apologize, for we think that apologizing means that we are accepting responsibility for a mistake and we hate to do that! That explains the second part of the apology: How many of us can upfront take the onus for a fault? And the final part, as to the remedial measures to be taken, is the hardest part of it all! We are painfully aware that to take corrective action would put us in a spot where we would be required to change the way we think, the way we would respond further to any situation, and any change is resisted!
We can explain away any unacceptable behaviour in the other person, but this action of discounting can happen only when we are in a calm frame of mind, or are able to be in a position where rational thinking can be counted upon. In case we too are in a state of mind where a slight deviation from normal acceptable behaviour can act as a trigger, the whole thing escalates to a downward spiral, and there are uncountable damages to be accounted for!
I experienced one such incident a short time ago. A friend of mine, apparently very upset at something that i had no clue about, when greeted by me cheerfully turned around and snapped at me in a way that left me wondering whether i had committed the eighth sin by greeting her! It added to my embarassment that it happened in a very public place and i had to walk away with the smile stuck to my face, while i was seething inside, for i did not want to be party to any ugly scene and offer a free entertainment show to visitors. I calmed down while i was driving back home from work but it continued to bother me, so i sent her a message asking her to let me know when she would be free to talk. There was no response for two whole days. I decided to forget about it, though i was nursing my hurt privately, as one of my new year resolution was that i was never going to give anybody the satisfaction of knowing that they have succeeded in hurting me!
Then, suddenly i get this call where i am given details of how the day went, how that particular day was very stressful, and how she had been unable to handle things and that things were getting out of hand.... I waited. And waited. And waited. But only explanations came: no talk of, i am sorry for how i behaved! At the end, when she got away from the topic, i just made a comment saying that i was upset because i was placed in a situation where i had to explain her behaviour, without knowing facts, and it was more of an embarassment than anything else.
Are explanations good enough i wonder? Even if it is between very good friends? Are there any norms even in close relationships, where courtesy and manners strengthen the bonds? Sometimes it matters that you apologize, verbalise your feeling bad about something, however close your relationship. It helps to validate the other person’s hurt and say it was not something that should have happened.
But all this never happened. And that is when i realised that in any relationship, unless we have a code of conduct, we would always be in danger of being taken for granted. Let this be a lesson for me: let me remember to thank all the good friends in my life for all that they have done for me, acknowledge them as a part of my evolution, and if i know i have hurt them apologize for the hurt. Let me not contribute to more angst than there is in the world! And for this wisdom, for this learning, thank you dear friend!!!
Mohana Narayanan
February 23,2011
There are three parts to an apology: I am sorry, It is my fault, and what can I do about it? It is so true! First, most of us find it difficult to apologize, for we think that apologizing means that we are accepting responsibility for a mistake and we hate to do that! That explains the second part of the apology: How many of us can upfront take the onus for a fault? And the final part, as to the remedial measures to be taken, is the hardest part of it all! We are painfully aware that to take corrective action would put us in a spot where we would be required to change the way we think, the way we would respond further to any situation, and any change is resisted!
We can explain away any unacceptable behaviour in the other person, but this action of discounting can happen only when we are in a calm frame of mind, or are able to be in a position where rational thinking can be counted upon. In case we too are in a state of mind where a slight deviation from normal acceptable behaviour can act as a trigger, the whole thing escalates to a downward spiral, and there are uncountable damages to be accounted for!
I experienced one such incident a short time ago. A friend of mine, apparently very upset at something that i had no clue about, when greeted by me cheerfully turned around and snapped at me in a way that left me wondering whether i had committed the eighth sin by greeting her! It added to my embarassment that it happened in a very public place and i had to walk away with the smile stuck to my face, while i was seething inside, for i did not want to be party to any ugly scene and offer a free entertainment show to visitors. I calmed down while i was driving back home from work but it continued to bother me, so i sent her a message asking her to let me know when she would be free to talk. There was no response for two whole days. I decided to forget about it, though i was nursing my hurt privately, as one of my new year resolution was that i was never going to give anybody the satisfaction of knowing that they have succeeded in hurting me!
Then, suddenly i get this call where i am given details of how the day went, how that particular day was very stressful, and how she had been unable to handle things and that things were getting out of hand.... I waited. And waited. And waited. But only explanations came: no talk of, i am sorry for how i behaved! At the end, when she got away from the topic, i just made a comment saying that i was upset because i was placed in a situation where i had to explain her behaviour, without knowing facts, and it was more of an embarassment than anything else.
Are explanations good enough i wonder? Even if it is between very good friends? Are there any norms even in close relationships, where courtesy and manners strengthen the bonds? Sometimes it matters that you apologize, verbalise your feeling bad about something, however close your relationship. It helps to validate the other person’s hurt and say it was not something that should have happened.
But all this never happened. And that is when i realised that in any relationship, unless we have a code of conduct, we would always be in danger of being taken for granted. Let this be a lesson for me: let me remember to thank all the good friends in my life for all that they have done for me, acknowledge them as a part of my evolution, and if i know i have hurt them apologize for the hurt. Let me not contribute to more angst than there is in the world! And for this wisdom, for this learning, thank you dear friend!!!
Mohana Narayanan
February 23,2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
BENDING RULES
How easy it is to spend your life finding faults! If your disposition is such that you definitely need full moon on all the days of the month, the summer and winter temperatures have to be predetermined and the needle on the barometer should be steady, imagine the kind of agony you would be living in, day in and day out! Yet inspite of knowing that control over these natural phenomena is out of bounds, if we have the fault finding gene predominantly floating around in our system, our life’s purpose is then programmed! We live our lives blaming everything and everyone we can lay our hands on, and if there were any jobs available for this post, most of us would be employed or be in the queue for the position!
We know there would be no conflict resolution as soon as one person counters the other with a fault that the other person has, instead of focusing on the current issue. This is what happens in most relationships, especially marital ones. The blame game goes on and on, and it leaves me wondering: Do you want to fight, or do you want to solve the problem? Finding a loophole in the other person’s behavior does not justify your stand: how do you assert your viewpoint at the expense of the other? How does it help in any resolution or arriving at an amicable solution? I know sometimes there are no resolutions to certain conflicts. If the husband is a stickler for perfectionism for example, he will hit the roof every time he sees a speck of dust on the centre table, or finds hair in the wash room. If the wife is the kind who lives her life by the clock, imagine how she would cope with the agony of a travelling husband or even one who is in the marketing and sales field! The partners would be labeled as shoddy and unclean, and unpunctual without any respect for time, respectively. These would become the battleground for conflicts where the underlying issues would also escalate and reach alarming proportions. I guess it would take a lot of looking from behind the mirror, to actually get into a frame of mind when we can think from the others’ perspective.
If only we are able to assimilate one simple fact: Not everybody lives by our rules: Each one of us is made different, and how many ever arguments we go through, if we insist on holding on to our view of an issue, the conflict is never resolved. Of course there are some conflicts that can never be resolved; conflicts that exist on issues dealing with family interpersonal clashes, conflicts even within ourselves where we keep wondering whether a certain step we have taken was in everybody’s best interests or not, conflicts that we sometime let go for we reach a catch 22 situation, and we know we cannot go further. In such cases, what do we do? Stewing in the cauldron never did anyone good. All we can do is to arrive at an impasse, let go of the emotional pain and get on with life. I know, it is easier said than done, and I am certainly not claiming to be a monk with profound insight or the temperance to follow this. But I can truthfully say that though the emotional memories surface, rationalizing happens faster with me nowadays than it did before, and I am able to set aside these issues and continue as my life unfolds. Now that is definitely good enough for me!
Mohana Narayanan
February 17, 2011
We know there would be no conflict resolution as soon as one person counters the other with a fault that the other person has, instead of focusing on the current issue. This is what happens in most relationships, especially marital ones. The blame game goes on and on, and it leaves me wondering: Do you want to fight, or do you want to solve the problem? Finding a loophole in the other person’s behavior does not justify your stand: how do you assert your viewpoint at the expense of the other? How does it help in any resolution or arriving at an amicable solution? I know sometimes there are no resolutions to certain conflicts. If the husband is a stickler for perfectionism for example, he will hit the roof every time he sees a speck of dust on the centre table, or finds hair in the wash room. If the wife is the kind who lives her life by the clock, imagine how she would cope with the agony of a travelling husband or even one who is in the marketing and sales field! The partners would be labeled as shoddy and unclean, and unpunctual without any respect for time, respectively. These would become the battleground for conflicts where the underlying issues would also escalate and reach alarming proportions. I guess it would take a lot of looking from behind the mirror, to actually get into a frame of mind when we can think from the others’ perspective.
If only we are able to assimilate one simple fact: Not everybody lives by our rules: Each one of us is made different, and how many ever arguments we go through, if we insist on holding on to our view of an issue, the conflict is never resolved. Of course there are some conflicts that can never be resolved; conflicts that exist on issues dealing with family interpersonal clashes, conflicts even within ourselves where we keep wondering whether a certain step we have taken was in everybody’s best interests or not, conflicts that we sometime let go for we reach a catch 22 situation, and we know we cannot go further. In such cases, what do we do? Stewing in the cauldron never did anyone good. All we can do is to arrive at an impasse, let go of the emotional pain and get on with life. I know, it is easier said than done, and I am certainly not claiming to be a monk with profound insight or the temperance to follow this. But I can truthfully say that though the emotional memories surface, rationalizing happens faster with me nowadays than it did before, and I am able to set aside these issues and continue as my life unfolds. Now that is definitely good enough for me!
Mohana Narayanan
February 17, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
THE EMPTY GIFT BOX...
Have you ever been in a situation when you have been given a gift-wrapped package, and opening it, found it empty? I remember this as a prank that was played on us when I was in Class XI, during our farewell party in school. We were all given a big box gift-wrapped, and all of us were requested to open the same. Admist teary-eyed smiles (after all it was parting moments!), we all tore open our boxes, only to find hydrogen balloons in them, that immediately escaped to the ceiling, leaving us with empty boxes in our hands, though the ceiling was blooming with colourful balloons! Of course, we got our real gifts later, as this had been a practical joke, but I still remember some of us looking disappointed when we found our boxes empty!
And strangely, I revisited that feeling, buried deep within my unconscious, when I read a life story of a friend of mine, of whose life I had been a very important part (or so I thought!) It distressed me to find that there was barely a mention of my presence, and the whole work focused on people who had actually been a major reason why we drifted apart. How insignificant I felt then, that I had not mattered as much as I thought I had mattered! Imagine, at one point in our relationship we would actually call ourselves each others’ soul-mates. Now, would a life story be complete I wonder, without the mention of your soul-mate? (even if the association as a soul-mate was for a specific period in time?) I did touch her life, and I touched it in a significant way. Not that it was a blow to my self-esteem, but just that I am finding it harder and harder to stop getting cynical about relationships. Her growth was visible; so were her changes. I was glad and though the changes brought about a rift between us, we still held on to the relationship, simply because we had invested too much in it in the past. But today I know,I had invested much more; for if she had, I would have been one of the sign posts in the writing: I was missing! We mattered a lot to each other then, and since the story was about the ‘then’ it was as if certain pages in a book were torn away. Of course, the continuity is beautifully established! But then what can’t editing do these days??? Editing of written work, thoughts, emotions….. Maybe a wrong route? Possiby! Would I allow this feeling of getting an empty gift-wrapped package cloud my future relationships I wonder?
Mohana narayanan
February 16, 2011
And strangely, I revisited that feeling, buried deep within my unconscious, when I read a life story of a friend of mine, of whose life I had been a very important part (or so I thought!) It distressed me to find that there was barely a mention of my presence, and the whole work focused on people who had actually been a major reason why we drifted apart. How insignificant I felt then, that I had not mattered as much as I thought I had mattered! Imagine, at one point in our relationship we would actually call ourselves each others’ soul-mates. Now, would a life story be complete I wonder, without the mention of your soul-mate? (even if the association as a soul-mate was for a specific period in time?) I did touch her life, and I touched it in a significant way. Not that it was a blow to my self-esteem, but just that I am finding it harder and harder to stop getting cynical about relationships. Her growth was visible; so were her changes. I was glad and though the changes brought about a rift between us, we still held on to the relationship, simply because we had invested too much in it in the past. But today I know,I had invested much more; for if she had, I would have been one of the sign posts in the writing: I was missing! We mattered a lot to each other then, and since the story was about the ‘then’ it was as if certain pages in a book were torn away. Of course, the continuity is beautifully established! But then what can’t editing do these days??? Editing of written work, thoughts, emotions….. Maybe a wrong route? Possiby! Would I allow this feeling of getting an empty gift-wrapped package cloud my future relationships I wonder?
Mohana narayanan
February 16, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
MY WALDEN POND
It is indeed sad how a person is not able to respect another’s need for space in a relationship. One may think it is banter or even taking liberty, when acting in a particular manner, but does he or she realize the level of discomfort the receiver goes through, without resorting to putting their foot down, because they do not want the encroachment to happen? Many a beautiful friendship and relationship has been lost out, simply because this basic respect for the other person is not maintained.
I had a friend (call I use that word I wonder?) with whom I got in touch with, through my writings. We exchanged messages and ideas and we seemed to be on the same page on a lot of things that we discussed. But somewhere down the line, I started feeling the questions were becoming a little too many, the ideas were becoming a little too forceful and the boundaries were becoming a little too diffused. I don’t mean there was any wrong message being conveyed; just that persistence on some issues was becoming uncomfortable. I guess this is what one means by connect. I would expect a person who I think understands me or with whom I am able to connect would be also able to understand certain unstated messages, or ulterior transactions. Somewhere down the line, I missed this connect. Not even saying things outright to this person and clarifying my stand on certain issues was able to convince this person that I meant what I said. It does get draining after a while, and what starts off as a possibly enjoyable fulfilling relationship comes across as a strain and heavy to hold on to! I wonder whether I was really wrong in understanding this person initially, or whether I overestimated this person’s emotional quotient. Whatever the case, when I gave my point of view, it was not accepted and the defenses came on so strong, it answered my earlier question: I overestimated this person’s e.q.! I would have thought that once my stand was understood, we would realign our thoughts and carry on our intellectual conversations. But obviously, the miffed reply made one thing very clear to me: I cannot communicate as well with anybody as I can do with myself: hence the blogging!
I guess this is what one means by intrapersonal conversation. I am very happy with my own thoughts for there is none that I need to convince, none that I need to please, except myself. Long live Thoreau! Though this world I am living in is not my Walden Pond, I would soon create one of my own!
Mohana Narayanan
January 30,2011
I had a friend (call I use that word I wonder?) with whom I got in touch with, through my writings. We exchanged messages and ideas and we seemed to be on the same page on a lot of things that we discussed. But somewhere down the line, I started feeling the questions were becoming a little too many, the ideas were becoming a little too forceful and the boundaries were becoming a little too diffused. I don’t mean there was any wrong message being conveyed; just that persistence on some issues was becoming uncomfortable. I guess this is what one means by connect. I would expect a person who I think understands me or with whom I am able to connect would be also able to understand certain unstated messages, or ulterior transactions. Somewhere down the line, I missed this connect. Not even saying things outright to this person and clarifying my stand on certain issues was able to convince this person that I meant what I said. It does get draining after a while, and what starts off as a possibly enjoyable fulfilling relationship comes across as a strain and heavy to hold on to! I wonder whether I was really wrong in understanding this person initially, or whether I overestimated this person’s emotional quotient. Whatever the case, when I gave my point of view, it was not accepted and the defenses came on so strong, it answered my earlier question: I overestimated this person’s e.q.! I would have thought that once my stand was understood, we would realign our thoughts and carry on our intellectual conversations. But obviously, the miffed reply made one thing very clear to me: I cannot communicate as well with anybody as I can do with myself: hence the blogging!
I guess this is what one means by intrapersonal conversation. I am very happy with my own thoughts for there is none that I need to convince, none that I need to please, except myself. Long live Thoreau! Though this world I am living in is not my Walden Pond, I would soon create one of my own!
Mohana Narayanan
January 30,2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
UNNAMED DISCONNECT !!!
It is difficult to sometimes answer a client’s questions, especially when it has nothing to do with their troubles, but more to do with how I fare as a counselor, listening to people’s woes day in and day out!
I wish I could tell them; my professional domain is separate from my personal one, but at times it does merge. A close friend of mine called in today after quite a while and we got chatting, and during the course of our conversation, she wanted my counselor to surface! How to handle a spouse who no longer seems to be actually bothered about how she feels, she wondered? Superficially they were getting along just fine; he was going about his life, she was going about hers. There had been an undercurrent of discord for sometime, but while earlier he would be willing to sit and talk things out, of late she had found that he was not even evincing an interest to even counter her queries or respond to them, let alone initiate heart to heart conversations. Functional communication was happening, not interpersonal ones. She was not able to understand how to handle this, according to her, utter passivity and nonchalance when it came to understanding her need for emotional sustenance.
I guess this does happen in very close relationships, where you have not been really very honest with each other. The connect seems to start disconnecting! It is not being taken for granted; it is just that one person in the relationship may start feeling the need for a change in the way he or she may look at issues, which may not be the same perspective the partner has. This change does happen naturally, and I guess neither of them are to be blamed. I guess it has got more to do with the growth and the way individuals evolve over a period of time, and sometimes this intrapersonal evolving does surface as distance in what would otherwise seem to be a very harmonious relationship.
Then how do we get around resolving this constant conflict? It is all the more difficult, since the conflict is not very overt either. Well, one way out would be honest communication. Whether the resultant environment is to the satisfaction of both the parties involved, at least the connect is reestablished, and the hurt person has the satisfaction of knowing that the thoughts have been conveyed. Resort to electronic means of communication if need be: the mail, the chat rooms etc. I remember seeing a movie where total disconnect sets in between the partners and the wife is feeling extremely lonely. For want of anything better to do, she gets to chatting with a stranger and finds that she is really able to interact with him and they seem to understand each others’ feelings so well. Towards the end of the movie, they decide to meet, both with a sense of guilt and apprehension. Yeah you guessed right. The stranger was her husband! In the midst of his climbing up the corporate ladder, he too had started missing companionship and did not know how to connect back to his wife.
What resulted was a redefining of their relationship, a better understanding, and a greater bond. Admittedly, it was a movie but then don’t they say that somewhere the lines between fiction and reality gets blurred???
Mohana Narayanan
January 19,2011
I wish I could tell them; my professional domain is separate from my personal one, but at times it does merge. A close friend of mine called in today after quite a while and we got chatting, and during the course of our conversation, she wanted my counselor to surface! How to handle a spouse who no longer seems to be actually bothered about how she feels, she wondered? Superficially they were getting along just fine; he was going about his life, she was going about hers. There had been an undercurrent of discord for sometime, but while earlier he would be willing to sit and talk things out, of late she had found that he was not even evincing an interest to even counter her queries or respond to them, let alone initiate heart to heart conversations. Functional communication was happening, not interpersonal ones. She was not able to understand how to handle this, according to her, utter passivity and nonchalance when it came to understanding her need for emotional sustenance.
I guess this does happen in very close relationships, where you have not been really very honest with each other. The connect seems to start disconnecting! It is not being taken for granted; it is just that one person in the relationship may start feeling the need for a change in the way he or she may look at issues, which may not be the same perspective the partner has. This change does happen naturally, and I guess neither of them are to be blamed. I guess it has got more to do with the growth and the way individuals evolve over a period of time, and sometimes this intrapersonal evolving does surface as distance in what would otherwise seem to be a very harmonious relationship.
Then how do we get around resolving this constant conflict? It is all the more difficult, since the conflict is not very overt either. Well, one way out would be honest communication. Whether the resultant environment is to the satisfaction of both the parties involved, at least the connect is reestablished, and the hurt person has the satisfaction of knowing that the thoughts have been conveyed. Resort to electronic means of communication if need be: the mail, the chat rooms etc. I remember seeing a movie where total disconnect sets in between the partners and the wife is feeling extremely lonely. For want of anything better to do, she gets to chatting with a stranger and finds that she is really able to interact with him and they seem to understand each others’ feelings so well. Towards the end of the movie, they decide to meet, both with a sense of guilt and apprehension. Yeah you guessed right. The stranger was her husband! In the midst of his climbing up the corporate ladder, he too had started missing companionship and did not know how to connect back to his wife.
What resulted was a redefining of their relationship, a better understanding, and a greater bond. Admittedly, it was a movie but then don’t they say that somewhere the lines between fiction and reality gets blurred???
Mohana Narayanan
January 19,2011
Wednesday, January 05, 2011
There are a lot of activities that mankind can do on his own; save one. That is communication. Of course he can communicate with himself but barring that, it is one of the basic tenets of the act of communication that you need a receiver and a originator of a thought, for active communication to happen. Now, the presence of two individuals alone in an act is not enough. The willingness to communicate is the most important ingredient I feel, more than the presence of any other factors that are normally listed as principles of effective communication. This is very obvious, as when one individual, in all good intention, conveys her thoughts to her partner and would want a reciprocal acknowledgment at least, of her feelings and thoughts, and the partner chooses to remain silent. I mean, how much more passive can aggression get?
I had a client who came in for a session, very troubled by the fact that she is no longer able to communicate effectively with her husband. One of the major accusations he has against her is that if they have an argument, she would always succeed in convincing him to see her point of view, because she is a much better speaker than he is, so he chooses to avoid talking about the conflicting issues! She admitted that she was a forceful speaker, and she realized that this could be a reason for his not talking out things. She then resorted to sending him mails on issues that bothered her and she wanted sorted out, for she was unable to simply let go of issues without reaching an emotional closure. She had always prided on the fact that they both had their share of conflicts but they have been able to talk it out and resolve it. Since she did not want him to feel she had an upper hand on issues, simply because of her ability to verbalise her thoughts more effectively than him, she thought writing to him would appear to him to be less confrontational. What hurt her now was the fact that he did not even bother to acknowledge her mail! It made her feel it no longer mattered to him what went on in her mind; or that things that were unresolved were of no consequence to him… Did it mean she also as a person mattered less?
I was not very sure. This is only a case in point. Seeing this in a larger perspective, why do we choose to ignore messages? In an age of technology, where we jump up when we receive a message tone on our phones, why is it that subtle messages sent by loved ones through silence, through body languages and signals are totally ignored? I am sure my client would have sent enough silent messages about her distress, before resorting to technology!
Mohana Narayanan
January 1,2011
I had a client who came in for a session, very troubled by the fact that she is no longer able to communicate effectively with her husband. One of the major accusations he has against her is that if they have an argument, she would always succeed in convincing him to see her point of view, because she is a much better speaker than he is, so he chooses to avoid talking about the conflicting issues! She admitted that she was a forceful speaker, and she realized that this could be a reason for his not talking out things. She then resorted to sending him mails on issues that bothered her and she wanted sorted out, for she was unable to simply let go of issues without reaching an emotional closure. She had always prided on the fact that they both had their share of conflicts but they have been able to talk it out and resolve it. Since she did not want him to feel she had an upper hand on issues, simply because of her ability to verbalise her thoughts more effectively than him, she thought writing to him would appear to him to be less confrontational. What hurt her now was the fact that he did not even bother to acknowledge her mail! It made her feel it no longer mattered to him what went on in her mind; or that things that were unresolved were of no consequence to him… Did it mean she also as a person mattered less?
I was not very sure. This is only a case in point. Seeing this in a larger perspective, why do we choose to ignore messages? In an age of technology, where we jump up when we receive a message tone on our phones, why is it that subtle messages sent by loved ones through silence, through body languages and signals are totally ignored? I am sure my client would have sent enough silent messages about her distress, before resorting to technology!
Mohana Narayanan
January 1,2011
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Daughters- Liabilities?
Today’s headlines in a leading daily must have made every self-respecting woman indignant. At least, it rankled me no end. A Supreme Court judge names her two daughters as her liabilities! In this day and age, where girl children are proving themselves as responsible as the boys, if not better in leading an equally responsible and fulfilling lives, and when they are being considered for the highest post in a country, you have such statements coming from a person, who is supposed to be an upholder of justice! Why do we not understand that it is no longer necessary to belong to a particular gender to prove your worth and that we need not grant equality? I wonder how this particular judge would handle a case which would involve killing of a girl child. Would not her bias come in the way of her dispensing her judgment impartially? When she herself has a value system that upholds the denigration of womankind by naming them as liabilities, how can one trust her unbiased judgment?
The daughters need to stand up and fight their case here. I remember, when I was growing up, my father would introduce us three sisters as liability number 1, 2, and 3! I guess it was a regret he had, that he did not have a son; more so because he felt he fought a losing battle when it was one against four, albeit all in fun. My mother had to listen to her share of comments from his relatives, when her third daughter was born, and I remember my grandmother actually cried! To her credit, my mother was very happy! He never failed in his duties as a father though, and gave us all good education and opportunity to grow. Today, I am sure he does not think of us as liabilities, as he has gained three sons-in-law, who respect and adore him; not that the daughters didn’t! Though I am not defending my father’s way of introduction, I am willing to condone it, simply because he is a man; what galls me is that a woman, in a seat of honor, to whom the country looks up to, is publicly declaring her daughters as her liability! Can her daughters prove her wrong? Can they rise up in the echelons of society, and prove to their mother who has classified them as burdens, that they are more of an asset than all the material wealth that she has declared in her returns? That she need not spend that same wealth in ‘settling them’ in life but that once she gives up working and is dependent on her co-humans, these very same daughters would take care of her, without waiting for permissions or sanctions from their partners?
Mohana Narayanan
December 30, 2010
The daughters need to stand up and fight their case here. I remember, when I was growing up, my father would introduce us three sisters as liability number 1, 2, and 3! I guess it was a regret he had, that he did not have a son; more so because he felt he fought a losing battle when it was one against four, albeit all in fun. My mother had to listen to her share of comments from his relatives, when her third daughter was born, and I remember my grandmother actually cried! To her credit, my mother was very happy! He never failed in his duties as a father though, and gave us all good education and opportunity to grow. Today, I am sure he does not think of us as liabilities, as he has gained three sons-in-law, who respect and adore him; not that the daughters didn’t! Though I am not defending my father’s way of introduction, I am willing to condone it, simply because he is a man; what galls me is that a woman, in a seat of honor, to whom the country looks up to, is publicly declaring her daughters as her liability! Can her daughters prove her wrong? Can they rise up in the echelons of society, and prove to their mother who has classified them as burdens, that they are more of an asset than all the material wealth that she has declared in her returns? That she need not spend that same wealth in ‘settling them’ in life but that once she gives up working and is dependent on her co-humans, these very same daughters would take care of her, without waiting for permissions or sanctions from their partners?
Mohana Narayanan
December 30, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
A person’s sense of self-worth hinges on so many things that are outside of him, that sometimes it is scary to think : if the world stops for a minute, what would happen. Everything comes crashing down suddenly and you feel so empty, and life devoid of meaning. It is then that you start thinking how important it is to live for yourself: just yourself. Being appreciated is a very basic need of every human being, after of course food, water and shelter. Man thrives on being praised for his efforts, even though the accomplishment would have given him his own sense of satisfaction. Right from a toddler, who starts recognising the words ‘very good’, whatever language it is spoken in, to adults who may preen before a mirror, and know that he or she is looking good, but would expectantly look at people around for vouching this fact: We as a race thrive on our self being appreciated. Being done so contributes to a large extent to what our self concept would be like.
On our self concept hinges our self worth, and the resultant self esteem is responsible for our level of self confidence. At the core self concept is our view of what we think our selves, what we think others think of us, and what others actually think of us. And if our core self concept is at an all-time low, naturally this will reflect on our conclusions of what we think others think of us. Convoluted? . Not really. Let us see how this works. At the core of our very being is our self-concept. It is what we think about ourselves; aspects of ourselves that we would sometimes have trouble even admitting to our own selves! This would be the realistic self concept. Now we also have what is called the ideal self concept, where we would be looking at what we would be as the perfect model. Now, if both these self concepts match to a large degree, there would be no problem. Trouble starts brewing when our ideal self concept is far removed from our realistic self concept. That is when the whole pretend game starts, and we alternate between our two selves, creating a whole range of conflicting emotions and anxiety in the process. For instance, if you have someone who is not really a successful person, but rather than analysing and accepting her own shortcomings, she would portray an external locus of control, blaming everyone and everybody around for the misfortunes, laments her ill-luck and refuses to take responsibility for her own contribution to the problem, she would be suffering from a very low self concept. Here, while her ideal self concept is, so to say ‘idealistic’ where given the right scenario, she would have been successful, she is refusing to accept the realistic self concept: of her being unable to face challenges that came her way, her not having adequate coping skills to handle problems, and within herself, fighing this dual battle of the selves, and at the same time, adopting denial as a defense mechanism.
It does take a lot of self work and introspection on bridging the gap; and it also takes a lot of honesty, to stand up to see yourself as you are, and more important, to accept yourself as you are, unconditionally, and evolve if you feel you are ready to do so!!!
Mohana Narayanan
December 26,2010
On our self concept hinges our self worth, and the resultant self esteem is responsible for our level of self confidence. At the core self concept is our view of what we think our selves, what we think others think of us, and what others actually think of us. And if our core self concept is at an all-time low, naturally this will reflect on our conclusions of what we think others think of us. Convoluted? . Not really. Let us see how this works. At the core of our very being is our self-concept. It is what we think about ourselves; aspects of ourselves that we would sometimes have trouble even admitting to our own selves! This would be the realistic self concept. Now we also have what is called the ideal self concept, where we would be looking at what we would be as the perfect model. Now, if both these self concepts match to a large degree, there would be no problem. Trouble starts brewing when our ideal self concept is far removed from our realistic self concept. That is when the whole pretend game starts, and we alternate between our two selves, creating a whole range of conflicting emotions and anxiety in the process. For instance, if you have someone who is not really a successful person, but rather than analysing and accepting her own shortcomings, she would portray an external locus of control, blaming everyone and everybody around for the misfortunes, laments her ill-luck and refuses to take responsibility for her own contribution to the problem, she would be suffering from a very low self concept. Here, while her ideal self concept is, so to say ‘idealistic’ where given the right scenario, she would have been successful, she is refusing to accept the realistic self concept: of her being unable to face challenges that came her way, her not having adequate coping skills to handle problems, and within herself, fighing this dual battle of the selves, and at the same time, adopting denial as a defense mechanism.
It does take a lot of self work and introspection on bridging the gap; and it also takes a lot of honesty, to stand up to see yourself as you are, and more important, to accept yourself as you are, unconditionally, and evolve if you feel you are ready to do so!!!
Mohana Narayanan
December 26,2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
My day, my life !!
The day dawned bright and sunny, and I felt in harmony, as I got ready for the day. Countless calls came, on all the phones at home, calls that were expected, so I felt the bond was reinforced. There were also calls that were a surprise for I never knew that I mattered enough to these people for them to remember to call and wish me. It made me feel wanted, loved, and cared for. There was a song in my heart as I went to work and other than the usual job related stresses, the day was uneventful. I looked good, I felt good, and somewhere, the feeling of well-being permeated my entire self. It is such an important day, I thought, the day you choose to enter this world. You have to evolve as a person and the time and the date you choose to embark on this journey is so important. I know there are people who do not store much to their birthdays, and I remember when I was growing up, I used to yearn for people to wish me. Birthdays were not great events in my family, but as peer pressure built up, I remember how I used to make up stories about how my people celebrated my birthday! Not that my family loved me less or anything, it is just that the private logic of my family set store to the day being more religious than personal. So a visit to a temple was mandatory, and a sweet made at home, but the day being special stopped there.
For a long while after that, I would make the day important for myself. I would make sure I wore a new dress, I would treat myself to maybe a visit to the parlour, and tell myself how important I was to myself. I would go out for dinner with my family, and make sure I enjoyed myself even by resorting to clowning! But somewhere there would linger a feeling of sadness, something I was not able to put my finger to.
But today the day continued to be the perfect one. We went out for dinner, and after that we went for a drive on the beach road, even though it was raining. The bridge on a certain section was lit up, and it looked striking in the night. When I commented on how beautiful the scene looked at night, my friend promptly stopped the car, forced us all to get out in the drizzle, and we took snaps, standing on the bridge! Passers-by took us to be tourists I guess, for which local residents in their right minds would drive by on one of the arterial roads of the city they pass by day in day out, stand in the rain and click photographs?! We continued to giggle and act silly, and had a patrol vehicle stop by, to question us on our motives!!!
When I finally reached home, the day (night?) was almost over. But there a pervading sense of feeling good about the world. I was one year closer to leaving this earth, but I was so glad that I am here, and I have grown so much, evolved so much. I am grateful for each person who has touched my life for they have helped me in my journey, like we all are meant to do for each other, and even people who are not there in my life anymore, even people I no longer resonate with anymore, simply because we have grown away from each other. I am willing to let them go, without any feelings of being let down, without any feelings of bitterness, people who have perhaps been left behind in my journey of life.
Thank you!!!
Mohana Narayanan
November 22,2010
For a long while after that, I would make the day important for myself. I would make sure I wore a new dress, I would treat myself to maybe a visit to the parlour, and tell myself how important I was to myself. I would go out for dinner with my family, and make sure I enjoyed myself even by resorting to clowning! But somewhere there would linger a feeling of sadness, something I was not able to put my finger to.
But today the day continued to be the perfect one. We went out for dinner, and after that we went for a drive on the beach road, even though it was raining. The bridge on a certain section was lit up, and it looked striking in the night. When I commented on how beautiful the scene looked at night, my friend promptly stopped the car, forced us all to get out in the drizzle, and we took snaps, standing on the bridge! Passers-by took us to be tourists I guess, for which local residents in their right minds would drive by on one of the arterial roads of the city they pass by day in day out, stand in the rain and click photographs?! We continued to giggle and act silly, and had a patrol vehicle stop by, to question us on our motives!!!
When I finally reached home, the day (night?) was almost over. But there a pervading sense of feeling good about the world. I was one year closer to leaving this earth, but I was so glad that I am here, and I have grown so much, evolved so much. I am grateful for each person who has touched my life for they have helped me in my journey, like we all are meant to do for each other, and even people who are not there in my life anymore, even people I no longer resonate with anymore, simply because we have grown away from each other. I am willing to let them go, without any feelings of being let down, without any feelings of bitterness, people who have perhaps been left behind in my journey of life.
Thank you!!!
Mohana Narayanan
November 22,2010
Commitment to commitment !
The very purpose of entering into a marriage is unconditional acceptance of your partner. Now, I know that is not really possible, and most of us have an agenda whereby we set about changing our partner to fit into our mould. But I have met one couple, where the dynamics are very conflicting and clear. No commitment from the wife’s side to the relationship: I need to be a daughter to my parents, I need to support them, so I would continue to work. The husband was fine with it, but little did he know that he was going to be used as an ATM for the family! Having got a job abroad, he went ahead expecting his wife to follow him along with their newborn. But she showed no signs of moving; and then finally sends a message to him, saying that she thinks it would be best if this arrangement continued, and he continues supporting her financially from his place of work! The man did not know what hit him! He would make umpteen trips to her place, loading her with jewelry, gifts, and cash, both for her and their child. But things did not change. She continued refusing to join him to start their life together, stating her family of origin as her primary commitment, though continuing to receive substantial amounts of funds from him.
Vexed, the man decided to put an end to this oscillating relationship, and give her one final chance to join him, or settle for separation. The girl agreed to come for counseling, and during the sessions, came up with insubstantial reasons for not going to live with him, none of which held water. She also tried to convey that he had not supported her financially, which the man promptly countered, but producing excel sheets of accounts! Possibly being cornered, and also contemplating that if she did not accede, she would be left holding huge debts with no verve to call her own, she finally agreed to accompany him back to the country of his residence. Both looked relieved and happy when they left my clinic.
Within a short while of her going back home, she calls him and says that her family is of the opinion that unless he undertakes to repay the huge loans that they have incurred as a family, she would not be allowed to go with him! Now, which family in their right senses would want their daughter to stay back with them and work off the loans they have incurred, staying away from her husband? Was it because of some undying sense of obligation she had towards her family? If so, what about her commitment to her marriage? Her husband? Her son? What hold did her family have over her, I wonder? The man did not know what to do. Could he not assert his right over her, saying she was his wife, and he would not go back without her? I don’t know whether there would be legal implications to what I am suggesting; but though it is true that you cannot force a person into being happy, sometimes, one does not know how to choose what is good for them. In this case, I think if this man asserts himself (which he claims he has never done these past years that he was married to her) and is able to take her with him, he is sure to assure her of a fine life with him. According to him, he has waited for her ever since he got married to her; and he is sure that it was only his commitment that saw him through. Would that very same commitment help him now too I wonder???
Mohana Narayanan
November 18, 2010
Vexed, the man decided to put an end to this oscillating relationship, and give her one final chance to join him, or settle for separation. The girl agreed to come for counseling, and during the sessions, came up with insubstantial reasons for not going to live with him, none of which held water. She also tried to convey that he had not supported her financially, which the man promptly countered, but producing excel sheets of accounts! Possibly being cornered, and also contemplating that if she did not accede, she would be left holding huge debts with no verve to call her own, she finally agreed to accompany him back to the country of his residence. Both looked relieved and happy when they left my clinic.
Within a short while of her going back home, she calls him and says that her family is of the opinion that unless he undertakes to repay the huge loans that they have incurred as a family, she would not be allowed to go with him! Now, which family in their right senses would want their daughter to stay back with them and work off the loans they have incurred, staying away from her husband? Was it because of some undying sense of obligation she had towards her family? If so, what about her commitment to her marriage? Her husband? Her son? What hold did her family have over her, I wonder? The man did not know what to do. Could he not assert his right over her, saying she was his wife, and he would not go back without her? I don’t know whether there would be legal implications to what I am suggesting; but though it is true that you cannot force a person into being happy, sometimes, one does not know how to choose what is good for them. In this case, I think if this man asserts himself (which he claims he has never done these past years that he was married to her) and is able to take her with him, he is sure to assure her of a fine life with him. According to him, he has waited for her ever since he got married to her; and he is sure that it was only his commitment that saw him through. Would that very same commitment help him now too I wonder???
Mohana Narayanan
November 18, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Joint venture conflicts
We tend to view partnership as a one-sided contract, especially the type marital contracts are made of. The moment a relationship is formalized, the relationship dynamics change in most marriages. The stereotypical male would want the wife to fit into a perfect round hole that he has in his mind, cutting off the sides of the squares, so to speak. More often than not, he would see his mother in his wife, and the female partner sub-consciously would look for the man to fit into the mental picture she has of her partner, matching qualities of her father. This expectancy may set in either in the early days of the marriage, or much later, depending on the tolerance level of either of the partners. On the grounds of being ‘tolerant’, one man would continue to indulge his wife in maintaining her identity and going against the established tenets of his family background, till she is fully convinced that her husband is okay with her being what she is. Then overnight, he would pull the rug under her feet, and have a tirade of accusations against her; she has not followed family traditions, she is being disrespectful, she is not being religious etc. etc. The girl would not know when this about turn occurred; when he was okay with her behavior just a few days back, the very same behavior becomes a major point of conflict between them, and ultimatums are flung at her.
I am not saying the girl would have been on her best code of behavior. There would have been a lot of power struggle, and attention seeking acts. But rather than handling it on a one-on-one basis, the husband has chosen to be permissive, and has swallowed what he would have actually wanted to do, simply for the sake of temporary peace, or for avoiding conflicts. Now suddenly for no major reason, he wants an out. He has been going through a lot for the past few years, and his patience has now reached rock bottom, he claims. It is amusing, to say the least, that when his cup of patience runs dry, that is the time when he decides the relationship needs a serious looking into, perhaps even end it, for there is nothing in it for him. What gives him the right to call the shots? The girl is still reeling under the shock of the fact that the entire past marriage has been a sham, and all his so-called ‘allowance’ and indulgence and acceptance of her non-conservative behavior has been all a pretence. He may think that under this train of thought, she may buckle and sign on the dotted line, perhaps even wear the badge of divorcee on her sleeve, being the non-conformist that she is! But here ironically, the joke was on him… She believed in the age-old institution of marriage, and refused to even consider a parting of ways. He threaten to throw her out of the house; he demanded his parents stay out of the whole picture; he warned her that if she contests, then she will have to wash dirty linen in public (how come the dirty linen is only the girl’s not the boy’s, considering the marriage of both is breaking up?).
The girl refused to give in. After the initial distress she has gathered all her resources, her inner strength, and has dug her heels in. Her only grouse has been, if only he had been more honest in the past, though she would have initially found it difficult to adhere to the norms of the family, she would have settled in after the initial conflict, and inner turbulence. But this two-faced turnabout is something she says will take some time to sink in!
The last I knew the battle was still on; the threats were coming hard and fast; but she was no longer crying and weeping and pleading. She is trying to change herself, albeit slowly, and is firmly committed to her role as a mother and wife, the latter if he allows. But to be the mother, she does not need his permission. Kudos to womanhood, and a bow to her tremendous strength and will! I know she will come through this a change woman, and the superficial change of appearance is not the only change I am talking about.
I am not saying the girl would have been on her best code of behavior. There would have been a lot of power struggle, and attention seeking acts. But rather than handling it on a one-on-one basis, the husband has chosen to be permissive, and has swallowed what he would have actually wanted to do, simply for the sake of temporary peace, or for avoiding conflicts. Now suddenly for no major reason, he wants an out. He has been going through a lot for the past few years, and his patience has now reached rock bottom, he claims. It is amusing, to say the least, that when his cup of patience runs dry, that is the time when he decides the relationship needs a serious looking into, perhaps even end it, for there is nothing in it for him. What gives him the right to call the shots? The girl is still reeling under the shock of the fact that the entire past marriage has been a sham, and all his so-called ‘allowance’ and indulgence and acceptance of her non-conservative behavior has been all a pretence. He may think that under this train of thought, she may buckle and sign on the dotted line, perhaps even wear the badge of divorcee on her sleeve, being the non-conformist that she is! But here ironically, the joke was on him… She believed in the age-old institution of marriage, and refused to even consider a parting of ways. He threaten to throw her out of the house; he demanded his parents stay out of the whole picture; he warned her that if she contests, then she will have to wash dirty linen in public (how come the dirty linen is only the girl’s not the boy’s, considering the marriage of both is breaking up?).
The girl refused to give in. After the initial distress she has gathered all her resources, her inner strength, and has dug her heels in. Her only grouse has been, if only he had been more honest in the past, though she would have initially found it difficult to adhere to the norms of the family, she would have settled in after the initial conflict, and inner turbulence. But this two-faced turnabout is something she says will take some time to sink in!
The last I knew the battle was still on; the threats were coming hard and fast; but she was no longer crying and weeping and pleading. She is trying to change herself, albeit slowly, and is firmly committed to her role as a mother and wife, the latter if he allows. But to be the mother, she does not need his permission. Kudos to womanhood, and a bow to her tremendous strength and will! I know she will come through this a change woman, and the superficial change of appearance is not the only change I am talking about.
Parenting matters!
I have repeated this fact so many times to my clients that I sound like a stuck record: parenting is not offered as a degree of education; it is a lifetime on the job training. I have also said that there are no good or bad parents, or good or bad off-springs. But in spite of it all, I come across absolutely resistant parents, who insist on believing that there is something seriously wrong in the way their child behaves, and go on this blame game and labeling trip, which only antagonizes the child further. They have done all they could for their child; they have given the child whatever he or she wanted; they only wanted them to be ‘good’ in return! Yet their children turn out to be incarnation of the devils, the way they go on about the so-called misbehavior of their children.
Take the case of this set of parents, who, according to them have given the child the best of everything: and they fail to understand why the child is refusing to go to school. The fact of attending school is treated by he child as a carrot for manipulating the parents! He demands the latest computer gizmo, or a night out, failing which he would threaten to bunk school till his demands are met! And the parents have this attitude of having sired an ungrateful child, who is not able to appreciate all they have done for their child.
Can we please understand here, that satisfying every want of a child without understanding whether it is a want or a need, creates a child who turns out with the world owes me syndrome? The child would expect the sun to stop if he wants to, simply because the first adults in his life did not teach him the concept of refusal of a demand, and how to handle rejection and unmet needs. The parents think that gratitude in a child would create a child of their dreams; on the contrary, they haven’t even allowed the child to appreciate what he or she would get, for the simple reason that they jump up to fulfill all that the child asks for, let alone experience gratitude. Not allowing a child to take age-related decisions, doing everything for a child, so that he can ‘enjoy life’, not letting him face consequences of his behavior, and then finally presenting the child as a ogre they wonder who created, is a lot of work for a counselor! Can we please understand that denying a child his demand does not convey your lack of love, as much as fulfilling his every whim does not prove the extent of it!
Mohana Narayanan
November 17,2010
Take the case of this set of parents, who, according to them have given the child the best of everything: and they fail to understand why the child is refusing to go to school. The fact of attending school is treated by he child as a carrot for manipulating the parents! He demands the latest computer gizmo, or a night out, failing which he would threaten to bunk school till his demands are met! And the parents have this attitude of having sired an ungrateful child, who is not able to appreciate all they have done for their child.
Can we please understand here, that satisfying every want of a child without understanding whether it is a want or a need, creates a child who turns out with the world owes me syndrome? The child would expect the sun to stop if he wants to, simply because the first adults in his life did not teach him the concept of refusal of a demand, and how to handle rejection and unmet needs. The parents think that gratitude in a child would create a child of their dreams; on the contrary, they haven’t even allowed the child to appreciate what he or she would get, for the simple reason that they jump up to fulfill all that the child asks for, let alone experience gratitude. Not allowing a child to take age-related decisions, doing everything for a child, so that he can ‘enjoy life’, not letting him face consequences of his behavior, and then finally presenting the child as a ogre they wonder who created, is a lot of work for a counselor! Can we please understand that denying a child his demand does not convey your lack of love, as much as fulfilling his every whim does not prove the extent of it!
Mohana Narayanan
November 17,2010
Saturday, November 06, 2010
Roller coaster rides
Roller coaster rides
I wonder why people deliberately choose to go on a roller coaster! If you ask me, life offers enough roller coaster rides! I wish I could go on a passenger train, which chugs along at a steady, sedentary speed, stops at every station where you have sleepy porters and little urchins running after you for a tip or leftover food. Instead, here I am travelling at breakneck speed, alert 24x7, as I am the person behind the steering wheel of a fast-moving locomotive, which is shooting through a dark tunnel, which never seems to end and also, one is not really sure what is actually there at the end of the tunnel!
I have been on this journey for almost seven years now, when my family started to go through turbulent times. The turbulence would rock me time and again and I would swim against the tide, gasp when I seemed to go underwater, but surface again, refusing to give in. Each time however, the currents came on stronger and stronger and each time, I would think it was the last time before I would go under.
It is not that I claim to be a very strong person or anything. Just that resilience does come to me naturally and I am a fighter. But of late, I have found the fighting spirit giving way to acceptance. Is that what it is all about I wonder? That I need to accept that these squalls as part of my life and understand that I am attracting the contraindicative factors in my life because I am a seasoned fighter? If that is so, then I also need to know whether it is okay not to fight, so that I do no attract this energy anymore.
I need to understand perhaps that even though I feel I am running standing in the same place, I need to refuse to entertain doubt. I need to tell myself that this too shall pass, and that there would come a day when I would not be getting up, wondering what news the day has in store for me; whether I am going to sail through, or sink…
Mohana narayanan
August 9, 2010
I wonder why people deliberately choose to go on a roller coaster! If you ask me, life offers enough roller coaster rides! I wish I could go on a passenger train, which chugs along at a steady, sedentary speed, stops at every station where you have sleepy porters and little urchins running after you for a tip or leftover food. Instead, here I am travelling at breakneck speed, alert 24x7, as I am the person behind the steering wheel of a fast-moving locomotive, which is shooting through a dark tunnel, which never seems to end and also, one is not really sure what is actually there at the end of the tunnel!
I have been on this journey for almost seven years now, when my family started to go through turbulent times. The turbulence would rock me time and again and I would swim against the tide, gasp when I seemed to go underwater, but surface again, refusing to give in. Each time however, the currents came on stronger and stronger and each time, I would think it was the last time before I would go under.
It is not that I claim to be a very strong person or anything. Just that resilience does come to me naturally and I am a fighter. But of late, I have found the fighting spirit giving way to acceptance. Is that what it is all about I wonder? That I need to accept that these squalls as part of my life and understand that I am attracting the contraindicative factors in my life because I am a seasoned fighter? If that is so, then I also need to know whether it is okay not to fight, so that I do no attract this energy anymore.
I need to understand perhaps that even though I feel I am running standing in the same place, I need to refuse to entertain doubt. I need to tell myself that this too shall pass, and that there would come a day when I would not be getting up, wondering what news the day has in store for me; whether I am going to sail through, or sink…
Mohana narayanan
August 9, 2010
METAMORPHOSIS
METAMORPHOSIS
When some things shatter, there is no noise; but the silence is deafening. Relationships fall into this kind of breaks. When parameters change, when tracks are shifted, when perceptions start to differ, the feeling of discomfort is intense; it is as if you are going through a medical procedure where your insides are revamped, and you undergo a transfusion. The pain is sometimes unbearable, no amount of anesthetics seem to help. But then the knowledge that you will be better off for all the pain perhaps pulls you through the agony!
Why do we revolt so much? Why don’t we realize that it is because we are resisting so much that the pain persists. If we go along with the flow, things will no longer seem to be the end of the world. We need to accept the fact that we outgrow relationships, we change the way we think, and most important of all issues, we decide to take responsibility to choose to get hurt and not blame the rest of the world for treating us like dirt.
There is also another angle to the whole issue; the way one asserts his or her rights on the other person. What gives us the authority to encroach the space of another individual I wonder? Why is this message so difficult to understand for some people, that you need to understand the basic dynamics of the association, and the nuances of change that it undergoes? While the concept of soul mates is all fine and Richard Bach makes good reading, I don’t think it is a possible reality. How can two people grow at the same pace, and think the same thoughts? So when the differences start to matter, one individual goes on this rampage, accusing the other of defiling the relationship, instead of understanding and accepting that people undergo transformation, and they need to let go of superficial similarities, to work on deeper underlying issues. Nothing comes of all this except anguish and intense feelings of discord.
It takes a while for things to settle down; and during this process, more evolution happens. Unfortunately, this advancement only succeeds in widening the chasm even more, with one of the partner growing with this insight, and the other nursing bitterness and feelings of dissent. I wish this did not end this way, but who says anything lasts forever??
Mohana Narayanan
November 1,2010
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